Retire in 37 days

I'm done in 37 days, they will not fill my position,  same sob who forced me out now wants my help to justify position. And trump sux

I'm retiring

September 30 I retire and will enter a new chapter

Kitty Malogato died 120 days ago

I miss my kitty Malogato a lot, the DA is no position to blackmail

Soul crushing arches

Once again I am trying a fitness revolution trial.   This is the third year but I dropped out last year and I guess I was not alone.  The challenge is easier this year I'm we set our own goals. 

I've not taken to the cold snap.  ZEN the feral kitty is doing ok.  Still can't get her to come inside.  The other kitties that have appeared want to .  There is a new kitty that may have been abandoned who the other kitties don't like and runs at the first sight of humans.
The DA is still alive and I'm supposed to get paid tomorrow.   350.00 I'm promised.  But she is hiding now she was supposed to go to doctor and clinics to get food stamps.   She is usually a chatterbox about that stuff, and no call just a text she will call later.
Have I mentioned I really don't like my job and my self esteem is a minus 6.

Tuesday with the fat man

Well another holiday gone no more holidays till May today is January 19th and I'm a very sad panda. Did the weigh in weight at 249 wrote the orherof the stuff down but it didn't stick I didn't save it somehow anyway I'm mad at the world again I'm out of the DA the day supposed to get me money today but we'll see still haven't talked about what happened a couple weeks ago it still too painful when we today off to get a workout in and start my BMI is 1000006 I hope you're all doing fine I didn't sleep well but then again when do I. I saw Zen morning so this new black cat looks pregnant morning.  I hate everything about everything

Getting Old

Getting old really bites, I had a intervention of sorts yesterday, and it was revealing how the passage of time has left me unprepared for my golden years.  more to follow

Using a real fat man

My new found thought

I really hate it here, my place of employment.  I hate it's location.   I hate it's existence,  I hate about 7 people here.   I hate myself for allowing it to happen.   I hate it's elevation,  I hate it's mission.   I hate coming here.   I hate leaving here because I hate having to decompress to come back here.   I hate what it did to my soul. Funny I can leave at any time and work somewhere else.  I want to sleep 8nterest an exciting city but never venture outside. 

infected

CTB-LOCKER HAS GOT ME and my internet security is preventing downloading anything.
arrrrrr well have to get that worn on t\y screen removed

trying to post

I haven't had much luck writing from the bed .  My laptop is located on the bed. Much  has happened .  to keep me to post but never quite get around to it it's kind of strange trying to write something out laying down and I really don't have a way to do it's typing up I'm at work email to myself and paste onto the water whatever the app on the phone we'll see how it works with the spoken word. This will need much edit apparently i have a stammering problem.

Ambivalence and self-loathing in the southwest I

I haven’t posted in a while. The Ideas come to me at opportune moments in the sense I have an “ah Ha “moment and I rush to pen and paper; fade away before I can.  A moral failure of pastoral proportions, it is not unusall.  I am approaching 26 years at a job I really don’t like but I have liked many of the people that have come and gone since I started.  I can keep to myself, but I deliver goods and services with a dour expression that most find funny, but those who don’t are vocal. I also pay invoices. Hardly what I started to do, but fear of everything keeps me from pursuing other jobs.  I have a civil service job.  I am seen as a parasite on the tax payer.

I can’t blame anyone. It’s my own fault.  I often made comments many felt inappropriate.  I tried to instigate debate, purely for the sake of humor, and they wanted to do their job.  I had a few chats with supervisors, but I never said anything that would get me in trouble. The office chose to not promote me.  Looking back I think they tried to warn me, but full of self-importance I ignored them. I used to wonder if it was because I was a fat man, or a major disappointment.

I was competent at my job, but I really never liked it.  I did the minimum required in critical areas, and it was easier to leave me where I was at than to pursue moving me elsewhere for 20 years.  In an ironic way, almost all who had a problem with my attitude, left for greener pastures and excelled.  They worked hard, made things better, but were not “appreciated”.  The ones who didn’t leave were demoted, kept their pay, but moved to a smaller office where they consumed much excrement till they had enough time to retire.

I have enough service time, but made life decisions that drove me to move back home, and borrow against my pension to erase credit card debt.  It will take 4 years to pay off.  I will then max out my retirement package, 5 years short of qualifying for SSI.  Depressing eh?

As this is Musings of a fat man, perhaps I should state the current state of my immenseness, 5 years ago, (or is it 6) I was pushing 290.  I had a difference of opinion with a new supervisor; I was cast out of finance into a labor driven job with a taste of finance.   Got down to 250 through minimal effort and cutting out sugar.

I joined a fitness club, and tried my best but I had no idea what I was doing.  There was a contest to see who could lose the most weight.  I signed up with a trainer and spent almost 400.00.  Lost 20 pounds, unfortunately this happened before the first weigh in.  At the end of the contest I was down to 221.  Went down to barely getting into a XL, and a XXl looks too big on me.

I Haven’t done much since.   

Ambivalence and self-loathing in the southwest I

I haven't posted in a while. The Ideas come to me at opportune moments in the sense I have an "ah Ha "moment and I rush to pen and paper; fade away before I can. A moral failure of pastoral proportions, it is not unusual. I am approaching 26 years at a job I really don't like but I have liked many of the people that have come and gone since I started. I can keep to myself, but I deliver goods and services with a dour expression that most find funny, but those who don't are vocal. I also pay invoices. Hardly what I started to do, but fear of everything keeps me from pursuing other jobs. I have a civil service job. I am seen as a parasite on the tax payer.

I can't blame anyone. It's my own fault. I often made comments many felt inappropriate. I tried to instigate debate, purely for the sake of humor, and they wanted to do their job. I had a few chats with supervisors, but I never said anything that would get me in trouble. The office chose to not promote me. Looking back I think they tried to warn me, but full of self-importance I ignored them. I used to wonder if it was because I was a fat man, or a major disappointment.

I was competent at my job, but I really never liked it. I did the minimum required in critical areas, and it was easier to leave me where I was at than to pursue moving me elsewhere for 20 years. In an ironic way, almost all who had a problem with my attitude, left for greener pastures and excelled. They worked hard, made things better, but were not "appreciated". The ones who didn't leave were demoted, kept their pay, but moved to a smaller office where they consumed much excrement till they had enough time to retire.

I have enough service time, but made life decisions that drove me to move back home, and borrow against my pension to erase credit card debt. It will take 4 years to pay off. I will then max out my retirement package, 5 years short of qualifying for SSI. Depressing eh?

As this is Musings of a fat man, perhaps I should state the current state of my immenseness, 5 years ago, (or is it 6) I was pushing 290. I had a difference of opinion with a new supervisor; I was cast out of finance into a labor driven job with a taste of finance. Got down to 250 through minimal effort and cutting out sugar.

I joined a fitness club, and tried my best but I had no idea what I was doing. There was a contest to see who could lose the most weight. I signed up with a trainer and spent almost 400.00. Lost 20 pounds, unfortunately this happened before the first weigh in. At the end of the contest I was down to 221. Went down to barely getting into a XL, and a XXl looks too big on me.

I Haven't done much since.

Coming soon

Twenty Five years

 

I can now retire from my civil service job, can’t afford to retire, and I’m still a tub of goo, if I do 30 years I get a very generous package.

Swam to day stress from confrontation yesterday concerning ethics, angry woman, CYA policy and triple digit weather.  

ct scan and feeling old

CT scan to see why I have so much glue, follow up eye exam to see why I have pits, final trainer session to get more advice I will ignore

still anger

much has happened

ANGER-an assignment

This is my first homework assignment on anger I retyped it and my answers are in bold as though I am responding to the author The Challenge of Anger Copyright 1999-2004 by Lynn D. Johnson. Reproduction permitted. Contact ljohnson@solution.consulting.com Perhaps anger is a practical joke that Mother Nature has played on the human race. In a primitive society, anger helps us survive. We can fight off aggressors or drive away bears or lions from our flocks with the energy that anger gives us. But in a civilized society, anger generally backfires and causes much trouble. {Anger in primitive society was essential, and I would say it is still essential, I still have a fight or flee reaction in dealing with people. Fleeing is likely walking away or moving on with a dismissive look or comment, and the fighting hasn’t been physical Since I was a kid, it has been verbal and not necessarily screaming, although screaming is well used to convey displeasure and works quite well with strangers. In a fight or flee situation screaming “get away from me” may be over kill when dealing with strangers asking for money because “they are out of gas” but after saying no a few times yelling brings atttention and whether it is a pan handler or someone else being difficult it is very effective because it takes the situation to the observation of others. This doesn’t no work with coworkers or a customer service representative at a store because there are policies against this kind of thing and you look like an ass because there is no imminent danger. In this case anger does backfire and will cause trouble at work because there are policies and even a moderate volume discussion makes you the bad guy, even if you are in the right. This is the main point; anger is triggered when I believe I am in the right. The world must know I am in the Right! No matter is too trivial, too insignificant. Civility demands it, they must know I am right, the flip side of the coin is and a great quote used probably by Khufu advisor who told him “You have to choose your battles” and repeated by nearly everyone who either told me I crossed the line or overthought the situation. But often the battle chose me. I try to keep an aloof demeanor. If I cold I would wear head phones and listen to pod cast, jazz, metal, etc. But people like to stop me and ask a question, and don’t like it when I request an E-mail. Some do not like this, they think I am being an ass or a anal retentive nonhuman. I get the E-mail and it is very brief and I try to comply, but if I tell them I cannot do it or they need paperwork. Well then it is on. Their return e-mail usually contains threats of going to my boss, and so on and so on. It is not enough I have policy to stand on, if I don’t get the apology I feel it is necessary to remind them about procedures, and they were wrong. Who are they to treat me in that manner? They are human beings trying to get something with the least resistance so they can get some brownie points that could lead to a promotion or a better job. They want to move on and if it takes a few short cuts, it is nothing to them. I wish I could keep that in mind. Making them look, feel, or act stupid adds nothing to the task at hand. I just wish they would follow their own beliefs when the tables are turned. I can’t let it go when they don’t show the same consideration. I don’t feel good to be the “bigger person”} The reason for this is very simple. When we are angry we are less intelligent. The part of our brain that directs anger is called the “reptile brain”. It gives us the energy to fight our enemies. We react primitively and instinctively. The higher brain is quiet on the sidelines. We lose our ability to think clearly and intelligently. And in a modern society, thinking clear is vital. While anger helped our ancestors survive, today it makes it very hard for us to flourish and profit. I suggest that we can challenger anger. We can set our goal to be more calm, intelligent, and effective. We can decide to not let anger control us. {This is curious because I can accept the notion I am less intelligent, I don’t know if I am operating at my higher or lower functions. If I win the argument (I don’t get in physical confrontations for obvious reasons) but if it is a pyrrhic victory; does this make me less intelligent. The ends may not justify the means, but backing off and look foolish in my eyes, let alone others (pity may show empathy, but it hurts to be on the receiving end). If I stay intelligent and don’t let irrationally take over, but I come out lesser and lose, do I really stay the better person. Once again “choose your battles” comes into play. Effective anger can be profitable, clear thinking sounds fishy to me. To be at a higher state of mind may be the desired, and this may be “clear” thinking. But anyone telling me they have steps to clear thinking, makes me take a half step back, likely it is because self-help groups, or religious groups tell me they have the way or the light to a clear head kind of freaks me out. It may be my experience with 12 step groups or the weird stuff you hear about scientology. Most successful people got there by picking their battles, making allies, defeating weaker opponents, and I’m not talking playing dirty, they played the game on an open field and used every advantage to their success. Ask the ones they stepped on, and it John Q honestly says the better man one, then John Q was operating at a higher level and the people he bypassed have a good feeling about him because he played “fair” But. If I am truly thinking clear, if I am at the higher level, if I am calm, does this increase my intelligence, or does it give the illusion of intelligence, does a calm demeanor convey greatness, intelligence, leadership. Does the anger really go away or can it be misdirected, taken apart, reassembled, and repackaged to give the air of calmness. If I believe I am in control of my thoughts, rational, feelings, i.e. anger, doesn’t this lead to a false sense of authority, pride, even look down on the poor souls? Is this a form of reverse anger. What is the optimal point that I want to achieve? (I have to confess I am unfamiliar with the term Reptilian brain. I googled it a read a bit and I would like to know the derivation of the term. I have not studied reptiles but I’ve never heard of an angry reptile, it would seem something hissing at me would be defending it territory or hungry) } Reflect on the usefulness of anger Recognize that while anger is a natural part of our selves, it is also generally not helpful. If you wish to live a more calm intelligent and effective life, start here. Think thoughtfully and deeply about how effective anger is in your life. How is it working so far? {It doesn’t work out well at all. People who care told me that I need to talk to someone and consider meds. The “self” I think I project to others is loved by those who know me. Being honest with myself, I want to project confidence, being cool, approachable with questions, and in the flip side if I need a favor I am granted the favor with a select few. However most are afraid to ask me for items because I was charged with saving $$ in the past and I did so diligently. I am willing to work with others but If I am treated like my area is a Wal-Mart where they ask and I serve with a smile, then there is a problem. I always fell back on policy, but the current regime has no priority, whereas the prior was anal retentive. Anger and a scowl also keeps people away from me, I may be conveying a bad message, but it could be the extra 100 lbs which keeps women from smiling at me, I never figured this out, even if I thought a smile from a lady as I passes was an invitation to ask for a number. If the lady was horrified, she could easily outrun me and laugh hideously as she would mock me over her shoulder. } You can see from reflecting on that when we use anger we generally get nowhere. We might yell and storm at family members and they temporally change. But soon they go right back to doing what they did before. So we yell and storm some more, which temporally helps. But when you look at the whole picture, you can see that being chronically angry does nothing to help create better situations. It just drives the problems under ground. And they do pop up again, don’t they? {But does no yelling do anything? If there is a cycle of frustration and yelling, then aren’t we actors in a macabre play? Chronically angry isn’t good for anyone, and I don’t know anyone chronically angry. Even Chronically angry people enjoy a good meal. This doesn’t address the occasional outburst or “Flip” comment. I can’t be disciplined for “flip” comments, but I can for Rage anger} Road Rage What about anger with people outside of the family, such as those who drive in irresponsive ways? Aren’t you justified in becoming angry with these people? After all, aren’t’ they a menace to safe driving? Actually if you take a broad view, you will see that challenging a dangerous driver is just creating more danger. As we said, people are less intelligent when angry. They do irrational things. They act impulsively. Do you really want the bad driver in the other car acting more irrationally and impulsively? Well, that is what you get when you try to correct their behavior. They get angry and therefore they are dumb and don’t learn from what you are doing. {I don’t honk, people here carry guns, and carry them proudly, I don’t flip off, I don’t stare, if I cut someone off and I know it I give an acknowledgement of fault. If someone is honking and gesturing I shrug my shoulder. } So getting angry with people in traffic is actually a problem of excessive optimism on your part. You really believe it will help them to be mad at them, but when you take a broader view, you can see that anger didn’t work. What is the real result of anger? Our challenge is to look at whether anger really helps. The comic Richard Pryer once set himself on fire while using drugs. He later said “I jumped up and I was on fire! And I ran out of the house on fire! And I learned something from that. I learned that when you are on fire, running down the street people get out of your way” Could looking at anger like that help you? Could you see an advantage to thinking that all anger does is to get people to jump back away from you, but it really doesn’t help. It doesn’t really change anything for the better? People you don’t know generally learn nothing of value from your anger. People you are close to simply learn that all they need to be fearful of you. Since fear and love cannot happen at the same time, anger is robbing you of the love that we all want and need. {I accept this, but I maintain anger cannot be eliminated completely. How do you stay in a higher power without looking down on people, how do you maintain a calm demeanor without going ballistic when a referee blows a call against the Lobos. I’ve seen this, I’ve known people who I never saw got mad and were calm, laughed at stress, let insults roll off their shoulder. But get a softball game going and the umpire calls them out. “Boom” The Lobos lose a close game “Boom” their day is ruined. I think we all need some avenue for frustration. I don’t get angry if I miss a light or someone makes a mistake. It’s part of life, ironic because the people telling me I’ve gone to far are the same one who ask why I didn’t get mad at a perceived slight. Sports have become a standard for much anger, and a unite-r. We can rally around the flag and have a deep dislike for someone who doesn’t cheer for the same color uniforms} A New View of Anger Why not look at anger as a bad habit that grabbed you and has been interfering with your happiness and satisfaction ever since? Suppose you think about habits generally. Don’t we all have some good ones and some bad ones? If you simply see anger as a habit that is inefficient you may feel some freedom from it. {It is hard for me to let go, I suppose that by hanging on to my anger I have control, or the illusion of control. If I get a lot of grief from a line supervisor I let it go to a certain extent, if they have lost control of their anger and become “less intelligent”, I let them know, I have talked to them like children, they didn’t like it but pushing it further would involve more people and in government jobs non one (except me) wants to involve the higher ups. It becomes a stalemate which means “they” win. That makes me unhappy and resentful. I don’t see the freedom aspect from letting them win, walking over me, getting the best of me. Sort of not eating a bag of candy, my inner self mocks me and I give in and consume the bag.} Many times, just looking at something in a new way is healthy. Please try out this idea about anger that it really doesn’t help. Try thinking of it as simply a habit. And see if you feel more free and healthy from that idea. I have tried it in the week and I guess it reinforces the old “choose your battles carefully”

update

I have started seeing a councilor I have completed my ist homework assignment will post soon

Agnostic Ash Wednesday Chub Club

Agnostic Ash Wednesday Chub Club

Another Lenten season is upon me. I haven’t been a strict Catholic since I was a young lad, and I attend once a year, usually the Easter Vigil mass. Something about the ritual of Catholicism keeps me from venturing towards another church. The rules are pretty much the same, the “thou shall not’s” are similar. I don’t like being around people so I’m not active in anything really. I don’t really have a hard core belief, I believe in an afterlife, but I look back and see what I was taught and I laugh at my naiveté. I don’t laugh, outwardly at least, at adults who believe in the doctrine I believed when I was 13.

Christmas would seem the most logical time to embrace or question faith. I suppose it is the shopping for sales, or the perfect gift, or filling out cards with comments that are non secular but express warm greetings. The birth of the Son of God by a virgin, who will grow up to die a horrible death for sins of a chubby Hispanic that will not occur for 2000 years does stretch the limit of imagination.
It is Fat Tuesday, the day before Ash Wednesday. If you live in a fun area it is doubtful you are at work. You would be on a parade route catching beads with your children or grandchildren and trying not to get caught by your old lady looking at women baring their all for some beads. Sounds like fun.

I sit in my disheveled office working on paperwork and hoping no one bugs me. This is my goal every day, to not get annoyed by somebody. This has a sister companion thought, I must bug whomever bugs me. I don’t get bugged by the performance of my normal duties. I am bugged by the entitlement that some feel.

An example: Yesterday was a federal holiday, but not a state holiday. President’s Day is celebrated the day after thanksgiving. 5:00 on the dot one of the needy persons came down and wanted something posted and certified from our mail room, our Bureau Chief and I explained that the mail room closed at 3:00 and no one is available. In a snide manner (which showed the extent of her face lift) she said “None of you know how to do it?”, normally I would go ½ ballistic and use my mental thesaurus to explain in careful details that a reasonable person would keep track of their duties to the point, if they needed something special they would give a heads up.

However, A mental mule gave me a kick to the head, and I said “Even if we could, the Post Office is closed today and no mail is going out”, dejectedly we walked away and said out loud “What am I supposed to tell them”, to which I told the BC “Tell them to do their job and be prepared”

Moving on

The DA turns 50 this week and she has been crying and is depressed because her sisters get special presents on momentous birthdays, and she gets very little. I try to explain that her behavior dictates the present. Her sister got a trip to Alaska for her her 50th, the DA gets 50 bucks.

The DA has been deemed Mentally incompetent to stand trial, but she has been arrested 4 times for crossing a parking lot and a cop saw her and shoplifting which almost got me in trouble because the Cop was bored and I don’t like cops, ( I was doing laundry and didn’t know what the DA was doing until a cop came). So the DA is acting like she has a get out of Jail free card, but she doesn’t like to wait, so it costs 50.00 to bal her out, and the cops don’t seem to care they are wasting her time

Actual fat man musings:

Lent starts tomorrow, as I have mentioned, I believe but I don’t really want to explain or become inconvenienced. I like ritual. I like the ashes aspect, or the thinking behind it. I haven’t tried to give up something for lent in a very long time. I had a thought a few days ago to form a weight loss group during Lent for “Lost Catholics”. It would be the Agnostic Ash Wednesday Chub Club. A club for people wanting to quit some vice, smokes, booze, etc, and we would work towards losing weight, with the idea that if one goal is reached, the others would fall in line.

There is a sinister idea behind the Agnostic Ash Wednesday Chub Club, but I haven’t formed it out fully

I weigh 242, smoke, booze on Fridays
Let’s see how I do dealing with the DA’s 50’th

Valentines day

I deliver ups/fedex in addition to the volumn of paperwork I do. I usually have someone else do it, but he has been attached to mail , and we recently lose someone who was detailed out because they didn't fit in. I had no problem with this person but they burned a lot of bridges and when spyin alligations came to light, there were trust issues

12-13 flowers or candy came in today and I got someone to help me cause very simply I'm really bad with names, I have a dour disposition, and I hate the look of ladies I pass as I wheel the cart of flowers past them.

A coworker who I have worked with 22 years and tried to emparrass me at every turn, said she doesn't like flowere anymore because she doesn't like dealing with the expected BJ later.

Part of getting old I guess