Ambivalence and self-loathing in the southwest I

I haven’t posted in a while. The Ideas come to me at opportune moments in the sense I have an “ah Ha “moment and I rush to pen and paper; fade away before I can.  A moral failure of pastoral proportions, it is not unusall.  I am approaching 26 years at a job I really don’t like but I have liked many of the people that have come and gone since I started.  I can keep to myself, but I deliver goods and services with a dour expression that most find funny, but those who don’t are vocal. I also pay invoices. Hardly what I started to do, but fear of everything keeps me from pursuing other jobs.  I have a civil service job.  I am seen as a parasite on the tax payer.

I can’t blame anyone. It’s my own fault.  I often made comments many felt inappropriate.  I tried to instigate debate, purely for the sake of humor, and they wanted to do their job.  I had a few chats with supervisors, but I never said anything that would get me in trouble. The office chose to not promote me.  Looking back I think they tried to warn me, but full of self-importance I ignored them. I used to wonder if it was because I was a fat man, or a major disappointment.

I was competent at my job, but I really never liked it.  I did the minimum required in critical areas, and it was easier to leave me where I was at than to pursue moving me elsewhere for 20 years.  In an ironic way, almost all who had a problem with my attitude, left for greener pastures and excelled.  They worked hard, made things better, but were not “appreciated”.  The ones who didn’t leave were demoted, kept their pay, but moved to a smaller office where they consumed much excrement till they had enough time to retire.

I have enough service time, but made life decisions that drove me to move back home, and borrow against my pension to erase credit card debt.  It will take 4 years to pay off.  I will then max out my retirement package, 5 years short of qualifying for SSI.  Depressing eh?

As this is Musings of a fat man, perhaps I should state the current state of my immenseness, 5 years ago, (or is it 6) I was pushing 290.  I had a difference of opinion with a new supervisor; I was cast out of finance into a labor driven job with a taste of finance.   Got down to 250 through minimal effort and cutting out sugar.

I joined a fitness club, and tried my best but I had no idea what I was doing.  There was a contest to see who could lose the most weight.  I signed up with a trainer and spent almost 400.00.  Lost 20 pounds, unfortunately this happened before the first weigh in.  At the end of the contest I was down to 221.  Went down to barely getting into a XL, and a XXl looks too big on me.

I Haven’t done much since.