It is Monday afternoon and I have the motivation of an ameba, or what I assume a ameba would be motivated to do, I can’t remember all the laws of photosynthesis, or if it is even involved, but I currently feel like lying down and taking a long nap. To say I drank this weekend would be to say the Mississippi has crooked letters.
It didn’t start out that way, I had two doctor appointments, one for the monthly allergy shot, the other for the Diabetes doctor. I also needed to get the oil changed, measured for work boots and make a movie (Jackass 3-D), and get smokes at the Reservation shop, all before 5:00. I got the smokes around noon, fought the temptation to get the Hooch right away. Then I hit the traffic scene and I swear to DOG all the city seemed to want an early start to the weekend, traffic crawled, I moved slowly.
I tried to get to the Oil change Depot for lazy guys, but It would take me beyond the deadline so I got the shot, got the updates on the friend’s family (the shot nurse married an old friend of mine, and we became friends, nice gal, glad my friend has someone to keep him warm) , I RACED TO GET ACROSS TOWN, it was 12 miles in between centers, and once again Traffic crawled. The Old center for the feeble handed had too many cars in front so I would have to wait for the oil change. The meeting with the Diabetes doctor went real well, I’m comfortably under 250 for the first time in years and my A1C is 5.6 which on the official A1c chart is a happy face in green
I got to the Hazmat oil exchange program and got the oil changed, it also appeared that the entire staff spent several thousand dollars on Tattoos; I guess I’m fortunate I missed that cultural movement. I was approx 12 miles away from the theater and I drove like a mad man, but I saw I would be late. So I eased up, got there ½ hour before the next showing started. Got my large Cherry Soda and popcorn, took my Metformin, grabbed an aisle seat. Jackass 3-d is really funny, cringe worthy funny, the the 3-d effects make it seem like the stunts are floating in space. I only almost hurled once, I had visions of popcorn vomit sailing through the air onto the empty seat, and I thought it would be a better visual than Green pea soup.
Anyway it was good to get out to see a movie, I left the phone off and drove as the sun set, and headed to the store to buy the hooch at the local market, I opted for the silky smooth flavor of Black Velvet, 1.5 liter size, which is a lot of booze.
That much booze didn’t bug me too much when I weighed 280, but at 240 I notice the difference on Sunday, but I ignored the warning, and headed home-turned on my phone and it rang and rang , the DA was on the front lawn screaming screeching scheming-“thought you dead”, “the thoughtful Drug Dealer isn’t so thoughtful”, “I need money, I didn’t know where you were” I counter “I had a really fun time tonight, first time in over a year” “ Yaaaaaaaaaaa , money money money, (at this point I might point out I had a flashback to my sisters and nieces when they were about 10 and they wanted a few dollars they would scream this ear piercing noise that made the fuzz on my ball stand up, and the flattop stand straight up, little different with the nieces, but scary feeling on the spine)
I gave her 40.00 and her demeanor changed immediately, I did not stick around to findout, it was dark and I had my first whisky and coke of the night, the DA made her deal and wanted the rest of m popcorn (I only ate half, finished most of my soda, but I pissed it out after the movie which is not nearly as gross as some of the stunts, the sweat of the big guy was uber gross, how I kept it in is amazing)
Of course nothing last forever, the DA came over before the cocktail hour was over and proclaimed “I have been ripped off, can I have another 40.00”
Um…. NO
I was then unfair, unkind, uncola even, I slammed my next drink and the rest of the weekend until Sunday morning is a blur of images, I had about 5 drinks left and I finished them as I watched the political channels, and I am appalled what passes for political thinking. I felt ok, ate the last of the Chile Stew I made earlier, went to bed. Woke up feeling like utter ell, like I finally crossed the line and drank to much, sick beyond sick, I slept very badly, enjoyed the “great race” despite having a bubble of bile in my stomach waiting to rise up and my puking like it was 1977
I got by, took for another 20 on Monday and still felt bad, more about the hospital trip for the DA, the Cat and I bond, a very cross DA yells and yells
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 04, 2010
Letter to the DA
I am replaying the letter in my mind you gave me this weekend, when you woke me up to get a benzodiazepine at 2:30-3:00 in the morning and then kept bugging me because you wanted to go out to a restaurant and to “put it on the card”, I went over my “books” at lunch and here are some fun facts
9/30 25.00
10/1 25.00
10/3 20.00
Payment
Due
date Minimum
Payment Last payment
posted Credit available
OCT 19, 2010
$0.00 $200.00
(SEP 24, 2010) $89.78
(Credit Limit:$7,100.00)
Transfer a Balance $6,991.51
I appreciate the 200.00 I got Monday but 60.00 went for smokes, you took back 70.00 in 3 days, you borrowed 40.00 on the Sunday before you payed me, and I’m not hassling you, but you have Champaign tastes , and a Vienna sausage budget. I let you shame, hassle, yell at , cry, berate into giving you what you wanted, and in addition to this give you rides to buy crumbs, despite the fact I make my spirit cry out in shame, I feel dirty in giving you transportation , my spirit is so low that all I can do is get drunk ion the weekends and smoke cigarettes and avoid you by stauing drunk enough to not be able to drive, but my health has gotten worse over the last month, and you have shown no qualm in trying to get me to drive drunk to get your dope, I care very much for you but your life is out of control and you refuse to get help unless you are desprate, you put me in a position where I feel like I am a parental unit with you
1) I need a ride, it’s an emergency
2) I need money, it’s an emergency
3) I need food, I can’t cook, or there is nothing I want to eat
If I say no, then I don’t care and no one cares
I am really tapped out, eating beans and lunch meat, and while I am losing weight I am not feeling good, consistently tired, coming home is a chore, and I am smoking far too much. People at work ask me what is wrong because (and I think this is really funny) I seem Grouchy lately, more than usuall and I’m not as funny
Out paths have diverged and crossed each other over the years, and you say you need me, and I need you as well, but you are crushing my spirit, and you say I am crushing yours and since you have no one left, it is not fair to you, well it is not fair to me , I can’t talk all that pressure when your life is run by the drug, and by transference it governs my life. When you get hysterical in the mornings because some unseen intruder will shoot up the house, you scream, hit me, yell at me, saying I’ll pay you back, I swear, I’ll do the dishes, and we always end up making a trip to the crumb, and then you go to your room and use, then you can go outside a couple of times, I don’t understand why you can’t take a shower and go out in the morning and make your own coin and leave me out of it.
I get that you need food and I hope you respect your card this month and only get food you wont sell, I’m fat enough that I could live on $1.50 salads and beans for 6-7 months, maybe a $1 burger here and there, drink chemically enhanced kool-aid, but you will have to suffice on your own, you literally threw a temper tantrum because you wanted bacon and eggs and I had to get it or I didn’t love you, think about that for a second, at first you wanted to go to IHOP despite I have NO CREDIT, and it seemed to me you didn’t care, then I had to go to work to get you money because crumb was leaving, then she was drunk, and then you thought IO was dead because I didn’t act fast enough for you, and later more rides, and I release my anger and I’m the bad pony
I may be a fool but I see value in your life, but you need to take basic steps, shower, comb, brush-doctor, dentist, haircut
I don’t expect you to be a saint, but I expect you to keep your using down to what you can afford and take care of yourself, leave me out of it, I understand that sometimes you need help, but so do I, if I feel worthless and unavailable to anyone but you, I will never progress
So do your best to leave me out of your business, I will do my best to see you have food, rides to the doctor, and smokes
Please don ask for any money until the end of the month, I have so little, even If I have to give up Friday nights, I can always hang out downtown and see the sights
I do care about and love you
9/30 25.00
10/1 25.00
10/3 20.00
Payment
Due
date Minimum
Payment Last payment
posted Credit available
OCT 19, 2010
$0.00 $200.00
(SEP 24, 2010) $89.78
(Credit Limit:$7,100.00)
Transfer a Balance $6,991.51
I appreciate the 200.00 I got Monday but 60.00 went for smokes, you took back 70.00 in 3 days, you borrowed 40.00 on the Sunday before you payed me, and I’m not hassling you, but you have Champaign tastes , and a Vienna sausage budget. I let you shame, hassle, yell at , cry, berate into giving you what you wanted, and in addition to this give you rides to buy crumbs, despite the fact I make my spirit cry out in shame, I feel dirty in giving you transportation , my spirit is so low that all I can do is get drunk ion the weekends and smoke cigarettes and avoid you by stauing drunk enough to not be able to drive, but my health has gotten worse over the last month, and you have shown no qualm in trying to get me to drive drunk to get your dope, I care very much for you but your life is out of control and you refuse to get help unless you are desprate, you put me in a position where I feel like I am a parental unit with you
1) I need a ride, it’s an emergency
2) I need money, it’s an emergency
3) I need food, I can’t cook, or there is nothing I want to eat
If I say no, then I don’t care and no one cares
I am really tapped out, eating beans and lunch meat, and while I am losing weight I am not feeling good, consistently tired, coming home is a chore, and I am smoking far too much. People at work ask me what is wrong because (and I think this is really funny) I seem Grouchy lately, more than usuall and I’m not as funny
Out paths have diverged and crossed each other over the years, and you say you need me, and I need you as well, but you are crushing my spirit, and you say I am crushing yours and since you have no one left, it is not fair to you, well it is not fair to me , I can’t talk all that pressure when your life is run by the drug, and by transference it governs my life. When you get hysterical in the mornings because some unseen intruder will shoot up the house, you scream, hit me, yell at me, saying I’ll pay you back, I swear, I’ll do the dishes, and we always end up making a trip to the crumb, and then you go to your room and use, then you can go outside a couple of times, I don’t understand why you can’t take a shower and go out in the morning and make your own coin and leave me out of it.
I get that you need food and I hope you respect your card this month and only get food you wont sell, I’m fat enough that I could live on $1.50 salads and beans for 6-7 months, maybe a $1 burger here and there, drink chemically enhanced kool-aid, but you will have to suffice on your own, you literally threw a temper tantrum because you wanted bacon and eggs and I had to get it or I didn’t love you, think about that for a second, at first you wanted to go to IHOP despite I have NO CREDIT, and it seemed to me you didn’t care, then I had to go to work to get you money because crumb was leaving, then she was drunk, and then you thought IO was dead because I didn’t act fast enough for you, and later more rides, and I release my anger and I’m the bad pony
I may be a fool but I see value in your life, but you need to take basic steps, shower, comb, brush-doctor, dentist, haircut
I don’t expect you to be a saint, but I expect you to keep your using down to what you can afford and take care of yourself, leave me out of it, I understand that sometimes you need help, but so do I, if I feel worthless and unavailable to anyone but you, I will never progress
So do your best to leave me out of your business, I will do my best to see you have food, rides to the doctor, and smokes
Please don ask for any money until the end of the month, I have so little, even If I have to give up Friday nights, I can always hang out downtown and see the sights
I do care about and love you
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I blame the Tea Baggers
The night was brief, awakened by a screeching voice that would have rivaled the death throes of an animal before it is dragged down by a cheetah or alligator. “I can’t breathe, I need an inhaler” “ I can’t go to the hospital, they won’t do anything, I have a refill, should I call wallgreens?” I was in deep sleep, the DA shakes me, hit me are, repeats the screeching, I vaguely nod my head, she runs off to make the call and I strain to hear if she is calling a pharmacy, or someone with whom she has made a deal crack for the inhaler. Good Stuff Bingo !
More shrieking, arm punching, I flinch and the DA almost falls off the bed, I laugh, she yells, enter logic “Hey baby, you saw me go to bed early” & I was thinking to myself “watch the 7 yr old logic come out”
“it’s an emergency, I can’t breathe” thus it is so
I didn’t take it seriously because, well if you smoke crack or 3 packs of cigarettes a day, your lungs are bound to take issue with your body. But I don’t carry money anymore and my credit limit is at its very thinnest and she continued to scream, 3:30 we make it to the drug store, the strip club next door long abandoned. She basically told me to get the hell out of her house, recanted later, but the writing is on the wall
I try to sleep and she continues to bitch until she finds the printout of yesterdays musings, she cries, she self emulates, I never quite go to sleep and I try to brush the cat, who long ago abandoned me, I feed the gosh darn thing and he cries to me every time I move, she raised him first, and it is funny, if the DA had stayed out of Jail, when Kitty got evicted he could have moved in with her until I found a place, I’d miss him, but I need to take care of myself, btw I am 11% less a fat men, more time with the kitty, clean my room, clean my gear, yardwork, (but its raining, do it later) yawn, 2 more hrs at work, and the paperwork never ceases, but my interest does
F’ing tea baggers
More shrieking, arm punching, I flinch and the DA almost falls off the bed, I laugh, she yells, enter logic “Hey baby, you saw me go to bed early” & I was thinking to myself “watch the 7 yr old logic come out”
“it’s an emergency, I can’t breathe” thus it is so
I didn’t take it seriously because, well if you smoke crack or 3 packs of cigarettes a day, your lungs are bound to take issue with your body. But I don’t carry money anymore and my credit limit is at its very thinnest and she continued to scream, 3:30 we make it to the drug store, the strip club next door long abandoned. She basically told me to get the hell out of her house, recanted later, but the writing is on the wall
I try to sleep and she continues to bitch until she finds the printout of yesterdays musings, she cries, she self emulates, I never quite go to sleep and I try to brush the cat, who long ago abandoned me, I feed the gosh darn thing and he cries to me every time I move, she raised him first, and it is funny, if the DA had stayed out of Jail, when Kitty got evicted he could have moved in with her until I found a place, I’d miss him, but I need to take care of myself, btw I am 11% less a fat men, more time with the kitty, clean my room, clean my gear, yardwork, (but its raining, do it later) yawn, 2 more hrs at work, and the paperwork never ceases, but my interest does
F’ing tea baggers
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
random thoughts before I see the da
I am so very tired, I feel as though my soul is letting go, my mind is playing tricks on me, or you are taking advantage of me other than what you say you are. I have been noticing a few $$ missing from my pants lately, some kolonpin missing from the wallet, the silver ring rosary missing from the ID badge, items of food from the fridge that I think are worthless. I don’t sleep well because you force me to take you on rides and wait while you complete your deal , I feel worthless and I come to a job I don’t like, where some people test me , test my temper. I wonder what will be missing, how many times will you say its your last ride, or that someone will shoot up the house, me driving poisoned or intoxicated to get you a 20.00 because you owe someone $$4 but right afterwards you are in your room smoking away and you journey outside sans me to get more $$, you must think I am so stupid and you such a great actress that you can sell the idea to me, kicking holes in the door should get you an award for acting, my head hurts, the bell continues to go off and people want service, not only service they want me or our team to cover their mistakes so they can walk away secure in the belief they have passed the torch, but I believe you owe me more than I get, I shouldn’t be broke, it isn’t the smokes or hooch, or that I eat out, it may be I pay for both of us but you need help all the time, and I am grateful for the extra space, but I can’t be alone in my room, my frigging room man, I close the door and you kick it like starsky and hutch you say you are afraid I am dead so you check and I wonder if you are Dawn of the dead and like fresh brains, why am I stressed , is it work, it is home, is it my impending doom, is my brain decaying away like my liver or kidneys, I don’t feel desperate but I have anxiety every time you are near because I wonder what you want or why you demand ride with no warning despite you know how much I detest it you bitch at me because you insist on telling me how to drive when it make no matter yyou should be grateful you don’t have to walk the distance or when you force me to drive to copper and Wyoming despite I have fear I will die on that street corner, and you insist on making me go there, please don’t do that anymore, I have to same my soul and my humanity and I must find other ways to occupy my existence other than smoke cigarettes TV and wait in fear of you needing a ride, to free yourself you must face your demons alone I must do the same be what you are not what you think you are
Thursday, September 16, 2010
So who is the cannonball and who is the wall?
The weirdest thing about being involved with a drug addict, is all the grief and emotional toll you allow your self to be subject to, if you have money you can keep an arms length as long as you can afford it or until the other members of the family seeing their inheritance go away, find some maneuvering to get the purse strings cut. My DA probably cost her family in medical bills about 1,000,000. In drug assistance about 60.00 a day for 4-5 years recently and probably 10 times that in the preceding years. What is troubling (to me anyway) is that she would panhandle 2-3x that by dressing up and inventing stories to get people to give twenties and a few times a fifty. I think there is some guilt there maybe because they know she is a drug addict and they probably have a close relative that got cut off.
The DA got cut off in June when her father moved to Florida to get away since he could not bring himself to say no, she still gets 200.00 a week plus food stamps, but it barely lasts a day
Just got a call that the DA is freaking out and needs her Friday 10.00 today (more about that later) it then became 20.00 and the DA is loosing her minds and is going to free the cat (like she is the loony chick in breakfast at tiffany’s) and needs me there with twenty bucks and she can’t catch the cat
The DA got cut off in June when her father moved to Florida to get away since he could not bring himself to say no, she still gets 200.00 a week plus food stamps, but it barely lasts a day
Just got a call that the DA is freaking out and needs her Friday 10.00 today (more about that later) it then became 20.00 and the DA is loosing her minds and is going to free the cat (like she is the loony chick in breakfast at tiffany’s) and needs me there with twenty bucks and she can’t catch the cat
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Strange times indeed
This weekend came to a hard reality Friday. The DA gets food stamps and the last two-month it has gone for dope. I know its her card, but I’ve been paying for everything, and she agreed to give me the card, so I showed up and she was supposed to go with me and get the things she can eat, (sans teeth for those without the scorecard), and spend the rest on Dope. Well she stops me and takes the card and promises she will save 100.00 and of course the other person (lets say he goes by the name Shifty) spends the entire 200.00. I go buy some cans of beans, Chile, generic cokes, and a four pack and a bottle of Generic hooch (shades of HS parties). So I was out of it until about 6:00 Saturday and the DA walks to the store and get me 2 40’s of beer and I drink them and go to bed. I have a tremendous need to Piss and the Cat gets up about 1:00am. I am then informed by the DA that she needs $20.00 of there will be windows broken, I’m not gonna do it so I bang the bathroom door in frustration, and I didn’t think I hit it that hard but it caves in the wall where the doorknob is, and at first look what caved in was a prior repair. Not wanting to expose my own stupidity I agree to get the money.
Coming back she runs out and says she needs a ride to a Circle K and I have to wait, F-that, I drop her off and I drive about 5 miles in one direction and drive back. I am surprised I didn’t see more than one car at a time, but I saw a few cyclists and almost hit one when he ran a red light, luckily I was turning or I would have nailed him good, I would not have had time to stop.
I get to the Circle K, see the DA running Take her home and I warn her to not regale me with any stories, I don’t want to know. I sleep until 8:00 am and I discover, with the Cat’s help, that there are no treats, I check the damage on the wall and I wonder if I can find an old sign or a Faux sign that I can screw on to cover the hole. I shop for a few needy items, get my meds and get some Green Chile stew and hash browns and get to work.
A depressed DA calls me and says she needs me and despite I tell her I have no money she cries and says I have to come home. I decline, hour later she panhandled $20.00, her dad called, she feels better. 2 hours she calls and is bummed out, wants me home to get her a lighter, I remember I had a spare lighter for this occasion and she is happy. Hour 4 she calls, her pipe breaks and I caution her she needs to buy two pipes, and I’m not leaving for another 30 minutes. More grief, I finish my assignment and decide I will not be taking any of my equipment home.
Ain’t life grand?
Coming back she runs out and says she needs a ride to a Circle K and I have to wait, F-that, I drop her off and I drive about 5 miles in one direction and drive back. I am surprised I didn’t see more than one car at a time, but I saw a few cyclists and almost hit one when he ran a red light, luckily I was turning or I would have nailed him good, I would not have had time to stop.
I get to the Circle K, see the DA running Take her home and I warn her to not regale me with any stories, I don’t want to know. I sleep until 8:00 am and I discover, with the Cat’s help, that there are no treats, I check the damage on the wall and I wonder if I can find an old sign or a Faux sign that I can screw on to cover the hole. I shop for a few needy items, get my meds and get some Green Chile stew and hash browns and get to work.
A depressed DA calls me and says she needs me and despite I tell her I have no money she cries and says I have to come home. I decline, hour later she panhandled $20.00, her dad called, she feels better. 2 hours she calls and is bummed out, wants me home to get her a lighter, I remember I had a spare lighter for this occasion and she is happy. Hour 4 she calls, her pipe breaks and I caution her she needs to buy two pipes, and I’m not leaving for another 30 minutes. More grief, I finish my assignment and decide I will not be taking any of my equipment home.
Ain’t life grand?
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Observations of a 4th weekend
Aside from destroying part of my liver, and listening to the obscene laden diatribes of a drug addicted tweaking love, I had a bit more than typical weekend. Due to the 4th landing on a weekend, it provided and extra day with family, food, and games and fun for all. However not in my household, Drinking, smoking, panhandling, visits from mysterious men in really crappy cars, tweaking, screaming, crying, and lots of meowing from the Malogato, and Malogato even got his bath.
1) There was a special on the History channel called “Revolution” that was a 15 part story of what happened from the stamp act to the 1st president, I didn’t watch all 15 cause of the world cup, I was drinking, and the drug addict kept screaming “Turn it down Goddammit”, and Malogato found him comfy place on my feet,
(By the way here is a tip, if you every find your self in a spot where you are 90 days from moving and you have a roommate who keeps asking for a ride: start drinking heavily, or give that impression, you will have to deal with “its fucking hot”, “I can’t breath” and “WHY ARE YOU STILL DRINKING”, it sound really sad, but it is funny if you are there, sipping a drink, watching soccer, a sleeping kitty on you feet, and the TV blaring out the sweet sound of a Vuvuzela. And you have a Buzz, it is pretty funny.
(Keep in mind I have a hearing problem, that is no surprising to most, but it is not the result of headphones set to 11 blasting out Black Sabbath or Metallica, but instead to dysfunctional Eustachian tubes)
Anyway I diverge, the story I told had much more depth, and I actually learned that Washington came close to mutiny several times due to lack of equipment, money, ammunition, food, etc, most of his solders only signed up for one year and were planning to get back to the farms. I also saw that the whole independence was poorly planned. Most note worthy was that to stop his army from heading to the hills, he selected 6 men of “disagreeable dispensation” to be hanged, he had the 6 nooses placed around the necks, and at the last minute gave 5 a break but hung the 6th, another time some men ran from their posts and he picked the most cowardly to be executed, and picked their friends to do the shooting, the first group fired above their heads, the second group took their place and had a third group ready to shoot the second group. SO the e second group shoots their friends. What an asshole….
2) The screaming and spitting end for the night, as the DA takes some Benadryl and benzodiazepine to sleep until 4-5 the next day, I can’t exactly remember what was on TV but I measured the booze and saw I had enough for 2 more days, on TV was a episode of intervention or a made for TV where the cheerleader honor student turns to a streetwalker for help with a pushy boy, and I think starts baking brownies for the children of the other streetwalkers, who give her wise advise in return, I think is what happened, doesn’t seem likely, don’t think it is a dream as I don’t have a think for cheerleaders or brownies, and I don’t see the combination as particularly meaningful, it was probably the end of a made for TV movie about drugs that went into an infomercial for some amazing device that makes brownies
Aside from that the transition into Saturday was much easier, as I bounced around from channel to channel, I watched soccer, guzzled a few more drinks, and watched the lovely DA ask the cat repeatedly what it wanted
I had a lot more to say but I have forgotten what it was, except for this two things thing, 1) TMC has silent movies on Sunday night and it is usually preceded by a classic comedy, this 4th I was Buster Keaton’s “The General” which I learned was based on an actual incident in the civil war, I think it is a great movie, the shot set ups, the timing, the stunts, complete picture. If you get a chance to see it or rent it, make sure it has the revised 2003 soundtrack. Very well done, especially when the train is moving or picking up speed, kind of a DSOM on acid jazz
2) There was a Mad Men Marathon which to my chagrin was on Monday and I had to go back to work on a Tuesday for no other reason that Tuesday follows Monday, (my bad). The Episode takes place on election night in 1960, the show revolves around an ad agency a gives a glimpse of the working environment in the late 1950’s and early 60’s, and is interesting to see the way things were before sexual harassment even had a name. But to the point, on of the big wigs is painfully unhappy and meets a Beatnik chick
(Even typing that makes me wince, I hear stories about Beatniks, the wild poetry and Beat Jazz, the hipsters making a scene, and dissing the man, avoiding any effort or plan, saying MAN, and DADDY-O, ahead of their time, WTF was going on? and the 60’s still happened despite all this. Maybe it is because I’m a minority, but was there really a time where you showed you independence by hanging out with another race? Sticking to the man by blowing a Satanic Hispanic? Where were these girls when I was a rebel, damn it)
So this chick takes him to a happening or “event” or whatever they wanted to call it, they essentially got stoned and listened to Miles Davis. So the kids start giving the Ad man a hard time, telling him he creates nothing but want, he is part of the problem, and the Ad man tells them something along the line that hanging out in front of the train station pretending to be homeless does nothing to help, and one of them says something along the line of “we are trying to be relevant to today’s problems”, and the ad man takes a big drag off the cigarette and says “The Universe is irrelevant”, a few beats later the Beatniks are all bummed out saying “Aw man why did you say that” apparently ruining their high
(I was trying to think of what could happen to spoil the prefect buzz in your 20’s, the only think I could think of which came close to happening, is the girl you are hitting on and having some success starts talking about her hometown and you realize that you are related, barely related , but related nevertheless, were I a true rebel that would not have stopped me and many cousins have told me that if is isn’t direct blood, it really doesn’t count, because if that kind of thing bothers me, I’ll be very lonely, or dating blond women looking to piss off daddy, sorry to say I avoided both)
Anyway that’s all I can remember for now.
1) There was a special on the History channel called “Revolution” that was a 15 part story of what happened from the stamp act to the 1st president, I didn’t watch all 15 cause of the world cup, I was drinking, and the drug addict kept screaming “Turn it down Goddammit”, and Malogato found him comfy place on my feet,
(By the way here is a tip, if you every find your self in a spot where you are 90 days from moving and you have a roommate who keeps asking for a ride: start drinking heavily, or give that impression, you will have to deal with “its fucking hot”, “I can’t breath” and “WHY ARE YOU STILL DRINKING”, it sound really sad, but it is funny if you are there, sipping a drink, watching soccer, a sleeping kitty on you feet, and the TV blaring out the sweet sound of a Vuvuzela. And you have a Buzz, it is pretty funny.
(Keep in mind I have a hearing problem, that is no surprising to most, but it is not the result of headphones set to 11 blasting out Black Sabbath or Metallica, but instead to dysfunctional Eustachian tubes)
Anyway I diverge, the story I told had much more depth, and I actually learned that Washington came close to mutiny several times due to lack of equipment, money, ammunition, food, etc, most of his solders only signed up for one year and were planning to get back to the farms. I also saw that the whole independence was poorly planned. Most note worthy was that to stop his army from heading to the hills, he selected 6 men of “disagreeable dispensation” to be hanged, he had the 6 nooses placed around the necks, and at the last minute gave 5 a break but hung the 6th, another time some men ran from their posts and he picked the most cowardly to be executed, and picked their friends to do the shooting, the first group fired above their heads, the second group took their place and had a third group ready to shoot the second group. SO the e second group shoots their friends. What an asshole….
2) The screaming and spitting end for the night, as the DA takes some Benadryl and benzodiazepine to sleep until 4-5 the next day, I can’t exactly remember what was on TV but I measured the booze and saw I had enough for 2 more days, on TV was a episode of intervention or a made for TV where the cheerleader honor student turns to a streetwalker for help with a pushy boy, and I think starts baking brownies for the children of the other streetwalkers, who give her wise advise in return, I think is what happened, doesn’t seem likely, don’t think it is a dream as I don’t have a think for cheerleaders or brownies, and I don’t see the combination as particularly meaningful, it was probably the end of a made for TV movie about drugs that went into an infomercial for some amazing device that makes brownies
Aside from that the transition into Saturday was much easier, as I bounced around from channel to channel, I watched soccer, guzzled a few more drinks, and watched the lovely DA ask the cat repeatedly what it wanted
I had a lot more to say but I have forgotten what it was, except for this two things thing, 1) TMC has silent movies on Sunday night and it is usually preceded by a classic comedy, this 4th I was Buster Keaton’s “The General” which I learned was based on an actual incident in the civil war, I think it is a great movie, the shot set ups, the timing, the stunts, complete picture. If you get a chance to see it or rent it, make sure it has the revised 2003 soundtrack. Very well done, especially when the train is moving or picking up speed, kind of a DSOM on acid jazz
2) There was a Mad Men Marathon which to my chagrin was on Monday and I had to go back to work on a Tuesday for no other reason that Tuesday follows Monday, (my bad). The Episode takes place on election night in 1960, the show revolves around an ad agency a gives a glimpse of the working environment in the late 1950’s and early 60’s, and is interesting to see the way things were before sexual harassment even had a name. But to the point, on of the big wigs is painfully unhappy and meets a Beatnik chick
(Even typing that makes me wince, I hear stories about Beatniks, the wild poetry and Beat Jazz, the hipsters making a scene, and dissing the man, avoiding any effort or plan, saying MAN, and DADDY-O, ahead of their time, WTF was going on? and the 60’s still happened despite all this. Maybe it is because I’m a minority, but was there really a time where you showed you independence by hanging out with another race? Sticking to the man by blowing a Satanic Hispanic? Where were these girls when I was a rebel, damn it)
So this chick takes him to a happening or “event” or whatever they wanted to call it, they essentially got stoned and listened to Miles Davis. So the kids start giving the Ad man a hard time, telling him he creates nothing but want, he is part of the problem, and the Ad man tells them something along the line that hanging out in front of the train station pretending to be homeless does nothing to help, and one of them says something along the line of “we are trying to be relevant to today’s problems”, and the ad man takes a big drag off the cigarette and says “The Universe is irrelevant”, a few beats later the Beatniks are all bummed out saying “Aw man why did you say that” apparently ruining their high
(I was trying to think of what could happen to spoil the prefect buzz in your 20’s, the only think I could think of which came close to happening, is the girl you are hitting on and having some success starts talking about her hometown and you realize that you are related, barely related , but related nevertheless, were I a true rebel that would not have stopped me and many cousins have told me that if is isn’t direct blood, it really doesn’t count, because if that kind of thing bothers me, I’ll be very lonely, or dating blond women looking to piss off daddy, sorry to say I avoided both)
Anyway that’s all I can remember for now.
Monday, May 03, 2010
letter to GF
Finally I heard from you, I was a little worried that you may have done something, and I waited by the phone all weekend hoping you would call, it was pretty cold this weekend and Sunday looked like a early winter morning, the clouds covered that mountains all weekend. I
I’m not mad about the Tattoo, but I am disappointed, Tattoos shout out to the world what you are about, if you are doing an homage to Johnny Tapia because you were a big fan, I could see it, but while you feel bad for him and may have a connection in your lifestyles, I don’t recall you being a big fan, if you were G Juarez, or G Pacheco, then I could see you wanting to embrace your Chicana rebellious side, but you aren’t Chicana, I admit I am puzzled as to why you chose that, maybe you want to belong, maybe you thought it was cool, maybe someone talked you into it, at least you have a souvenir of your time there.
I cleaned up a little, mainly trash and cat hair, I’m gonna collect all the cat hair and put it in a baggie and hide it in your bed, I think Kitty would think it is a good idea, there is a lot of hair in the carpet, and as soon as I scrap away one area, Kitty runs over and wiggles on his back where I just cleaned. He just stairs at me and meows a bit which is kind of Kitty laughter, I guess.
I’m counting down the days until you return home, I’m wondering how both of our routines will change, and I know you will be cleaning up some but what are we going to do at night? You going to take up gardening? Plant some tomatoes, maybe some lettuce, a carrot or two. You could sell them this fall at the growers market, I’ll buy you some overalls and a straw hat, and if you do well enough we could rent us a plot of land, just an acre or two, we don’t have to live on the land, and maybe we can make enough that when I retire, we will have a little business and specialize in custom veggies,
You see if we get to big we will fail, and large farm are susceptible to insect invasions. But on a small scale we can easily deal with it, we can take turns waving yellow handkerchiefs at the plants (bugs don’t like the color yellow for some reason), and I’ll dress in a serape and a large sombrero with baggy shorts and a Guitar and sing Spanish folk songs to the plants, this will generate media coverage, and probably get us help from someone who knows what they are doing as they would not want us to embarrass ourselves, and I will have to do a couple of charity events, and all you have to do is stand there in you outfit and hold some balloons, you don’t do anything with the balloons cause people will stare at first and wonder if you are selling them, or giving them away, but you never do anything with them, at the end of the day you take them with you, this will cause speculation on the origin and meaning of the balloons , I have lots of Ideas for the future, let me know what you think, love poopie
I’m not mad about the Tattoo, but I am disappointed, Tattoos shout out to the world what you are about, if you are doing an homage to Johnny Tapia because you were a big fan, I could see it, but while you feel bad for him and may have a connection in your lifestyles, I don’t recall you being a big fan, if you were G Juarez, or G Pacheco, then I could see you wanting to embrace your Chicana rebellious side, but you aren’t Chicana, I admit I am puzzled as to why you chose that, maybe you want to belong, maybe you thought it was cool, maybe someone talked you into it, at least you have a souvenir of your time there.
I cleaned up a little, mainly trash and cat hair, I’m gonna collect all the cat hair and put it in a baggie and hide it in your bed, I think Kitty would think it is a good idea, there is a lot of hair in the carpet, and as soon as I scrap away one area, Kitty runs over and wiggles on his back where I just cleaned. He just stairs at me and meows a bit which is kind of Kitty laughter, I guess.
I’m counting down the days until you return home, I’m wondering how both of our routines will change, and I know you will be cleaning up some but what are we going to do at night? You going to take up gardening? Plant some tomatoes, maybe some lettuce, a carrot or two. You could sell them this fall at the growers market, I’ll buy you some overalls and a straw hat, and if you do well enough we could rent us a plot of land, just an acre or two, we don’t have to live on the land, and maybe we can make enough that when I retire, we will have a little business and specialize in custom veggies,
You see if we get to big we will fail, and large farm are susceptible to insect invasions. But on a small scale we can easily deal with it, we can take turns waving yellow handkerchiefs at the plants (bugs don’t like the color yellow for some reason), and I’ll dress in a serape and a large sombrero with baggy shorts and a Guitar and sing Spanish folk songs to the plants, this will generate media coverage, and probably get us help from someone who knows what they are doing as they would not want us to embarrass ourselves, and I will have to do a couple of charity events, and all you have to do is stand there in you outfit and hold some balloons, you don’t do anything with the balloons cause people will stare at first and wonder if you are selling them, or giving them away, but you never do anything with them, at the end of the day you take them with you, this will cause speculation on the origin and meaning of the balloons , I have lots of Ideas for the future, let me know what you think, love poopie
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Stuck in a Laundrymat while my baby gets high
In the interest of being fair I have to admit that I support the legalization of drugs, all drugs, second of all if I had behaved like a responsible adult I wouldn’t be in my financial mess, and If I had had a diet like an adult and not a 19 yr old I would not be 150 pounds over weight, I would not be a member of the diabetic club, I would not have the vast mistrust of anything and everything,, I would have stopped drinking like a published author, I would have written the 1000 words a day like I wanted to, and would have been published, I would have had a better sense of my awareness, I would have ascribed to a higher calling, a purpose I would have risen to meet the demands of what was needed, I could have helped mankind, written the great American novel that would have brought JD Salinger out of retirement to release the other novels that either would have cemented his name among the very greats, or as I suspect nothing matched his masterpiece.,
I started this when my gf (1) was awaiting word on how much time she would have to serve, she was given a 3 yr sentence for what amounts to 10 worth of cocaine, sounds outrageous but her drug habits have resulted in a long rap sheet one of which is serious (2) , she ended up getting 48 hrs in jail and was ordered to report the next morning, so naturally she used right up until she got a ride down there, I made good use of the time there by drinking Friday-Saturday and smoking two packs of cheap cigarettes that GF has left on the couch, went over two years without, but the hacking this morning should be enough to keep me away (3)
So she gets out this morning and I remind her she needs to get laundry done and shopping, and she announces she needs a coke and cheeseburger-fry right away and she cries into my shoulder that she has learned her lesion, but feels sick, she takes a nap, we got to the store, and I forget something and when I get back she needs 5 bucks for pills , the food is still on the shelf and she starts screaming at me to leave her alone, SO I retreat into my haven, and I hear her say she has 50 bucks and I see her dealer drive up, (he doesn’t see me) and I know she is lying but I don’t want to ruin her buzz so I get my laundry, drive the 5 miles to my old neighborhood, put in 55 lbs of laundry in a super washer, and end up surrounded by 8 college students doing 1-2 loads all circling looking for a dryer and checking out the other students. God I wish I had gone away to college, but it would have been worse to be kicked out of a college in a strange town, saying good bye to new friends and transferring to the local college sans scholarship, maybe I get a state job let them pay for college and I’m retired by now, banging some coed as I would be pursuing my masters in Chicano studies as I became the Angry Brown man getting White young coed’s to feel guilty about keeping the brown man down. As It is I just hope GF doesn’t use too much and blows her next UA and does two weeks followed bu a third strike and doing a year out of town by then I would be in a happy place and pay off enough that me and kitty can find a little house to rent and we can hide from the crack smoking loud woman who has fried her pleasure centers
(1) I sound like an idiot calling someone who I care very much about my gf, I shold say lover, but since her habits are not contuctive to a healthy relationship, there is little of that, but I don’t know what else to say
(2) She robbed a pizza place of $40.00, she robbed it on the day the police department and the National Air Guard were having a toys for tot’s party, and she robbed it as the chief of police was coming up on a sleigh wearing a Santa hat, she didn’t notice all the police in the parking lot, or all the men in uniform, if she had don’t this now she would have made stupid criminal of the year, naturally it made it to TV and she has been 86’ed by some of her family and my mom
(3) I’ve often wondered if a long streak is good for you, if the time that passes adds to the pressure, I’ve been to several AA meetings and other than it is a good place to pick up chicks with low self esteem, I notice that they say “one day at a time” but give out chips for 30, days, 60 days, etc
I started this when my gf (1) was awaiting word on how much time she would have to serve, she was given a 3 yr sentence for what amounts to 10 worth of cocaine, sounds outrageous but her drug habits have resulted in a long rap sheet one of which is serious (2) , she ended up getting 48 hrs in jail and was ordered to report the next morning, so naturally she used right up until she got a ride down there, I made good use of the time there by drinking Friday-Saturday and smoking two packs of cheap cigarettes that GF has left on the couch, went over two years without, but the hacking this morning should be enough to keep me away (3)
So she gets out this morning and I remind her she needs to get laundry done and shopping, and she announces she needs a coke and cheeseburger-fry right away and she cries into my shoulder that she has learned her lesion, but feels sick, she takes a nap, we got to the store, and I forget something and when I get back she needs 5 bucks for pills , the food is still on the shelf and she starts screaming at me to leave her alone, SO I retreat into my haven, and I hear her say she has 50 bucks and I see her dealer drive up, (he doesn’t see me) and I know she is lying but I don’t want to ruin her buzz so I get my laundry, drive the 5 miles to my old neighborhood, put in 55 lbs of laundry in a super washer, and end up surrounded by 8 college students doing 1-2 loads all circling looking for a dryer and checking out the other students. God I wish I had gone away to college, but it would have been worse to be kicked out of a college in a strange town, saying good bye to new friends and transferring to the local college sans scholarship, maybe I get a state job let them pay for college and I’m retired by now, banging some coed as I would be pursuing my masters in Chicano studies as I became the Angry Brown man getting White young coed’s to feel guilty about keeping the brown man down. As It is I just hope GF doesn’t use too much and blows her next UA and does two weeks followed bu a third strike and doing a year out of town by then I would be in a happy place and pay off enough that me and kitty can find a little house to rent and we can hide from the crack smoking loud woman who has fried her pleasure centers
(1) I sound like an idiot calling someone who I care very much about my gf, I shold say lover, but since her habits are not contuctive to a healthy relationship, there is little of that, but I don’t know what else to say
(2) She robbed a pizza place of $40.00, she robbed it on the day the police department and the National Air Guard were having a toys for tot’s party, and she robbed it as the chief of police was coming up on a sleigh wearing a Santa hat, she didn’t notice all the police in the parking lot, or all the men in uniform, if she had don’t this now she would have made stupid criminal of the year, naturally it made it to TV and she has been 86’ed by some of her family and my mom
(3) I’ve often wondered if a long streak is good for you, if the time that passes adds to the pressure, I’ve been to several AA meetings and other than it is a good place to pick up chicks with low self esteem, I notice that they say “one day at a time” but give out chips for 30, days, 60 days, etc
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
wednesday distractions
January 27, 2010
Today I noticed that the days are noticeably longer, driving home I didn’t need to turn on the lights, my car has driving lights, and I didn’t feel the need to use them (1), the radio stations have gotten awful lately (2), I usually listen to sports talk radio, but the good talent has left and one is an old TV guy who is ok, but not funny and the other are three guys who think very highly of themselves and do not take to criticism, so I changed to a rock station and there is usually band of the day or five at five, and sometimes there is a theme, so the first song is Aerosmith’s “Train kept a rolling”, then Blackfoot’s “Train” then Metallica’s “one” so I’m cruising and trying to think what the connection because if the prize is good the answer is something like the lead singers banged a groupie, the groupie’s mom and the groupie’s kid at some point in time (3), I was almost home and the DJ sounded like a stoned middle aged man and when he gave the call letters I discovered and forgotten I had changed the station during lunch, there is a point here but I guess the main point is that it is hard too write while watching a Lobo-BYU game that is back and forth
Curious thing about LDS is that it seems like the most bizarre but the most peaceful of the religions, raised a Catholic there is a lot of heavy duty guilt, but heavy redemption, but LDS seem peaceful but the story is the most bizarre, and it seems like most LDS know its bizarre but seems content within themselves which is half the battle, they get a lot of grief but since Tom Cruise became famous it has taken a lot of heat of all the others, they don’t seem preachy unless they are trying to convert, and honestly it is the converts that create the most distraction, I went to school with a couple of gals who were LDS both cute but one had a great Ass, dynamite smile, cute figure, and got stoned in HS, I got nowhere, but really didn’t try but I almost had to give her sister a shower cause she was so drunk and her dad the former cop was looking for her, since I knew her dad I didn’t do it (4)
Irregardless I really like it when BYU loses, I mean I really really like it, and when they win, I ask Jesus if he really visited the native Americans and why none of them ever talk about it (5) Hurrah for our side
(1) I actually forgot and didn’t think about it as I hit the freeway, I noticed the older cars that don’t have the driving lights, and being the good citizen that I am I promptly turned them on as soon as I noticed, but a sheriffs car passed me that only had the driving lights on as there were no tail lights, I briefly wondered why cars don’t have the tail lights on all the time as I am more likely to get rear ended than run over somebody who didn’t see me coming
(2) In a rare twist of fate for others, but business as usual for me, all of my cd/dvd players are not working including my car, which ate a CD of great guitar songs complication one of which was noteworthy but I don’t remember the name except it was in a car commercial and the only lyrics are “woohoo”
(3) One time the prize was each daily winner for the week would get a trip to Vegas for Ozzfest, and predictably the first four were tied to Ozzfest, the last one no one got for an hour, the answer was on the five songs played the bass players were all left handed which I guess is unusual, but the phone lines melted down and the radio station had to call police because of the threats, or at least that is what the station claimed, I think it was a stunt, but I didn’t see the point of it
(4) I’ll tell the whole story at another time
(5) Final Score Lobos 76 BYU 72
719
Today I noticed that the days are noticeably longer, driving home I didn’t need to turn on the lights, my car has driving lights, and I didn’t feel the need to use them (1), the radio stations have gotten awful lately (2), I usually listen to sports talk radio, but the good talent has left and one is an old TV guy who is ok, but not funny and the other are three guys who think very highly of themselves and do not take to criticism, so I changed to a rock station and there is usually band of the day or five at five, and sometimes there is a theme, so the first song is Aerosmith’s “Train kept a rolling”, then Blackfoot’s “Train” then Metallica’s “one” so I’m cruising and trying to think what the connection because if the prize is good the answer is something like the lead singers banged a groupie, the groupie’s mom and the groupie’s kid at some point in time (3), I was almost home and the DJ sounded like a stoned middle aged man and when he gave the call letters I discovered and forgotten I had changed the station during lunch, there is a point here but I guess the main point is that it is hard too write while watching a Lobo-BYU game that is back and forth
Curious thing about LDS is that it seems like the most bizarre but the most peaceful of the religions, raised a Catholic there is a lot of heavy duty guilt, but heavy redemption, but LDS seem peaceful but the story is the most bizarre, and it seems like most LDS know its bizarre but seems content within themselves which is half the battle, they get a lot of grief but since Tom Cruise became famous it has taken a lot of heat of all the others, they don’t seem preachy unless they are trying to convert, and honestly it is the converts that create the most distraction, I went to school with a couple of gals who were LDS both cute but one had a great Ass, dynamite smile, cute figure, and got stoned in HS, I got nowhere, but really didn’t try but I almost had to give her sister a shower cause she was so drunk and her dad the former cop was looking for her, since I knew her dad I didn’t do it (4)
Irregardless I really like it when BYU loses, I mean I really really like it, and when they win, I ask Jesus if he really visited the native Americans and why none of them ever talk about it (5) Hurrah for our side
(1) I actually forgot and didn’t think about it as I hit the freeway, I noticed the older cars that don’t have the driving lights, and being the good citizen that I am I promptly turned them on as soon as I noticed, but a sheriffs car passed me that only had the driving lights on as there were no tail lights, I briefly wondered why cars don’t have the tail lights on all the time as I am more likely to get rear ended than run over somebody who didn’t see me coming
(2) In a rare twist of fate for others, but business as usual for me, all of my cd/dvd players are not working including my car, which ate a CD of great guitar songs complication one of which was noteworthy but I don’t remember the name except it was in a car commercial and the only lyrics are “woohoo”
(3) One time the prize was each daily winner for the week would get a trip to Vegas for Ozzfest, and predictably the first four were tied to Ozzfest, the last one no one got for an hour, the answer was on the five songs played the bass players were all left handed which I guess is unusual, but the phone lines melted down and the radio station had to call police because of the threats, or at least that is what the station claimed, I think it was a stunt, but I didn’t see the point of it
(4) I’ll tell the whole story at another time
(5) Final Score Lobos 76 BYU 72
719
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Another pointless but fiber free day
January 11, 2010
This is a pointless effort at writing, and wanders on and off the point this is a warning. This piece is an attempt for me to write 365,000 words in 2010 as of this day I have written 1820 so far but have a piece with 2000 that needs serious editing because it was written I pieces but reflects prior days, and is really choppy, and it is not choppy in a good way. For those who dare to move forward, any and all comments are welcome
Another day of futility, a reminder of pointless existence, whose path I paved with my own depressed feeble brain, soaked in the sweat of my worried brow. It started slowly, I awoke from another dream where I spent time with a dead loved one, which is normal, except for they were the way I remembered them in the 60’s and I was my current age so I was actually older, and we were not doing anything interesting, or memory worthy, just chatting about mundane things, which makes me think if it wasn’t religious from the standpoint that I’ve always wondered when you go to heaven, do you go as you died, when you thought you were your coolest, or when you were your most pious. Do you get a choice?, the first of the pointless points is what if the afterlife is a series of revisiting points in your life at various ages from the stand point of when you were the most able to make a good decision, like when choosing a college I would revisit that decision at lets say 48, and what decision would I make while some sentinel would jab me with a spear if I make a bad decision or a ticket for a buffet if I make a good decision, and eternity is about getting a really good meal before they send you back and in your current incarnation really bad headaches are your prior self revisiting a prior life bad decision (like skydiving with Tarot card reader with one blue eye and one red eye), or is a boring dream a way for your brain to tell you that something has to change, from the standpoint I didn’t wake up tired, just annoyed to the point I stayed in bed long enough to take care of the cat clan up and grab a burger from Carl’s ( I know its bad for the diet, diabetes, and general health, in my defense I didn’t give a hoot at 7:30 am but I did buy a Fanta strawberry drink and did a samba when the drink came down the shoot, and it made me feel happy for the 15 minutes until 8:00 and the bell was going ring a ding ding because someone wanted some post it notes and didn’t want to wait so they asked the gal who has temporary ownership of the detail, to get to it at the opening bell so to speak. I retrieved the desired post it notes, tossed the empty bottle that formerly held a strawberry drink that brought me a few moments of escapism into the trash, and briefly wondered why no recycling of plastics in a government building, before a smiling face appeared, wished me a good morning, and wanted to know if I was in a good mood and why, for reasons some of you know, I can come up with a highly implausible but amusing story that involves my place in the universe and why I should be allowed to retire, and this one involved the McGuire brothers where one loses the Spiderman gig ( a good move in my opinion, the actors seemed bored but wanted a paycheck to do an art movie that would involve nudity, homosexuality, and cannibalism, and give an uninspired performance that would make me really unhappy with a torn $12 ticket, ½ empty $7.00 buttered popcorn, empty $6.00 soda and a full bladder screaming at me that nothing special would happen during the credits), and that Bozo admits he used steroids but it didn’t help him hit a baseball except that if not for the steroids he never would have been in good enough shape to stand up after a morning dump with out the help of a walker during his most productive years, he made about 100 million and says he is sorry, I understand that he made money for the team, baseball, and the community dependent on baseball, but get serious, there are kids and young men in freezing weather chasing a illusionary enemy for college tuition, or life training for something that has meaning, and old mark is upset because people thinks he cheated, Bite me McGuire, both of you, of course the smiling face left and I went about my duties, trying to clear up the end of the year stuff, new stuff while trying to determine which new appointee will draw the short stick and actually do work instead of attending pointless meetings where we all 1) “must work smarter, not harder” 2) “be willing to get our hands dirty”, 3) “ make do with the assets we have” 4) “ be thankful for out jobs” now I see merit in all of it. But I hate when a cousin of someone who gave money to a campaign and gets a cushy six figure job tells me that times are tough and to be grateful, pious bastards, I want to wish them harm by going to Little Haiti and finding a voodoo practice and paying the intern 10 bucks to put a minor spell that would cause a little minor indigestion, a bad hair day, and a misplaced glove while placing $5.00 of fuel in the tank, I used to wish really bad harm like a small meteor crashing through the windshield and leaving a bruise that looked like someone wrote “Eat me” on his forehead, but if it actually happened, not only would I get the blame, but it would probably look pretty cool, and that would just ruin my burger and strawberry Fanta
This is a pointless effort at writing, and wanders on and off the point this is a warning. This piece is an attempt for me to write 365,000 words in 2010 as of this day I have written 1820 so far but have a piece with 2000 that needs serious editing because it was written I pieces but reflects prior days, and is really choppy, and it is not choppy in a good way. For those who dare to move forward, any and all comments are welcome
Another day of futility, a reminder of pointless existence, whose path I paved with my own depressed feeble brain, soaked in the sweat of my worried brow. It started slowly, I awoke from another dream where I spent time with a dead loved one, which is normal, except for they were the way I remembered them in the 60’s and I was my current age so I was actually older, and we were not doing anything interesting, or memory worthy, just chatting about mundane things, which makes me think if it wasn’t religious from the standpoint that I’ve always wondered when you go to heaven, do you go as you died, when you thought you were your coolest, or when you were your most pious. Do you get a choice?, the first of the pointless points is what if the afterlife is a series of revisiting points in your life at various ages from the stand point of when you were the most able to make a good decision, like when choosing a college I would revisit that decision at lets say 48, and what decision would I make while some sentinel would jab me with a spear if I make a bad decision or a ticket for a buffet if I make a good decision, and eternity is about getting a really good meal before they send you back and in your current incarnation really bad headaches are your prior self revisiting a prior life bad decision (like skydiving with Tarot card reader with one blue eye and one red eye), or is a boring dream a way for your brain to tell you that something has to change, from the standpoint I didn’t wake up tired, just annoyed to the point I stayed in bed long enough to take care of the cat clan up and grab a burger from Carl’s ( I know its bad for the diet, diabetes, and general health, in my defense I didn’t give a hoot at 7:30 am but I did buy a Fanta strawberry drink and did a samba when the drink came down the shoot, and it made me feel happy for the 15 minutes until 8:00 and the bell was going ring a ding ding because someone wanted some post it notes and didn’t want to wait so they asked the gal who has temporary ownership of the detail, to get to it at the opening bell so to speak. I retrieved the desired post it notes, tossed the empty bottle that formerly held a strawberry drink that brought me a few moments of escapism into the trash, and briefly wondered why no recycling of plastics in a government building, before a smiling face appeared, wished me a good morning, and wanted to know if I was in a good mood and why, for reasons some of you know, I can come up with a highly implausible but amusing story that involves my place in the universe and why I should be allowed to retire, and this one involved the McGuire brothers where one loses the Spiderman gig ( a good move in my opinion, the actors seemed bored but wanted a paycheck to do an art movie that would involve nudity, homosexuality, and cannibalism, and give an uninspired performance that would make me really unhappy with a torn $12 ticket, ½ empty $7.00 buttered popcorn, empty $6.00 soda and a full bladder screaming at me that nothing special would happen during the credits), and that Bozo admits he used steroids but it didn’t help him hit a baseball except that if not for the steroids he never would have been in good enough shape to stand up after a morning dump with out the help of a walker during his most productive years, he made about 100 million and says he is sorry, I understand that he made money for the team, baseball, and the community dependent on baseball, but get serious, there are kids and young men in freezing weather chasing a illusionary enemy for college tuition, or life training for something that has meaning, and old mark is upset because people thinks he cheated, Bite me McGuire, both of you, of course the smiling face left and I went about my duties, trying to clear up the end of the year stuff, new stuff while trying to determine which new appointee will draw the short stick and actually do work instead of attending pointless meetings where we all 1) “must work smarter, not harder” 2) “be willing to get our hands dirty”, 3) “ make do with the assets we have” 4) “ be thankful for out jobs” now I see merit in all of it. But I hate when a cousin of someone who gave money to a campaign and gets a cushy six figure job tells me that times are tough and to be grateful, pious bastards, I want to wish them harm by going to Little Haiti and finding a voodoo practice and paying the intern 10 bucks to put a minor spell that would cause a little minor indigestion, a bad hair day, and a misplaced glove while placing $5.00 of fuel in the tank, I used to wish really bad harm like a small meteor crashing through the windshield and leaving a bruise that looked like someone wrote “Eat me” on his forehead, but if it actually happened, not only would I get the blame, but it would probably look pretty cool, and that would just ruin my burger and strawberry Fanta
Monday, January 11, 2010
1000 words on my musings
January 11, 2010
Warning, this is pointless, rambling, and may seem harsh
Seeing as I am only 10,000 words behind on my pledge to write 365,000 words on thoughts, musings, and happenings this yea I had better get going, with the furlough coming up I hope to tell the saga of the Dallas trip with my dad this weekend and I am looking at taking an extra day but with the confusion over the changes with a few people leaving for greener pastures, the exempts getting laid-off, and the plethora of computers coming in to get tagged for inventory control, it would be possible to get the day off but not very practical. I could justify it, from a standpoint of dedication myself to working on the yard, after almost coughing up a lung when the area homeless guy who will tell his tale of woe on how he is willing to work with his hands to provide except he wants to charge something of the order of $20.00 -$30.00 an hour for very simple work, nothing fancy and he seemed insulted by my assessment he was charging way too much money, I just wanted him to clear the dead grass from in between the bricks on the side of the driveway, I didn’t want him to pull the bricks or get the grass by the roots, just take a hoe and scrap away the dead grass, and he goes $80.00, which literally made me question his honesty, I was going to have him clean the entire backyard and may have gone 300.00 maybe 350.00 for a couple days work, if he is telling the truth about his dire straights, he can get his woman out there and pulling and yanking, but no he cops an attitude and I believe he is focusing on elderly couples who can’t physically doing the work and he charges a premium in an area while not affluent is filled with families who do ok and are too busy to do the work, or too old. A neighbor is supposed to be a cop, but doesn’t have a patrol car, did a background check and checked out where he lived, and he does seem to be supporting a large cast but he claims he works enough o earn the rent and food for a day but the math doesn’t add up, his story doesn’t seem right and it may be true but sounds fishy as to why he doesn’t use public assistance, but his story could seem that way just through sheer repetition, but I can’t use him and he blew his chance with, me, may seem harsh but I didn’t like the way he was banging on the windows on Christmas eve ½ hour after sunset where I first heard his song and dance and he asked me for 10 bucks, and I understand him saying he was 10 bucks short of paying the rent, but I’ve heard that story before, its always 10 bucks because most people know asking for 20 bucks sounds like a drug addict, so it goes on and on and on.
Listening to the Jazz channel waiting for the news, trying to stay off the internet which is like a drug for me because My mind goes a million miles an hour and I spend much time on pop references, mindless trivia, or a simple answer to a complex scientific question, like rising ocean temperatures causing small islands to disappear, and I going what what what????, but the more I think about it, hmmm makes a little sense, except the ocean currents must offset it or something like that, a few minutes it sounded like someone turned on the water outside so I went out there with a flashlight and I didn’t hear anything, but I wondered where that sound came from, at first I thought a water line broke but I haven’t heard anything since, I have hearing problems I sometimes hear wind rushing by and it is just the fluid in my ears settling.
I feel like I am juggling many things, and I need to make a list and do a priority ranking, not just at home, but at work, they guy helping is very helpful and I need to get him some actual hard core training before he leaves, although there are no jobs out there and he is on federal training, but I worry about the future, I see the number that are released and I hear murmurs that they are much worse and the economic recovery will be slow and the credit crunch and low wages will keep economic growth down for up to 10 years, I remember the movie “they shoot horses don’t they” and I envision couples in their 60’s fighting couples in their 40’s for jobs at wal-mart doing jobs that teenagers or the 20’s doing and the younger people staying in school for as long as possible working at apprentice jobs for 60 cents on the dollar, and others joining the military and staying as long as possible, I’m missing some really horrible complex economic models, and cynicism and a sleeping kitty purring away may be affecting (effecting?) my tone or tense of note. I still haven’t unpacked and I put all the boxes in the on room that has no light or 100% working outlets, I also need lamps but I’m afraid to plug anything in without a surge protector and those cost 10-15 bucks, I don’t know if I want to trust $7.00 protector the good people at UL not withstanding, the darkness bummed me out big time, and the sun depresses me in the morning, almost like I pulled an all-nighter and the sun is mocking me as I try to keep my eyes open and stumble towards the car dressed up like that Christmas song cursing the light streaming over the mountains as my skin feels like a roaster begging for attention at the market
Warning, this is pointless, rambling, and may seem harsh
Seeing as I am only 10,000 words behind on my pledge to write 365,000 words on thoughts, musings, and happenings this yea I had better get going, with the furlough coming up I hope to tell the saga of the Dallas trip with my dad this weekend and I am looking at taking an extra day but with the confusion over the changes with a few people leaving for greener pastures, the exempts getting laid-off, and the plethora of computers coming in to get tagged for inventory control, it would be possible to get the day off but not very practical. I could justify it, from a standpoint of dedication myself to working on the yard, after almost coughing up a lung when the area homeless guy who will tell his tale of woe on how he is willing to work with his hands to provide except he wants to charge something of the order of $20.00 -$30.00 an hour for very simple work, nothing fancy and he seemed insulted by my assessment he was charging way too much money, I just wanted him to clear the dead grass from in between the bricks on the side of the driveway, I didn’t want him to pull the bricks or get the grass by the roots, just take a hoe and scrap away the dead grass, and he goes $80.00, which literally made me question his honesty, I was going to have him clean the entire backyard and may have gone 300.00 maybe 350.00 for a couple days work, if he is telling the truth about his dire straights, he can get his woman out there and pulling and yanking, but no he cops an attitude and I believe he is focusing on elderly couples who can’t physically doing the work and he charges a premium in an area while not affluent is filled with families who do ok and are too busy to do the work, or too old. A neighbor is supposed to be a cop, but doesn’t have a patrol car, did a background check and checked out where he lived, and he does seem to be supporting a large cast but he claims he works enough o earn the rent and food for a day but the math doesn’t add up, his story doesn’t seem right and it may be true but sounds fishy as to why he doesn’t use public assistance, but his story could seem that way just through sheer repetition, but I can’t use him and he blew his chance with, me, may seem harsh but I didn’t like the way he was banging on the windows on Christmas eve ½ hour after sunset where I first heard his song and dance and he asked me for 10 bucks, and I understand him saying he was 10 bucks short of paying the rent, but I’ve heard that story before, its always 10 bucks because most people know asking for 20 bucks sounds like a drug addict, so it goes on and on and on.
Listening to the Jazz channel waiting for the news, trying to stay off the internet which is like a drug for me because My mind goes a million miles an hour and I spend much time on pop references, mindless trivia, or a simple answer to a complex scientific question, like rising ocean temperatures causing small islands to disappear, and I going what what what????, but the more I think about it, hmmm makes a little sense, except the ocean currents must offset it or something like that, a few minutes it sounded like someone turned on the water outside so I went out there with a flashlight and I didn’t hear anything, but I wondered where that sound came from, at first I thought a water line broke but I haven’t heard anything since, I have hearing problems I sometimes hear wind rushing by and it is just the fluid in my ears settling.
I feel like I am juggling many things, and I need to make a list and do a priority ranking, not just at home, but at work, they guy helping is very helpful and I need to get him some actual hard core training before he leaves, although there are no jobs out there and he is on federal training, but I worry about the future, I see the number that are released and I hear murmurs that they are much worse and the economic recovery will be slow and the credit crunch and low wages will keep economic growth down for up to 10 years, I remember the movie “they shoot horses don’t they” and I envision couples in their 60’s fighting couples in their 40’s for jobs at wal-mart doing jobs that teenagers or the 20’s doing and the younger people staying in school for as long as possible working at apprentice jobs for 60 cents on the dollar, and others joining the military and staying as long as possible, I’m missing some really horrible complex economic models, and cynicism and a sleeping kitty purring away may be affecting (effecting?) my tone or tense of note. I still haven’t unpacked and I put all the boxes in the on room that has no light or 100% working outlets, I also need lamps but I’m afraid to plug anything in without a surge protector and those cost 10-15 bucks, I don’t know if I want to trust $7.00 protector the good people at UL not withstanding, the darkness bummed me out big time, and the sun depresses me in the morning, almost like I pulled an all-nighter and the sun is mocking me as I try to keep my eyes open and stumble towards the car dressed up like that Christmas song cursing the light streaming over the mountains as my skin feels like a roaster begging for attention at the market
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