letter to GF

Finally I heard from you, I was a little worried that you may have done something, and I waited by the phone all weekend hoping you would call, it was pretty cold this weekend and Sunday looked like a early winter morning, the clouds covered that mountains all weekend. I

I’m not mad about the Tattoo, but I am disappointed, Tattoos shout out to the world what you are about, if you are doing an homage to Johnny Tapia because you were a big fan, I could see it, but while you feel bad for him and may have a connection in your lifestyles, I don’t recall you being a big fan, if you were G Juarez, or G Pacheco, then I could see you wanting to embrace your Chicana rebellious side, but you aren’t Chicana, I admit I am puzzled as to why you chose that, maybe you want to belong, maybe you thought it was cool, maybe someone talked you into it, at least you have a souvenir of your time there.



I cleaned up a little, mainly trash and cat hair, I’m gonna collect all the cat hair and put it in a baggie and hide it in your bed, I think Kitty would think it is a good idea, there is a lot of hair in the carpet, and as soon as I scrap away one area, Kitty runs over and wiggles on his back where I just cleaned. He just stairs at me and meows a bit which is kind of Kitty laughter, I guess.



I’m counting down the days until you return home, I’m wondering how both of our routines will change, and I know you will be cleaning up some but what are we going to do at night? You going to take up gardening? Plant some tomatoes, maybe some lettuce, a carrot or two. You could sell them this fall at the growers market, I’ll buy you some overalls and a straw hat, and if you do well enough we could rent us a plot of land, just an acre or two, we don’t have to live on the land, and maybe we can make enough that when I retire, we will have a little business and specialize in custom veggies,



You see if we get to big we will fail, and large farm are susceptible to insect invasions. But on a small scale we can easily deal with it, we can take turns waving yellow handkerchiefs at the plants (bugs don’t like the color yellow for some reason), and I’ll dress in a serape and a large sombrero with baggy shorts and a Guitar and sing Spanish folk songs to the plants, this will generate media coverage, and probably get us help from someone who knows what they are doing as they would not want us to embarrass ourselves, and I will have to do a couple of charity events, and all you have to do is stand there in you outfit and hold some balloons, you don’t do anything with the balloons cause people will stare at first and wonder if you are selling them, or giving them away, but you never do anything with them, at the end of the day you take them with you, this will cause speculation on the origin and meaning of the balloons , I have lots of Ideas for the future, let me know what you think, love poopie

Stuck in a Laundrymat while my baby gets high

In the interest of being fair I have to admit that I support the legalization of drugs, all drugs, second of all if I had behaved like a responsible adult I wouldn’t be in my financial mess, and If I had had a diet like an adult and not a 19 yr old I would not be 150 pounds over weight, I would not be a member of the diabetic club, I would not have the vast mistrust of anything and everything,, I would have stopped drinking like a published author, I would have written the 1000 words a day like I wanted to, and would have been published, I would have had a better sense of my awareness, I would have ascribed to a higher calling, a purpose I would have risen to meet the demands of what was needed, I could have helped mankind, written the great American novel that would have brought JD Salinger out of retirement to release the other novels that either would have cemented his name among the very greats, or as I suspect nothing matched his masterpiece.,

I started this when my gf (1) was awaiting word on how much time she would have to serve, she was given a 3 yr sentence for what amounts to 10 worth of cocaine, sounds outrageous but her drug habits have resulted in a long rap sheet one of which is serious (2) , she ended up getting 48 hrs in jail and was ordered to report the next morning, so naturally she used right up until she got a ride down there, I made good use of the time there by drinking Friday-Saturday and smoking two packs of cheap cigarettes that GF has left on the couch, went over two years without, but the hacking this morning should be enough to keep me away (3)

So she gets out this morning and I remind her she needs to get laundry done and shopping, and she announces she needs a coke and cheeseburger-fry right away and she cries into my shoulder that she has learned her lesion, but feels sick, she takes a nap, we got to the store, and I forget something and when I get back she needs 5 bucks for pills , the food is still on the shelf and she starts screaming at me to leave her alone, SO I retreat into my haven, and I hear her say she has 50 bucks and I see her dealer drive up, (he doesn’t see me) and I know she is lying but I don’t want to ruin her buzz so I get my laundry, drive the 5 miles to my old neighborhood, put in 55 lbs of laundry in a super washer, and end up surrounded by 8 college students doing 1-2 loads all circling looking for a dryer and checking out the other students. God I wish I had gone away to college, but it would have been worse to be kicked out of a college in a strange town, saying good bye to new friends and transferring to the local college sans scholarship, maybe I get a state job let them pay for college and I’m retired by now, banging some coed as I would be pursuing my masters in Chicano studies as I became the Angry Brown man getting White young coed’s to feel guilty about keeping the brown man down. As It is I just hope GF doesn’t use too much and blows her next UA and does two weeks followed bu a third strike and doing a year out of town by then I would be in a happy place and pay off enough that me and kitty can find a little house to rent and we can hide from the crack smoking loud woman who has fried her pleasure centers



(1) I sound like an idiot calling someone who I care very much about my gf, I shold say lover, but since her habits are not contuctive to a healthy relationship, there is little of that, but I don’t know what else to say
(2) She robbed a pizza place of $40.00, she robbed it on the day the police department and the National Air Guard were having a toys for tot’s party, and she robbed it as the chief of police was coming up on a sleigh wearing a Santa hat, she didn’t notice all the police in the parking lot, or all the men in uniform, if she had don’t this now she would have made stupid criminal of the year, naturally it made it to TV and she has been 86’ed by some of her family and my mom
(3) I’ve often wondered if a long streak is good for you, if the time that passes adds to the pressure, I’ve been to several AA meetings and other than it is a good place to pick up chicks with low self esteem, I notice that they say “one day at a time” but give out chips for 30, days, 60 days, etc

wednesday distractions

January 27, 2010

Today I noticed that the days are noticeably longer, driving home I didn’t need to turn on the lights, my car has driving lights, and I didn’t feel the need to use them (1), the radio stations have gotten awful lately (2), I usually listen to sports talk radio, but the good talent has left and one is an old TV guy who is ok, but not funny and the other are three guys who think very highly of themselves and do not take to criticism, so I changed to a rock station and there is usually band of the day or five at five, and sometimes there is a theme, so the first song is Aerosmith’s “Train kept a rolling”, then Blackfoot’s “Train” then Metallica’s “one” so I’m cruising and trying to think what the connection because if the prize is good the answer is something like the lead singers banged a groupie, the groupie’s mom and the groupie’s kid at some point in time (3), I was almost home and the DJ sounded like a stoned middle aged man and when he gave the call letters I discovered and forgotten I had changed the station during lunch, there is a point here but I guess the main point is that it is hard too write while watching a Lobo-BYU game that is back and forth
Curious thing about LDS is that it seems like the most bizarre but the most peaceful of the religions, raised a Catholic there is a lot of heavy duty guilt, but heavy redemption, but LDS seem peaceful but the story is the most bizarre, and it seems like most LDS know its bizarre but seems content within themselves which is half the battle, they get a lot of grief but since Tom Cruise became famous it has taken a lot of heat of all the others, they don’t seem preachy unless they are trying to convert, and honestly it is the converts that create the most distraction, I went to school with a couple of gals who were LDS both cute but one had a great Ass, dynamite smile, cute figure, and got stoned in HS, I got nowhere, but really didn’t try but I almost had to give her sister a shower cause she was so drunk and her dad the former cop was looking for her, since I knew her dad I didn’t do it (4)
Irregardless I really like it when BYU loses, I mean I really really like it, and when they win, I ask Jesus if he really visited the native Americans and why none of them ever talk about it (5) Hurrah for our side



(1) I actually forgot and didn’t think about it as I hit the freeway, I noticed the older cars that don’t have the driving lights, and being the good citizen that I am I promptly turned them on as soon as I noticed, but a sheriffs car passed me that only had the driving lights on as there were no tail lights, I briefly wondered why cars don’t have the tail lights on all the time as I am more likely to get rear ended than run over somebody who didn’t see me coming
(2) In a rare twist of fate for others, but business as usual for me, all of my cd/dvd players are not working including my car, which ate a CD of great guitar songs complication one of which was noteworthy but I don’t remember the name except it was in a car commercial and the only lyrics are “woohoo”
(3) One time the prize was each daily winner for the week would get a trip to Vegas for Ozzfest, and predictably the first four were tied to Ozzfest, the last one no one got for an hour, the answer was on the five songs played the bass players were all left handed which I guess is unusual, but the phone lines melted down and the radio station had to call police because of the threats, or at least that is what the station claimed, I think it was a stunt, but I didn’t see the point of it
(4) I’ll tell the whole story at another time
(5) Final Score Lobos 76 BYU 72
719

Another pointless but fiber free day

January 11, 2010

This is a pointless effort at writing, and wanders on and off the point this is a warning. This piece is an attempt for me to write 365,000 words in 2010 as of this day I have written 1820 so far but have a piece with 2000 that needs serious editing because it was written I pieces but reflects prior days, and is really choppy, and it is not choppy in a good way. For those who dare to move forward, any and all comments are welcome

Another day of futility, a reminder of pointless existence, whose path I paved with my own depressed feeble brain, soaked in the sweat of my worried brow. It started slowly, I awoke from another dream where I spent time with a dead loved one, which is normal, except for they were the way I remembered them in the 60’s and I was my current age so I was actually older, and we were not doing anything interesting, or memory worthy, just chatting about mundane things, which makes me think if it wasn’t religious from the standpoint that I’ve always wondered when you go to heaven, do you go as you died, when you thought you were your coolest, or when you were your most pious. Do you get a choice?, the first of the pointless points is what if the afterlife is a series of revisiting points in your life at various ages from the stand point of when you were the most able to make a good decision, like when choosing a college I would revisit that decision at lets say 48, and what decision would I make while some sentinel would jab me with a spear if I make a bad decision or a ticket for a buffet if I make a good decision, and eternity is about getting a really good meal before they send you back and in your current incarnation really bad headaches are your prior self revisiting a prior life bad decision (like skydiving with Tarot card reader with one blue eye and one red eye), or is a boring dream a way for your brain to tell you that something has to change, from the standpoint I didn’t wake up tired, just annoyed to the point I stayed in bed long enough to take care of the cat clan up and grab a burger from Carl’s ( I know its bad for the diet, diabetes, and general health, in my defense I didn’t give a hoot at 7:30 am but I did buy a Fanta strawberry drink and did a samba when the drink came down the shoot, and it made me feel happy for the 15 minutes until 8:00 and the bell was going ring a ding ding because someone wanted some post it notes and didn’t want to wait so they asked the gal who has temporary ownership of the detail, to get to it at the opening bell so to speak. I retrieved the desired post it notes, tossed the empty bottle that formerly held a strawberry drink that brought me a few moments of escapism into the trash, and briefly wondered why no recycling of plastics in a government building, before a smiling face appeared, wished me a good morning, and wanted to know if I was in a good mood and why, for reasons some of you know, I can come up with a highly implausible but amusing story that involves my place in the universe and why I should be allowed to retire, and this one involved the McGuire brothers where one loses the Spiderman gig ( a good move in my opinion, the actors seemed bored but wanted a paycheck to do an art movie that would involve nudity, homosexuality, and cannibalism, and give an uninspired performance that would make me really unhappy with a torn $12 ticket, ½ empty $7.00 buttered popcorn, empty $6.00 soda and a full bladder screaming at me that nothing special would happen during the credits), and that Bozo admits he used steroids but it didn’t help him hit a baseball except that if not for the steroids he never would have been in good enough shape to stand up after a morning dump with out the help of a walker during his most productive years, he made about 100 million and says he is sorry, I understand that he made money for the team, baseball, and the community dependent on baseball, but get serious, there are kids and young men in freezing weather chasing a illusionary enemy for college tuition, or life training for something that has meaning, and old mark is upset because people thinks he cheated, Bite me McGuire, both of you, of course the smiling face left and I went about my duties, trying to clear up the end of the year stuff, new stuff while trying to determine which new appointee will draw the short stick and actually do work instead of attending pointless meetings where we all 1) “must work smarter, not harder” 2) “be willing to get our hands dirty”, 3) “ make do with the assets we have” 4) “ be thankful for out jobs” now I see merit in all of it. But I hate when a cousin of someone who gave money to a campaign and gets a cushy six figure job tells me that times are tough and to be grateful, pious bastards, I want to wish them harm by going to Little Haiti and finding a voodoo practice and paying the intern 10 bucks to put a minor spell that would cause a little minor indigestion, a bad hair day, and a misplaced glove while placing $5.00 of fuel in the tank, I used to wish really bad harm like a small meteor crashing through the windshield and leaving a bruise that looked like someone wrote “Eat me” on his forehead, but if it actually happened, not only would I get the blame, but it would probably look pretty cool, and that would just ruin my burger and strawberry Fanta

1000 words on my musings

January 11, 2010

Warning, this is pointless, rambling, and may seem harsh

Seeing as I am only 10,000 words behind on my pledge to write 365,000 words on thoughts, musings, and happenings this yea I had better get going, with the furlough coming up I hope to tell the saga of the Dallas trip with my dad this weekend and I am looking at taking an extra day but with the confusion over the changes with a few people leaving for greener pastures, the exempts getting laid-off, and the plethora of computers coming in to get tagged for inventory control, it would be possible to get the day off but not very practical. I could justify it, from a standpoint of dedication myself to working on the yard, after almost coughing up a lung when the area homeless guy who will tell his tale of woe on how he is willing to work with his hands to provide except he wants to charge something of the order of $20.00 -$30.00 an hour for very simple work, nothing fancy and he seemed insulted by my assessment he was charging way too much money, I just wanted him to clear the dead grass from in between the bricks on the side of the driveway, I didn’t want him to pull the bricks or get the grass by the roots, just take a hoe and scrap away the dead grass, and he goes $80.00, which literally made me question his honesty, I was going to have him clean the entire backyard and may have gone 300.00 maybe 350.00 for a couple days work, if he is telling the truth about his dire straights, he can get his woman out there and pulling and yanking, but no he cops an attitude and I believe he is focusing on elderly couples who can’t physically doing the work and he charges a premium in an area while not affluent is filled with families who do ok and are too busy to do the work, or too old. A neighbor is supposed to be a cop, but doesn’t have a patrol car, did a background check and checked out where he lived, and he does seem to be supporting a large cast but he claims he works enough o earn the rent and food for a day but the math doesn’t add up, his story doesn’t seem right and it may be true but sounds fishy as to why he doesn’t use public assistance, but his story could seem that way just through sheer repetition, but I can’t use him and he blew his chance with, me, may seem harsh but I didn’t like the way he was banging on the windows on Christmas eve ½ hour after sunset where I first heard his song and dance and he asked me for 10 bucks, and I understand him saying he was 10 bucks short of paying the rent, but I’ve heard that story before, its always 10 bucks because most people know asking for 20 bucks sounds like a drug addict, so it goes on and on and on.

Listening to the Jazz channel waiting for the news, trying to stay off the internet which is like a drug for me because My mind goes a million miles an hour and I spend much time on pop references, mindless trivia, or a simple answer to a complex scientific question, like rising ocean temperatures causing small islands to disappear, and I going what what what????, but the more I think about it, hmmm makes a little sense, except the ocean currents must offset it or something like that, a few minutes it sounded like someone turned on the water outside so I went out there with a flashlight and I didn’t hear anything, but I wondered where that sound came from, at first I thought a water line broke but I haven’t heard anything since, I have hearing problems I sometimes hear wind rushing by and it is just the fluid in my ears settling.

I feel like I am juggling many things, and I need to make a list and do a priority ranking, not just at home, but at work, they guy helping is very helpful and I need to get him some actual hard core training before he leaves, although there are no jobs out there and he is on federal training, but I worry about the future, I see the number that are released and I hear murmurs that they are much worse and the economic recovery will be slow and the credit crunch and low wages will keep economic growth down for up to 10 years, I remember the movie “they shoot horses don’t they” and I envision couples in their 60’s fighting couples in their 40’s for jobs at wal-mart doing jobs that teenagers or the 20’s doing and the younger people staying in school for as long as possible working at apprentice jobs for 60 cents on the dollar, and others joining the military and staying as long as possible, I’m missing some really horrible complex economic models, and cynicism and a sleeping kitty purring away may be affecting (effecting?) my tone or tense of note. I still haven’t unpacked and I put all the boxes in the on room that has no light or 100% working outlets, I also need lamps but I’m afraid to plug anything in without a surge protector and those cost 10-15 bucks, I don’t know if I want to trust $7.00 protector the good people at UL not withstanding, the darkness bummed me out big time, and the sun depresses me in the morning, almost like I pulled an all-nighter and the sun is mocking me as I try to keep my eyes open and stumble towards the car dressed up like that Christmas song cursing the light streaming over the mountains as my skin feels like a roaster begging for attention at the market

Fall is here

Fall is here, another season gone, another to look forward to
I hope everyone had at least one bright moment this summer

where is the mama feral cat?

A recent development which may be a non event got my attention, I was checking on my folk’s house. And there is this feral cat that my folks adopted because it was little more than a kitten and cried and cried and my mom put some food out for it and noticed it had half a tail and at the beginning had quite an appetite. They didn’t know what kind of Kitty it was until April 1 when a delighted mom called me and said there were 3 kitties in the shed, my mom put a towel for the kitties and the mamma cat moved them to the other shed, and when my mom tried again to give them somewhere warm, the mama cat moved them inside the garage through the vents. Needless to say I was not worried about the kitties because there were only 3 and I was hopeful they would find a home (and they did) but I could foresee a herd of kitties overtaking the neighborhood, though a wonderful organization known as NM Animal Friends for 15 bucks they will spay or neuter a cat, and they are no kill. Right around when the kittens left I along with an animal lover set up some traps and I thought it would never work as I thought the cat is too clever. An hour later I checked and sure enough the cat was in the trap and saw that is was still a kitty, (the other black feral cat disappeared around the time the new black feral cat appeared and incident that cannot be a coincident) the kitty in the trap was very scared and I was told to put a blanket over it and I being the eternal skeptic thought the cat was going to hurt himself, but luckily my folks were out of town (irony once again, I save her from a life of kitties when they are gone and when they are gone the kitty disappears) Anyway the kitty calmed down and I put the trap inside the office addition and went home. 7 am I pick up the kitty and take it to the spay clinic (only once a month, the timing I saw as a sign from St. Francis of Assisi) the kitty made it through the surgery, slept in the office again, next morning I released her and she sprinted one the worse for wear, her ear was notched so animal control would know she was already spayed. My mom said the kitty came by the next morning they came back and sang for her breakfast and things returned to normal. My folks left on Aug 1 for a trip and I stopped by to get the mail and feed the feral mama kitty and the inside Cat, and the Feral mama cat didn’t run and watched me refill the food and top off the water dish. I am always fascinated by watching animals eat and drink water, I don’t know why, it is a moment of tranquility in which they exist a fragile moment of the existence of conscience which end with the slightest of movement or strange noise. I watched him eat for 4 days after which he would lie on the concrete or lawn chair and I would leave. She was a no show Thursday but the dish was empty, I filled it to the brim, Friday no kitty, Saturday no Kitty and I asked my sister if she had fed the kitty and she said she had not seen the black one but had seen the gray Feral kitty eating. Today I stopped by and there was a little food in the dish but no mama feral kitty. Feral cats have a very short life, but since this one didn’t have to cross the street and had several places to hid and sleep in the area I thought it would have up to 5 years of existence and I felt a spiritual connection to it, I don’t know why, I suppose because it would be nice to have two cats so my current Lord of the Estate would have a companion, but my lord has indicated that this will not happen. The mama cat feral will probably show up once she hears my mom’s voice, but if she joined the universe, then it is fate, and for what ever it is worth she brought joy into my parents life, my life and the kitties brought a warm feeling to whom ever held them. I feel sadness not so much for the cat mama feral, because we never really had a connection, but because I am taking a much needed vacation and My kitty will be staying at a kitty hotel which will cost as much as the rental car because how do I justify not getting the absolute best accommodations for kitty including a kitty connection where I can call Kitty and they will hold the phone up to the kitty so he can hear my voice, which 3 years ago I would have said are you F#$%ing kidding me, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of, but now I have a guilt complex, I considered getting a nice room and driving and taking the cat with me , but if for some reason the cat escaped and got loose I would be suicidal. So Kitty hotel, extra TLC care, pet insurance, outside shots for an inside cat, I’m down like 500.00, 275 for the rental car to go exploring , 500.00 for the train (I’m a romantic at heart) to san diego. A big trip to see how my sister and niece lives, I’m stressed because I will miss some of the goals I set for work, and I wasted the last three weeks doing nothing when I could have cleaned the apt, finished moving from 18 months ago, I need to finish photographing my stuff so the rental insurance I bought will cover, ( I expect the worst in life), I’ve packed my daily stuff and I am too paranoid to use the big bag because I am afraid Amtrak will lose it because I have to switch to a commuter train in LA so I have three bags including my laptop to cram enough stuff for 7 days plus the C-pap machine, and I am freaking that something will go wrong at both ends like a apt fire which destroys everything I own insurance or no insurance and an earthquake will destroy California as the train pulls into LA. Never mind I get weirded out by the number of unemployed I see, the homeless begging for change to use for food, shelter, and drugs, the total psychos I see on TV convinced that a health care program will turn us into communists, make Soylent Green a reality, and see strange looking people on TV screaming that their country is going down hill never mind they are likely on SSI which is a socialist program I really need this vacation

The Pledge

I have been blessed with having many friends who knew me 30 plus years ago, and whether God suffers fools, I’ve been very lucky, or my bill is coming due soon, for some reason recent events placed me in a position where faces from the past have come to roost, and a delayed dinner invitation came back to haunt me as a lovely woman and wife of a very close friend dies suddenly. The very next day I meet an old coworker (although I’m the old one as she would likely point out) and her daughter as she runs 10 kilometers for the fun of it and is joined by about 100 others, I meet her darling daughter who is very much like her mom and Grandma is along and it is strange to see three generations out for a stroll and shared time. My family is pretty tight but not three generations, but it is more a function of age as there was a time when I was a child that the closeness was there before was convinced that my ancestors did not descend from Spain, but from somewhere beyond the andromeda galaxy.. I say that not in a derogatory manner because all families are convinced they are the strangest, and many have their tales to tell. My family runs strangeness par excellence and I only know 15% of the stories and the real stories will never be told due to death. I have this bizarre fantasy that once the main actors have passed a sacred document with the chronology of the family secrets, with space for my generation to add on to it.

Alas it ain’t gonna happen! This week I was reminded at a mini 30th reunion of how people I barely knew 30 years ago meant to me and of the opportunity I missed by not so much toeing the line but by not appreciation the opportunities that were presented to me, and my antiestablishment behavior was wasted on adults who only (for the most part) wanted the best for me both spiritually and emotionally. My behavior was a necessary step, for had I not taken the leap to boarding school, I might have followed a path of total self annihilation. My two years there are the fondest memories I have, an encapsulation of insanity, fears, tears, laughter, and a gift of Love for life and shared experiences that are priceless.

I write this while admitting I have always been “hefty”, as a kid I was “husky” “Husky plus”, in HS I was elegantly plump. Now I am a load but I have yo-yo’s about 25 lbs the last 10 years. While looking at fotos from the 20th I discovered that I still have some of the same shirts and they were loose there now they are a little tighter and while there must be some shrinkage, there is expansion taking place. It is only noteworthy because I have joined the diabetes club recently and the doctor and dentist told me it is time for change, before the damage is irreversible. It is strange when someone dies within 6 degrees of separation I get the “You really need to take care of yourself”

So for the 38th consecutive year I will take the pledge
This Year I have a Kitty at my side

how to stay cool

good news!!!!

I have good news about the Ferral kitty
I just need to find the fotos and finish the story

Life its own self

It is a Sunday afternoon, 11:22 am, there is a grand prix race on TV where there are 4 classes of cars, but I can’t keep track and it is just on for ambient background noise for the cat, I have head phones on and I am catching up on all the podcasts on my shuffle I need to catch up on, most of them are 3-4 minutes, the cat climbed between a sheet I have covering the couch, ( the texture irritates my arms and legs) sometimes the cat for what ever reason burrows his was in-between and is attacking something, I thought it might be an insect, but I have yet to find one and after his attack he goes to sleep, so be it.

Recently an incident reminded me that there is life outside my own sphere of selfishness. There have been many stories of shootings in the news, there was even a family killed last week. Starting with the killing of 4 cops in Oakland, 3 in Pittsburg, Immigration center in NY, and 3-4 families scattered throughout the US. The reasons given were varied, some feared (or so they claimed) the loss of their guns, so their response was to kill a bunch of people. Some lost their job and instead of d=facing the struggle head on they killed their kids, which is a very common murder-suicide going ways back to the depression, another common one is the marriage disintegrates, usually over money, and the man kills the kids, kills himself and sends a message that he hopes her new love is worth it. It is not lost on me that a few days ago the 2nt remembrance if Virginia tech and tomorrow is the 10th of columbine.

I don’t understand this level of thinking; I read an article that the rate of mass murders hasn’t really changed. What has changed? We have become numb, these things don’t even really grab out attention. A school shooting may capture out notice, but it is usually the police reaction, or the anticipation for a video or note explaining why he did it. A distant war, economic collapse, frustration with out elected leaders over the last 12 or so years, all this puts us a fingertip out of reach of compassion. On a local level we all do something to help out, even if it is a donation, as a society we tend to come together to help when asked, but it aren’t always humans. The interchanges on the interstate have been rebuilt and the critters that lived in the area (prairie dogs and the like) were relocated and I checked to see what happens and I saw links to no-kill groups and they had web-pages that showed kitties and puppies of every shape and age, and they are asking for 25-100 a month. These bother me a bit, I can see putting up the cost of a single animal running about 250.00 a year, but I don’t know the scope of the no kill shelters. The pages are set up like those commercials for cute kids that have nothing and a $10.00 a month pledge will provide vaccinations, schooling, and meals. This has the opposite effect where I wonder if the same kid has several sponsors, or if it is an economy of scale scenario. I always have a bad feeling when I hear of an animal suffering, but if someone is found dead it goes over my head if I don’t recognize the name. A couple of weeks ago I was driving in the predawn darkness and saw a cat that I had seen darting across the road on many times, lying in the road, I circled back and honked the horn and he didn’t move so I continued on to work and I felt bad I returned to see if I could move him before he became part of the road and he was already gone, and I am hopeful that his owner took him.

This is a long way of getting to something that happened a couple of weeks ago. But first backtrack a year or so. According to the source, the cry of a desperate and very hungry was uttered by a black cat, a black cat already lives at the residence. My mom hates to see animals suffer and when she noticed the cat only had ½ a tail she started to feed it and it would disappear, return eat, and eventually would sleep on the front or back porch, this confused because I once came to visit saw the cat on the porch, who ran as I approached and I entered the house, saw another black cat. My mom told me that the outside cat won’t let them get near it but it cries in the morning and it broke my mom’s heart. Fast foreword over a year, the cat we thought was a he, is a she and left kitties, 3 of them, in the shed. My mom put them in a towel and the cat moved them to the garage, my mom put a towel and the cat moved them to a very tiny space next to a vent. So the cat has had a warm place all Along to sleep during the winter.

Here is the problem, there are three kitties that have to be given away and we all know what happens to kitties who go to the pound, and now the cat has to go because it would be cruel to let it continue to reproduce. But the cat is feral and no one will want it so it will be put down. Now I have no emotional attachment to the cat, but I feel a connection. The cat was doing what cats do, especially wild one, pure existence, sleep, breath, eat where ever it can, and part of it is reproduction. I could not stand by and let the human society take the cat and put it down, and I understand that there are too many cats out there, and the cat will likely not live much longer, but it gives my mom a purpose in the morning, and my dad also likes when the cat cries in the morning, but does not like the other cats coming around for a free meal.

I checked and it is possible to set a trap and get the cat fixed and it is very cheap, and the cat can be released the next day. Problems one solved, the kitties may have homes, I am hopeful, and that is a problem I will address later.

A co worker is an animal activist but does not like no kill shelters, she thinks is kinder to put animals down than to subject them to foraging for a living, or get a warm home, plenty to eat, and cast out on their own when they have to move or become inconvenient. That is cruelty, it isn’t right to do that to an animal and there are parts if the city where there are colonies of dogs and cats that are abandoned and eke out a lying aided by well meaning people who won’t let the will ones get trapped.

The essence of existence is to think, to survive, and to live; if I get the cat fixed she can not make more kitties, obviously has a place to stay warm, and brings a measure or normalcy to the household. If the cat dies in an accident, it is fate and while the cat does not have the consciousness to know what I will do, it will sleep, wake up, slep in the sun, and live.

Right cross to the solar plexus,

Perhaps you are aware of the current predicament on the relationship front; perhaps some of you have dealt with someone who has a substance abuse problem. If you have, you know it is a never ending problem. The conspicuous consumption of the drug addict is something is a wonder to behold, the value of a dollar holds no merit, but a targetable aberration. The stories spun to obtain the opiate dream challenge the sincerity of the Academy Award nominations. My beloved who has spent the better part of 3 seasons incarcerated in the county jail for what is essentially using a controlled substance and a device to deliver the controlled substance. The first go around was a 5 month stay, a Nolo contendere plea, and a suspended sentence just in time for the thanksgiving holiday.

Upon release I picked her up, promises were made and we went to my place to consume turkey and a movie that has a special place in my heart. After about 2 hours, a claim of fatigue was made, and she was transported to her home to clean and get acclimated to freedom, or so she said. Within the hour she has violated probation, reintroduced the opiates to her synapse, and was back in the saddle again. Four days later, back in jail, same charge, but a habitual offender was added. Her friends were picked up along with her so she was assigned a private attorney. Today she was released on an ankle bracelet, and was unhappy she had to report for a UA at 6:00 am. I said I would accommodate her and I saw to it she spent her money she coned her dad out of. I was restless because with drug addicts the first 24 are a big problem.

Midnight I receive a call from her that she need $30.oo to pay “bro”, which was an actual drug debt, but she claims that the desperate dealer wants the money right away, he happened to stop by and that she called her tracker and put off the UA until 9:00, which is something I don’t understand because the time frame is not relevant to her debt. If I acquiesce to her wishes she can still be there by 6:00 am. Naturally I said no, she has called 16 times begging, pleading, that her dad will pay it back or this guy from Compton will kill her after waiting the better part of 6 months for 30 bucks, and he wants it now, or 5:00 am or now so he will go away because she is a snitch, or trouble, and she swears that she has not used, and
the latest call is that I got $100.00 for my birthday ( which helped offset the 200.00 in phone charges she accumulated), the tone I hear is one I’ve heard many times, the desperate tone of the user, wanting the opiate.

She paid for dinner, and her dad will reimburse me, (I believe), but I guess I struggle with finally pushing away from the dock and setting sail for another shore. It would be cheaper to pay the 30.00 and say goodbye now than to prolong it, so I cut the deal I drive over and drop off the thirty she changes her demeanor, and I’d bet there is her user friend inside, their plan fulfilled and I bet the GF thinks she has some mystic liquid that will clean her pipes in time for the UA, if she goes at all, she thinks that the ‘I’m too sick without a ride” will get her by.
The fantasy was fun while it lasted, if I get paid back cool, if not I got out cheap.

So late this afternon I get a call from a police office, she wanted to know where she was, she blew off the UA test, cut the ankle braclet and I was assigned the task to see if she was there, she was, she got irate and walked away, a dealer showed up picker her up, she walked back as the police showed up, she ws arrested and I spoke to the cop and they kind of played me but I didn't want anything serious to happen so i'm ok with it. still after all the time and money getting ready, writting letters to the judge and lawyers, all for nothing. The disease wins

Right cross to the solar plexus, one step back to catch my breath
she faces 18 months in the pokie

Shave and a Haircut 136 bits

I was driving along the road, heading home, deciding if I should do a little shopping for proper nourishment or hit the drive thru circuit, the voice on the radio was droning on about women’s basketball and how unimportant it is, without realizing that actual make it a topic makes it relevant. I notice a kid (re: about 19-21) holding a sigh waving it with the smallest of effort, looking very forlorn, very bored. It was a sign offering 6.99 haircuts, (it’s a barber college which goes by the name of Better U, I had often thought of going to a barber college but I had this irrational fear of having a bald head which actually happened once due to a faulty no. 7 guard). I circle around, drop in, why? Because, well I don’t know why, but I feel badly for the kid. I walk in, and I’m waiting at the front counter, there are about 15 people wearing these smocks, and no one is at the front, back in the office I can hear this conversation with this guy saying he is dating a porn star, and then backtracking that she really isn’t a porn star but has done porn, and he isn’t sure if that makes her a star, but yeah she done porn, and is fine. Apparently the guys in the office date strippers, (who apparently do porn on the side) they have lots of tattoos . The kind of look me over and call to the back and a man about my age comes up asks what I need and I ask for a shave and a haircut. I was seated and a very nice young man who was very polite, and he talked about opening his own place some day, there was something vaguely familiar about the part of the tattoo I could see, but he asked me how I wanted my hair (2 one the sides 8 on top spiked, square the bottom), he was hesitant about the shave but the man my age says he’ll help. He finishes the haircut and does an ok job, just needs some practice, but was very thorough. He never does the shave, but the teacher takes his time and shows him what to do (keep the skin tight), but I was a bit bothered by the lack of a usable blade with reach, the kid had a new blade, but was not prepped, the teacher finds a blade and pulls out an old leather strap, and I don’t see what he is doing, but he shaves me and does ok. I pay and pull out 6 bucks for a tip offer ½ to teacher, but he tells me to give it all to the kid to encourage him.

Back to the tattoos, the part I saw was the number 13, which is a gang reference, a discussion started as I sat down, which centered on someone going out to get a bite to eat and a few of the students couldn’t go because they had to see their PO, this started of a bunch of hoots and hollers on what a hassle it is to see a PO 3 times a week.

I guess I’ll go back, and I’m glad to see troubled youth learning a trade, cause people need to get their hair cut right?, and they looked like a bunch of youths livin in the moment, which took me back a few decades. Some people tell me if I’m not talking I have the stone face of a vato, where I get very animated talking

Thursday an 38 days to go

February 26, 2009

Ok today, but this morning, my attempt to give up my right to be offended was tempted and I probably failed. Last week I presented products, and they were defective and it was brought to my attention, I attempted to fix the problem, but an offended was more intent on complaining, that taking the correction I had in my hand, not wanting to enter into a verbal joust, I asked for the supervisor to contact me, I got a brief terse note back but her supervisors were cc’d, now I have to involve but I gave a synopsis of what happened but in about four hundreds words and my head honcho who used to be a radio guy made an off hand remark about brevity, maybe I should have twittered

Anyway
Steroid last night cheated with tortilla and butter
This morning 256
Tonight 116
I not eat late it is 11:00
I will pic, pic and post

Good night

39 to go

First day of lent, made it ok
Morning 156
Noon 123
Post work 158
Ate one sweet, no meat, played with the cat hope he will nap
11 bodies in a southwest city, storied past displayed for all to see
Lost more confusing, what is Jin’s role?
The cat scratches his nuggets away, then cleans him self
Work is hard, no help in sight, unpaid leave may happen, retirement delayed that case in ‘81 costs me to this day

give up the right to be offended

Part one a letter to my baby who’s doing time

Well babyish I’m at home, kitty an I played light a he ran in circles 3 times for up to 4 minutes at a time, and he appears all tuckered out, he is lying on the tubs looking at me eyes half open, 24 is on and it is really really silly this year. I miss you terribly it is very surreal the length of time you have been away, and you may be away till the end of summer. I have planned to take a week off for my birthday, and I am a co sponsor of a mass on the 24th which is Ccuz’s birthday. I was e-mailing with S2 and she is upset as well. I was thinking about Ccuz and I remembered how sickly he always was and while he thought he lived in Hcuz’s shadow, his presence shined brightly, it is still unbelievable tragedy and I think of you and how many chances you have left. Hiney, what are your plans when you get out? You got popped for a $5 rock, that’s pocket money, and I worry that the way economy is, things will be real bad by this summer. Already robberies are way up, and they are stupid robberies, I worry about your psyche, you still talk like you are a ghetto girl, and I’ve tried to joke about it but you need to watch it, I’m sure it is hard an since you are in country you really have no chance to practice and you have to be invisible in country an I understand why you speak like that on the phone, because you don’t write like that.

I really need some time off but there is never enough time to be off, ( I told you NI gave me 30.00 right, I guess she had the $$$ Friday but was having fun, being young, and S2 got really pissed at her, I called S2 as soon as I got home and she was relieved, she complained that “NI acts like we all here to serve her” which describes the average 22 yr old, funny to hear her talking like that, I think NI got careless with her w-2’ an expected S2 to cover her. she drove out here and her car is a cute college car, gets 35 miles to the gallon. It cost her $73.00 to drive here from Oz) I have the week of my revolution around the sun off, and I am going to try to do something (it was 73 today, but it had to be about 76 downtown, you sun just walked to the door, I think kitty gets hot he sometimes sleeps in the bathtub, but he still sleeps next to the heater, I was reading up on cats and I need to get him out more, maybe when I get home, I’ll just take him around the parking lot, I think that the cordless phone will go as far as the street, and that should cover you. I’m Sleepy it is 10:20 pm

2/24/2009

Song “peace sells but who’s buying”
Great head banging song
But I will go with back in black
Tomorrow Lent starts and I am trying to embrace the teachings rather than the traditions, but I do have some catfish soaked in generic “lea and Perkins” sauce. I met with the priest Saturday and I was a little nervous and I got there too early, so I sat in the courtyard and there was no one there, and some birds, first a robin I think and some smaller birds were there and they were flapping away in the water and I grabbed a moment of clarity that I need to get out more, and the kitty really needs to get out more. It was 76 degrees and it isn’t even March yet, (I can feel another snowstorm out there anyway). While I was waiting, marveling at the birds, I looked at the bulletin and it offered the opinion that instead of giving up sweets, I give up the right to be offended. That really hit me between the eyes, I still have regrets against people at work that go back years, wasted energy really,, this anger manifests in my downgrading my self, my enemies real an imagined bring me down by their very existence, not by acts or words, maybe career holdback, but I own a large portion of that. I think I’m too smart for my own good and, I am opinionated, I am harsh for shock value, but…

I see the priest and he is glad that I see my ego is holing me back an affecting my health which prevents me from spreading the love of Jesus, or the Love I have for Jesus from helping others, I gave a brief explanation of my grievance and he said he had been there and understands, but that when I find my self I a trough I need to remember that I am not there alone, I have the guidance of God, (probably the holy spirit0 and I need to make my way out to find my path.

Father is a great man, really lifted my spirit, so I have a mission, work the mind, then the body, I will try to keep the basic vital statistics so I may not post every day but I will try to keep an account

But tonight at 10:00
Bc 156
Wt 263

Good night

President Obama a hope for a new nation

01/20/2009

The day has arrived; President Obama and his wife are going through the ritual. Mass at the president’s church, now a coffee with Bush and Chaney at the white house, millions of people are ecstatic one end of the mall has closed (14th street entrance) it is full. The pictures of the National Mall are amazing; the news agencies are doing a good job showing the people celebrating both black and white in a virtual block party.

I sit at home, the cat even seems excited, waking me up at 6:00 (Mohammed Ali just showed up, its like 20 degrees, what are they thinking, Magic Johnson) as I was typing, the Cat woke me p at 6:00 and would not be denied, I thought I had forgotten to feed him last night, but I had not, In my enthusiasm I figured he wanted to see the pomp and pageantry, but when I turned on the TV he merely yawned and wanted a little attention. He is now looking outside from his high perch. I took the morning off, I wanted to be pensive I my thoughts, on the dawn of a new era. Pres Obama repeated a quote from Dr. King, that “if you are a street sweeper, you have a duty to be the best street sweeper ever”. I’ve heard this before, and I’ve tried to wrap my mind around it, it has never hit home, and it may be since I’ve heard it from supervisors over the years, but it is said as a warning
(they are showing the crowd and they are all chanting “Obama, Obama” and I have to say it is bring a tear to my eye, I just read Michael Moore’s blog and I am recalling Olbermann’s admonition of Bush, saying because he allowed war crimes, we re also guilty of war crimes, fair point but I hoop Keith backs down a bit. Bush and Chaney will get theirs, likely in the same manner that Reagan did not get to enjoy the fruits of the empire he built, and did not have to answer for his errors)

But as a warning it is meaningless, I need to stop getting creamed, I need to stop birching about my situation, I need to let the situation with Gf work its self out, embrace my place one step at a time, seize the cards I am dealt, take better of myself, organize my self, walk the kitty, see the family, change the attitude, take the train trip, see the left coast, reduce the load, pay down the burden

28 years ago a old man declared, it is morning in America, Today it is the Dawn of a new America, for the first time I am older than the President, this is our time, this is our place, this is our struggle, the old and the new come out the door, preceded by the war criminals, with little a hour to go, I am struck by my failures, but I am hopeful, the enthusiasm will follow, and I will do my part

Time to get down to work

Musings of a near full moon

So it is a Sunday night and I am not hung over or feeling the effects of a nuclear mind blowing liquid experiment designed by a functional literate liver failing or reasonable facsimile thereof drunken fool waiting for 24 to start after a bizarre weekend of football upsets, a disappointing full moon that was supposed to a spectacular lunar event, but was not anything more to me that the usual beautiful full moon that happens every month and is an amazing event at it 9the moon) rises over the mountains and is breathtaking every time no matter how often I see it, but you have to look upwards, looking down on the ground only gets you pennies or nickels dropped by hapless souls or in the rare event a dollar, although I once found 5 bucks which I gave to the child of a coworker as part of an amends that I need to make from a monumental day many years ago, a day which repeated itself in infamy and led me on a branch, while split many times , remains with me today although many of the cool details remain livid, albeit distant as a smile from a beauty queen during Tuesday afternoon preliminaries at the county fair queen, an event which will land the winner a job and date with the county commissioner, and the runners up go back to the farm, to dream of the day that got away as they butcher the food that makes its way to our table for consumption, digestion, excrement and flushing, a process that illuminates the need for healthy diet

forgot to title the post

It is a drag when you cannot sleep; since I have abstained I have not slept well. I figure I got about 5 hours yesterday, and I think I slept about ½ hour tonight but my jaw slipped and I grinded my teeth an woke completely up, that signaled kitty to hop on the bed and crawl between my legs, this is fine when I am already asleep, but if I am not then I can’t move and Kitty gets vocally bummed out, he used to curl next to me and wrap his paws around my hand but he doesn’t do that every time. He might be mad since I was off for 10 calendar days and I left today for 4 hour stretches, I come home for lunch. He is excite for about an hour and a half and if I stay up too late he comes and sits next to me which is usually a sigh to go to bed. 1:35 am damn I’m feeling that sense of dread that if I don’t go to sleep soon I will see the sun rise… Listening to the last of a Louie Armstrong CD, “Heebie Jeebies “ yawn 2:00 struggling to find a seam of tranquility

10:27 pm moderately tired, did nothing again, work ok, training tomorrow
December 3, 2008

Training over, I won some pixie sticks which I gave to an old co worker, won a scracher which produced nothing and got some props from division director for sending a thank you e-mail to a trainer, which was kind of cool. Training ended early so there is a bit of daylight out, I’m hoping that I can get to bed early tonight and stay asleep

but tonight BB king will be on tv and the victoria secret show is on which is silly since I can see more on the net that if it weren't frankly so filthy I'd take advantage of it despite the risk of virus attack.

so there is this show secret millionare where rich clueless people pretend they are down on their luck for a week and then find worthy people to give money to, but I doubt the reality of the show because of the cameras, even if you by the premise of a reality show, people will be nicer if they know they are being filmed.

I smell a rat, and not the one on a stick the kid was eating

full moon sans date, but with bad spelling

If you want to shoot the stars, get a good tripod

close up of a fuzzy venius

I was gonna update legal issues of gf, or going back to work after a week, but tonight on of those alignments that happens every 500 years occured



not a bad shot but I have a 10 dollar tripod and with extreme close up (10x) it looks ok at first, but when viewed on a laptop you see the blur
check out the earth glow