random thoughts before I see the da

I am so very tired, I feel as though my soul is letting go, my mind is playing tricks on me, or you are taking advantage of me other than what you say you are. I have been noticing a few $$ missing from my pants lately, some kolonpin missing from the wallet, the silver ring rosary missing from the ID badge, items of food from the fridge that I think are worthless. I don’t sleep well because you force me to take you on rides and wait while you complete your deal , I feel worthless and I come to a job I don’t like, where some people test me , test my temper. I wonder what will be missing, how many times will you say its your last ride, or that someone will shoot up the house, me driving poisoned or intoxicated to get you a 20.00 because you owe someone $$4 but right afterwards you are in your room smoking away and you journey outside sans me to get more $$, you must think I am so stupid and you such a great actress that you can sell the idea to me, kicking holes in the door should get you an award for acting, my head hurts, the bell continues to go off and people want service, not only service they want me or our team to cover their mistakes so they can walk away secure in the belief they have passed the torch, but I believe you owe me more than I get, I shouldn’t be broke, it isn’t the smokes or hooch, or that I eat out, it may be I pay for both of us but you need help all the time, and I am grateful for the extra space, but I can’t be alone in my room, my frigging room man, I close the door and you kick it like starsky and hutch you say you are afraid I am dead so you check and I wonder if you are Dawn of the dead and like fresh brains, why am I stressed , is it work, it is home, is it my impending doom, is my brain decaying away like my liver or kidneys, I don’t feel desperate but I have anxiety every time you are near because I wonder what you want or why you demand ride with no warning despite you know how much I detest it you bitch at me because you insist on telling me how to drive when it make no matter yyou should be grateful you don’t have to walk the distance or when you force me to drive to copper and Wyoming despite I have fear I will die on that street corner, and you insist on making me go there, please don’t do that anymore, I have to same my soul and my humanity and I must find other ways to occupy my existence other than smoke cigarettes TV and wait in fear of you needing a ride, to free yourself you must face your demons alone I must do the same be what you are not what you think you are