The Pledge

I have been blessed with having many friends who knew me 30 plus years ago, and whether God suffers fools, I’ve been very lucky, or my bill is coming due soon, for some reason recent events placed me in a position where faces from the past have come to roost, and a delayed dinner invitation came back to haunt me as a lovely woman and wife of a very close friend dies suddenly. The very next day I meet an old coworker (although I’m the old one as she would likely point out) and her daughter as she runs 10 kilometers for the fun of it and is joined by about 100 others, I meet her darling daughter who is very much like her mom and Grandma is along and it is strange to see three generations out for a stroll and shared time. My family is pretty tight but not three generations, but it is more a function of age as there was a time when I was a child that the closeness was there before was convinced that my ancestors did not descend from Spain, but from somewhere beyond the andromeda galaxy.. I say that not in a derogatory manner because all families are convinced they are the strangest, and many have their tales to tell. My family runs strangeness par excellence and I only know 15% of the stories and the real stories will never be told due to death. I have this bizarre fantasy that once the main actors have passed a sacred document with the chronology of the family secrets, with space for my generation to add on to it.

Alas it ain’t gonna happen! This week I was reminded at a mini 30th reunion of how people I barely knew 30 years ago meant to me and of the opportunity I missed by not so much toeing the line but by not appreciation the opportunities that were presented to me, and my antiestablishment behavior was wasted on adults who only (for the most part) wanted the best for me both spiritually and emotionally. My behavior was a necessary step, for had I not taken the leap to boarding school, I might have followed a path of total self annihilation. My two years there are the fondest memories I have, an encapsulation of insanity, fears, tears, laughter, and a gift of Love for life and shared experiences that are priceless.

I write this while admitting I have always been “hefty”, as a kid I was “husky” “Husky plus”, in HS I was elegantly plump. Now I am a load but I have yo-yo’s about 25 lbs the last 10 years. While looking at fotos from the 20th I discovered that I still have some of the same shirts and they were loose there now they are a little tighter and while there must be some shrinkage, there is expansion taking place. It is only noteworthy because I have joined the diabetes club recently and the doctor and dentist told me it is time for change, before the damage is irreversible. It is strange when someone dies within 6 degrees of separation I get the “You really need to take care of yourself”

So for the 38th consecutive year I will take the pledge
This Year I have a Kitty at my side

how to stay cool

good news!!!!

I have good news about the Ferral kitty
I just need to find the fotos and finish the story

Life its own self

It is a Sunday afternoon, 11:22 am, there is a grand prix race on TV where there are 4 classes of cars, but I can’t keep track and it is just on for ambient background noise for the cat, I have head phones on and I am catching up on all the podcasts on my shuffle I need to catch up on, most of them are 3-4 minutes, the cat climbed between a sheet I have covering the couch, ( the texture irritates my arms and legs) sometimes the cat for what ever reason burrows his was in-between and is attacking something, I thought it might be an insect, but I have yet to find one and after his attack he goes to sleep, so be it.

Recently an incident reminded me that there is life outside my own sphere of selfishness. There have been many stories of shootings in the news, there was even a family killed last week. Starting with the killing of 4 cops in Oakland, 3 in Pittsburg, Immigration center in NY, and 3-4 families scattered throughout the US. The reasons given were varied, some feared (or so they claimed) the loss of their guns, so their response was to kill a bunch of people. Some lost their job and instead of d=facing the struggle head on they killed their kids, which is a very common murder-suicide going ways back to the depression, another common one is the marriage disintegrates, usually over money, and the man kills the kids, kills himself and sends a message that he hopes her new love is worth it. It is not lost on me that a few days ago the 2nt remembrance if Virginia tech and tomorrow is the 10th of columbine.

I don’t understand this level of thinking; I read an article that the rate of mass murders hasn’t really changed. What has changed? We have become numb, these things don’t even really grab out attention. A school shooting may capture out notice, but it is usually the police reaction, or the anticipation for a video or note explaining why he did it. A distant war, economic collapse, frustration with out elected leaders over the last 12 or so years, all this puts us a fingertip out of reach of compassion. On a local level we all do something to help out, even if it is a donation, as a society we tend to come together to help when asked, but it aren’t always humans. The interchanges on the interstate have been rebuilt and the critters that lived in the area (prairie dogs and the like) were relocated and I checked to see what happens and I saw links to no-kill groups and they had web-pages that showed kitties and puppies of every shape and age, and they are asking for 25-100 a month. These bother me a bit, I can see putting up the cost of a single animal running about 250.00 a year, but I don’t know the scope of the no kill shelters. The pages are set up like those commercials for cute kids that have nothing and a $10.00 a month pledge will provide vaccinations, schooling, and meals. This has the opposite effect where I wonder if the same kid has several sponsors, or if it is an economy of scale scenario. I always have a bad feeling when I hear of an animal suffering, but if someone is found dead it goes over my head if I don’t recognize the name. A couple of weeks ago I was driving in the predawn darkness and saw a cat that I had seen darting across the road on many times, lying in the road, I circled back and honked the horn and he didn’t move so I continued on to work and I felt bad I returned to see if I could move him before he became part of the road and he was already gone, and I am hopeful that his owner took him.

This is a long way of getting to something that happened a couple of weeks ago. But first backtrack a year or so. According to the source, the cry of a desperate and very hungry was uttered by a black cat, a black cat already lives at the residence. My mom hates to see animals suffer and when she noticed the cat only had ½ a tail she started to feed it and it would disappear, return eat, and eventually would sleep on the front or back porch, this confused because I once came to visit saw the cat on the porch, who ran as I approached and I entered the house, saw another black cat. My mom told me that the outside cat won’t let them get near it but it cries in the morning and it broke my mom’s heart. Fast foreword over a year, the cat we thought was a he, is a she and left kitties, 3 of them, in the shed. My mom put them in a towel and the cat moved them to the garage, my mom put a towel and the cat moved them to a very tiny space next to a vent. So the cat has had a warm place all Along to sleep during the winter.

Here is the problem, there are three kitties that have to be given away and we all know what happens to kitties who go to the pound, and now the cat has to go because it would be cruel to let it continue to reproduce. But the cat is feral and no one will want it so it will be put down. Now I have no emotional attachment to the cat, but I feel a connection. The cat was doing what cats do, especially wild one, pure existence, sleep, breath, eat where ever it can, and part of it is reproduction. I could not stand by and let the human society take the cat and put it down, and I understand that there are too many cats out there, and the cat will likely not live much longer, but it gives my mom a purpose in the morning, and my dad also likes when the cat cries in the morning, but does not like the other cats coming around for a free meal.

I checked and it is possible to set a trap and get the cat fixed and it is very cheap, and the cat can be released the next day. Problems one solved, the kitties may have homes, I am hopeful, and that is a problem I will address later.

A co worker is an animal activist but does not like no kill shelters, she thinks is kinder to put animals down than to subject them to foraging for a living, or get a warm home, plenty to eat, and cast out on their own when they have to move or become inconvenient. That is cruelty, it isn’t right to do that to an animal and there are parts if the city where there are colonies of dogs and cats that are abandoned and eke out a lying aided by well meaning people who won’t let the will ones get trapped.

The essence of existence is to think, to survive, and to live; if I get the cat fixed she can not make more kitties, obviously has a place to stay warm, and brings a measure or normalcy to the household. If the cat dies in an accident, it is fate and while the cat does not have the consciousness to know what I will do, it will sleep, wake up, slep in the sun, and live.

Right cross to the solar plexus,

Perhaps you are aware of the current predicament on the relationship front; perhaps some of you have dealt with someone who has a substance abuse problem. If you have, you know it is a never ending problem. The conspicuous consumption of the drug addict is something is a wonder to behold, the value of a dollar holds no merit, but a targetable aberration. The stories spun to obtain the opiate dream challenge the sincerity of the Academy Award nominations. My beloved who has spent the better part of 3 seasons incarcerated in the county jail for what is essentially using a controlled substance and a device to deliver the controlled substance. The first go around was a 5 month stay, a Nolo contendere plea, and a suspended sentence just in time for the thanksgiving holiday.

Upon release I picked her up, promises were made and we went to my place to consume turkey and a movie that has a special place in my heart. After about 2 hours, a claim of fatigue was made, and she was transported to her home to clean and get acclimated to freedom, or so she said. Within the hour she has violated probation, reintroduced the opiates to her synapse, and was back in the saddle again. Four days later, back in jail, same charge, but a habitual offender was added. Her friends were picked up along with her so she was assigned a private attorney. Today she was released on an ankle bracelet, and was unhappy she had to report for a UA at 6:00 am. I said I would accommodate her and I saw to it she spent her money she coned her dad out of. I was restless because with drug addicts the first 24 are a big problem.

Midnight I receive a call from her that she need $30.oo to pay “bro”, which was an actual drug debt, but she claims that the desperate dealer wants the money right away, he happened to stop by and that she called her tracker and put off the UA until 9:00, which is something I don’t understand because the time frame is not relevant to her debt. If I acquiesce to her wishes she can still be there by 6:00 am. Naturally I said no, she has called 16 times begging, pleading, that her dad will pay it back or this guy from Compton will kill her after waiting the better part of 6 months for 30 bucks, and he wants it now, or 5:00 am or now so he will go away because she is a snitch, or trouble, and she swears that she has not used, and
the latest call is that I got $100.00 for my birthday ( which helped offset the 200.00 in phone charges she accumulated), the tone I hear is one I’ve heard many times, the desperate tone of the user, wanting the opiate.

She paid for dinner, and her dad will reimburse me, (I believe), but I guess I struggle with finally pushing away from the dock and setting sail for another shore. It would be cheaper to pay the 30.00 and say goodbye now than to prolong it, so I cut the deal I drive over and drop off the thirty she changes her demeanor, and I’d bet there is her user friend inside, their plan fulfilled and I bet the GF thinks she has some mystic liquid that will clean her pipes in time for the UA, if she goes at all, she thinks that the ‘I’m too sick without a ride” will get her by.
The fantasy was fun while it lasted, if I get paid back cool, if not I got out cheap.

So late this afternon I get a call from a police office, she wanted to know where she was, she blew off the UA test, cut the ankle braclet and I was assigned the task to see if she was there, she was, she got irate and walked away, a dealer showed up picker her up, she walked back as the police showed up, she ws arrested and I spoke to the cop and they kind of played me but I didn't want anything serious to happen so i'm ok with it. still after all the time and money getting ready, writting letters to the judge and lawyers, all for nothing. The disease wins

Right cross to the solar plexus, one step back to catch my breath
she faces 18 months in the pokie

Shave and a Haircut 136 bits

I was driving along the road, heading home, deciding if I should do a little shopping for proper nourishment or hit the drive thru circuit, the voice on the radio was droning on about women’s basketball and how unimportant it is, without realizing that actual make it a topic makes it relevant. I notice a kid (re: about 19-21) holding a sigh waving it with the smallest of effort, looking very forlorn, very bored. It was a sign offering 6.99 haircuts, (it’s a barber college which goes by the name of Better U, I had often thought of going to a barber college but I had this irrational fear of having a bald head which actually happened once due to a faulty no. 7 guard). I circle around, drop in, why? Because, well I don’t know why, but I feel badly for the kid. I walk in, and I’m waiting at the front counter, there are about 15 people wearing these smocks, and no one is at the front, back in the office I can hear this conversation with this guy saying he is dating a porn star, and then backtracking that she really isn’t a porn star but has done porn, and he isn’t sure if that makes her a star, but yeah she done porn, and is fine. Apparently the guys in the office date strippers, (who apparently do porn on the side) they have lots of tattoos . The kind of look me over and call to the back and a man about my age comes up asks what I need and I ask for a shave and a haircut. I was seated and a very nice young man who was very polite, and he talked about opening his own place some day, there was something vaguely familiar about the part of the tattoo I could see, but he asked me how I wanted my hair (2 one the sides 8 on top spiked, square the bottom), he was hesitant about the shave but the man my age says he’ll help. He finishes the haircut and does an ok job, just needs some practice, but was very thorough. He never does the shave, but the teacher takes his time and shows him what to do (keep the skin tight), but I was a bit bothered by the lack of a usable blade with reach, the kid had a new blade, but was not prepped, the teacher finds a blade and pulls out an old leather strap, and I don’t see what he is doing, but he shaves me and does ok. I pay and pull out 6 bucks for a tip offer ½ to teacher, but he tells me to give it all to the kid to encourage him.

Back to the tattoos, the part I saw was the number 13, which is a gang reference, a discussion started as I sat down, which centered on someone going out to get a bite to eat and a few of the students couldn’t go because they had to see their PO, this started of a bunch of hoots and hollers on what a hassle it is to see a PO 3 times a week.

I guess I’ll go back, and I’m glad to see troubled youth learning a trade, cause people need to get their hair cut right?, and they looked like a bunch of youths livin in the moment, which took me back a few decades. Some people tell me if I’m not talking I have the stone face of a vato, where I get very animated talking

Thursday an 38 days to go

February 26, 2009

Ok today, but this morning, my attempt to give up my right to be offended was tempted and I probably failed. Last week I presented products, and they were defective and it was brought to my attention, I attempted to fix the problem, but an offended was more intent on complaining, that taking the correction I had in my hand, not wanting to enter into a verbal joust, I asked for the supervisor to contact me, I got a brief terse note back but her supervisors were cc’d, now I have to involve but I gave a synopsis of what happened but in about four hundreds words and my head honcho who used to be a radio guy made an off hand remark about brevity, maybe I should have twittered

Anyway
Steroid last night cheated with tortilla and butter
This morning 256
Tonight 116
I not eat late it is 11:00
I will pic, pic and post

Good night

39 to go

First day of lent, made it ok
Morning 156
Noon 123
Post work 158
Ate one sweet, no meat, played with the cat hope he will nap
11 bodies in a southwest city, storied past displayed for all to see
Lost more confusing, what is Jin’s role?
The cat scratches his nuggets away, then cleans him self
Work is hard, no help in sight, unpaid leave may happen, retirement delayed that case in ‘81 costs me to this day

give up the right to be offended

Part one a letter to my baby who’s doing time

Well babyish I’m at home, kitty an I played light a he ran in circles 3 times for up to 4 minutes at a time, and he appears all tuckered out, he is lying on the tubs looking at me eyes half open, 24 is on and it is really really silly this year. I miss you terribly it is very surreal the length of time you have been away, and you may be away till the end of summer. I have planned to take a week off for my birthday, and I am a co sponsor of a mass on the 24th which is Ccuz’s birthday. I was e-mailing with S2 and she is upset as well. I was thinking about Ccuz and I remembered how sickly he always was and while he thought he lived in Hcuz’s shadow, his presence shined brightly, it is still unbelievable tragedy and I think of you and how many chances you have left. Hiney, what are your plans when you get out? You got popped for a $5 rock, that’s pocket money, and I worry that the way economy is, things will be real bad by this summer. Already robberies are way up, and they are stupid robberies, I worry about your psyche, you still talk like you are a ghetto girl, and I’ve tried to joke about it but you need to watch it, I’m sure it is hard an since you are in country you really have no chance to practice and you have to be invisible in country an I understand why you speak like that on the phone, because you don’t write like that.

I really need some time off but there is never enough time to be off, ( I told you NI gave me 30.00 right, I guess she had the $$$ Friday but was having fun, being young, and S2 got really pissed at her, I called S2 as soon as I got home and she was relieved, she complained that “NI acts like we all here to serve her” which describes the average 22 yr old, funny to hear her talking like that, I think NI got careless with her w-2’ an expected S2 to cover her. she drove out here and her car is a cute college car, gets 35 miles to the gallon. It cost her $73.00 to drive here from Oz) I have the week of my revolution around the sun off, and I am going to try to do something (it was 73 today, but it had to be about 76 downtown, you sun just walked to the door, I think kitty gets hot he sometimes sleeps in the bathtub, but he still sleeps next to the heater, I was reading up on cats and I need to get him out more, maybe when I get home, I’ll just take him around the parking lot, I think that the cordless phone will go as far as the street, and that should cover you. I’m Sleepy it is 10:20 pm

2/24/2009

Song “peace sells but who’s buying”
Great head banging song
But I will go with back in black
Tomorrow Lent starts and I am trying to embrace the teachings rather than the traditions, but I do have some catfish soaked in generic “lea and Perkins” sauce. I met with the priest Saturday and I was a little nervous and I got there too early, so I sat in the courtyard and there was no one there, and some birds, first a robin I think and some smaller birds were there and they were flapping away in the water and I grabbed a moment of clarity that I need to get out more, and the kitty really needs to get out more. It was 76 degrees and it isn’t even March yet, (I can feel another snowstorm out there anyway). While I was waiting, marveling at the birds, I looked at the bulletin and it offered the opinion that instead of giving up sweets, I give up the right to be offended. That really hit me between the eyes, I still have regrets against people at work that go back years, wasted energy really,, this anger manifests in my downgrading my self, my enemies real an imagined bring me down by their very existence, not by acts or words, maybe career holdback, but I own a large portion of that. I think I’m too smart for my own good and, I am opinionated, I am harsh for shock value, but…

I see the priest and he is glad that I see my ego is holing me back an affecting my health which prevents me from spreading the love of Jesus, or the Love I have for Jesus from helping others, I gave a brief explanation of my grievance and he said he had been there and understands, but that when I find my self I a trough I need to remember that I am not there alone, I have the guidance of God, (probably the holy spirit0 and I need to make my way out to find my path.

Father is a great man, really lifted my spirit, so I have a mission, work the mind, then the body, I will try to keep the basic vital statistics so I may not post every day but I will try to keep an account

But tonight at 10:00
Bc 156
Wt 263

Good night

President Obama a hope for a new nation

01/20/2009

The day has arrived; President Obama and his wife are going through the ritual. Mass at the president’s church, now a coffee with Bush and Chaney at the white house, millions of people are ecstatic one end of the mall has closed (14th street entrance) it is full. The pictures of the National Mall are amazing; the news agencies are doing a good job showing the people celebrating both black and white in a virtual block party.

I sit at home, the cat even seems excited, waking me up at 6:00 (Mohammed Ali just showed up, its like 20 degrees, what are they thinking, Magic Johnson) as I was typing, the Cat woke me p at 6:00 and would not be denied, I thought I had forgotten to feed him last night, but I had not, In my enthusiasm I figured he wanted to see the pomp and pageantry, but when I turned on the TV he merely yawned and wanted a little attention. He is now looking outside from his high perch. I took the morning off, I wanted to be pensive I my thoughts, on the dawn of a new era. Pres Obama repeated a quote from Dr. King, that “if you are a street sweeper, you have a duty to be the best street sweeper ever”. I’ve heard this before, and I’ve tried to wrap my mind around it, it has never hit home, and it may be since I’ve heard it from supervisors over the years, but it is said as a warning
(they are showing the crowd and they are all chanting “Obama, Obama” and I have to say it is bring a tear to my eye, I just read Michael Moore’s blog and I am recalling Olbermann’s admonition of Bush, saying because he allowed war crimes, we re also guilty of war crimes, fair point but I hoop Keith backs down a bit. Bush and Chaney will get theirs, likely in the same manner that Reagan did not get to enjoy the fruits of the empire he built, and did not have to answer for his errors)

But as a warning it is meaningless, I need to stop getting creamed, I need to stop birching about my situation, I need to let the situation with Gf work its self out, embrace my place one step at a time, seize the cards I am dealt, take better of myself, organize my self, walk the kitty, see the family, change the attitude, take the train trip, see the left coast, reduce the load, pay down the burden

28 years ago a old man declared, it is morning in America, Today it is the Dawn of a new America, for the first time I am older than the President, this is our time, this is our place, this is our struggle, the old and the new come out the door, preceded by the war criminals, with little a hour to go, I am struck by my failures, but I am hopeful, the enthusiasm will follow, and I will do my part

Time to get down to work

Musings of a near full moon

So it is a Sunday night and I am not hung over or feeling the effects of a nuclear mind blowing liquid experiment designed by a functional literate liver failing or reasonable facsimile thereof drunken fool waiting for 24 to start after a bizarre weekend of football upsets, a disappointing full moon that was supposed to a spectacular lunar event, but was not anything more to me that the usual beautiful full moon that happens every month and is an amazing event at it 9the moon) rises over the mountains and is breathtaking every time no matter how often I see it, but you have to look upwards, looking down on the ground only gets you pennies or nickels dropped by hapless souls or in the rare event a dollar, although I once found 5 bucks which I gave to the child of a coworker as part of an amends that I need to make from a monumental day many years ago, a day which repeated itself in infamy and led me on a branch, while split many times , remains with me today although many of the cool details remain livid, albeit distant as a smile from a beauty queen during Tuesday afternoon preliminaries at the county fair queen, an event which will land the winner a job and date with the county commissioner, and the runners up go back to the farm, to dream of the day that got away as they butcher the food that makes its way to our table for consumption, digestion, excrement and flushing, a process that illuminates the need for healthy diet

forgot to title the post

It is a drag when you cannot sleep; since I have abstained I have not slept well. I figure I got about 5 hours yesterday, and I think I slept about ½ hour tonight but my jaw slipped and I grinded my teeth an woke completely up, that signaled kitty to hop on the bed and crawl between my legs, this is fine when I am already asleep, but if I am not then I can’t move and Kitty gets vocally bummed out, he used to curl next to me and wrap his paws around my hand but he doesn’t do that every time. He might be mad since I was off for 10 calendar days and I left today for 4 hour stretches, I come home for lunch. He is excite for about an hour and a half and if I stay up too late he comes and sits next to me which is usually a sigh to go to bed. 1:35 am damn I’m feeling that sense of dread that if I don’t go to sleep soon I will see the sun rise… Listening to the last of a Louie Armstrong CD, “Heebie Jeebies “ yawn 2:00 struggling to find a seam of tranquility

10:27 pm moderately tired, did nothing again, work ok, training tomorrow
December 3, 2008

Training over, I won some pixie sticks which I gave to an old co worker, won a scracher which produced nothing and got some props from division director for sending a thank you e-mail to a trainer, which was kind of cool. Training ended early so there is a bit of daylight out, I’m hoping that I can get to bed early tonight and stay asleep

but tonight BB king will be on tv and the victoria secret show is on which is silly since I can see more on the net that if it weren't frankly so filthy I'd take advantage of it despite the risk of virus attack.

so there is this show secret millionare where rich clueless people pretend they are down on their luck for a week and then find worthy people to give money to, but I doubt the reality of the show because of the cameras, even if you by the premise of a reality show, people will be nicer if they know they are being filmed.

I smell a rat, and not the one on a stick the kid was eating

full moon sans date, but with bad spelling

If you want to shoot the stars, get a good tripod

close up of a fuzzy venius

I was gonna update legal issues of gf, or going back to work after a week, but tonight on of those alignments that happens every 500 years occured



not a bad shot but I have a 10 dollar tripod and with extreme close up (10x) it looks ok at first, but when viewed on a laptop you see the blur
check out the earth glow

letter to gf in the hoosegow

a letter to gf
November 30, 2008
I’m in the Laundromat (Harold’s) and it is absolutely jammed, all the extra capacity machines are taken and I am washing my blankets, Kitty was really talking a lot this morning, I noticed you tried to call but when I picked up you were not there, I am listening to Louie Armstrong and it is surreal , there as you might expect several types of people milling around grabbing any machine as it comes up for the taking, I anticipate taking a lot of time drying stuff, glancing around there are only a few dryers available, there are some teenagers doing what looks like 10 loads of laundry and they are sniping at each other, they have to be brother and sister, 5 minutes until my laundry is done and the dryer situation does not look hopeful, but there are lots of people folding, but they are not emptying out the dryer until they are good and ready and people are hanging on to baskets like the bought them themselves, this kid is dressed like well a kid, tight everything tiny top, pierced cheek, belly, and eye brow. The washing machine is playing games much like the Gail meter, (remember that?)

Finally in the dryer and I managed to grab three in a row, but one of the isn’t very good and the one next to it works extra long, and I don’t remember which one, but one finished so another quarter in the well,

I’m trying to articulate my feelings without sounding like I am unfeeling, but I was off all last week and including the weekend I didn’t see you except for the drive you wanted to take (and pick up the meds along the way) and after the drive you claimed being anxious when in fact as soon as you got out you reestablished your old connections and blew me off and when you wanted to see me I sensed a disturbance in your tone which told me that you had some plan. I waited for you and when you disappointed I ended up drinking almost every day, not a lot but enough to up set the whole process. Wednesday night I had a feeling you would get picked up because for all your claims of knowing the street you always get in trouble, you called me thinking that cops were following you which tells me that you were up to no good. Gail why in God’s name do you think you are so special that you can do anything you want and ignore the Judge’s orders and conditions of parole? You have no time, if you lose this house and something happens to you dad you will end up in the street or living or dependant on [girl's name] or [drug dealer] for the rest of you life, which will not be very long. I am going to mail this out tomorrow and use your address as the return.

I am very disappointed in you I cannot tell you all the time, money, grief and wasted emotions. To spend all that time waiting for you only to have you go right out and start the old habits, that tells me that the dope has such a strangle hold on you that I got to back up and leave it up to you to show me you are serious about me, so if you stay a while no visits, you pay for calls, and I will write. Last load is almost dry, so I will pick up at home.

I’m tired, work tomorrow, catch up on what happened while I was gone, I checked my work e-mail and no one approved the stuff I wanted done, and there will be questions, but I can only do so much, but it will be hard to go back to work, I hope you don’t suffer the same setback on your next chance, you talk about the steps program like its ok to mess up once or twice and stay on the path to cleanness, gf if you break enough rules that you agreed to, you will go away for 1 ½ years, or more assuming you and your girlfriends don’t get involved in ventures of a increasing dangerous or felonious nature. I’m out of time, if you can’t make it, then I need to focus more energy on my getting better emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Back in jail-Louie takes me home

November 26, 2008

At what point does aggravation set in? When do you dismiss the past, or a ghostly apparition thereof?
It is thanksgiving eve, and gf is back in jail, and by gf I suppose I don’t mean GF, or beloved, she got out week ago, after promising the old judge she would be good, and spending 4 months in jail costing me money, time, and reversible phone charges. Her father is visiting better behaved family, as far as I know. I have spent a total of about three hours with her since she got out, I knew she would be tempted but I thought she had betters sense than to be walking around grabbing attention, she even called me saying cops were following her and she didn’t listen to spend time with me or to stay home, she was getting 30 dollars a day why so much? Well she called and can get out for 250.00 and beat the charge, which is not serious because she will be a CI and I told her no, hell no, and dressed her down for not lasting a week. I think she is gone, or rather has been gone. Her decision to avoid me, and in her eyes do nothing wrong, tells me she and I are no more. Truthfully it’s been 3-4 years. And I get nothing out of it except the self loathing.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving, and I have about 4 days to finally clean the apartment, I have pissed away 4 days with drink, laziness, and moral wantonness. Recharge the batteries, clean the clothes, start with the kitchen and head into the weekend with a sense of accomplishment and wonder and a beginning anew, gf will be ready to come out by then and a visit out to the jail with money in the leavings will make thing right, tho I believe I ‘m owed right near 2000.00, or maybe 500.00, how much I don’t know, but I am listening to you tube of Louie Armstrong from the Jazz series. Amazing, brilliant, and long before I was born. I’ll always have Metallica

9 chickweed land

Is it me or has this comic strip gotten filthy

All star game and memories

July 15, 2008
11:30 pm
The game is still on, bottom of the fifteenth, one man on. This has been a pretty good game. Lots of chances (OH GREAT DIVING CATCH-Ludwig) a few mistakes, great plays, pitching. I need the NL to win so me cubbies will have home advantage
BC-116 not bad, see what it is in the morning.

I really dread tomorrow
Loaded bases pop fly AL wins, my night is ruined
Goodnight


12:21

Horrible morning, stayed up too late, too much on the plate, did a little shopping at lunch, hope to finish and start to plan out meals, cat got spooked by the road work outside, cBC was 141 this morning ouch!!!

Quick lunch, remainder of sandwich, should do laundry and prepare for interview tomorrow.

5:30
BC 101
Tired, gF dad wrote note outlining support, gF didn’t get hint. I tried to explain and was interrupted; I am tired of the grief

Was thinking I know 3 people who have killed them selves since 2000. One a good friend. Another a total babe who good friend wanted to nail (not me as it would not be right for a troll to score a babe unless I was totally rich and abusive, cant disturbed the universe), and the latter a former hippie co-worker tried to set me up with who was psycho and I knew was psycho and wanted a donor to produce child, had said child, took up crack as a hobby and offfed her self leaving behind a letter on how she hated everyone (mainly her parents and 4 yr old) and left huge mess and deeply hurt feelings. Strange how memories flood in

1) good friend gets work-study in the Seychelles islands (Indian ocean), friend loses job after getting drunk and crashing assigned car into side of mountain. Friend given 24hrs to get off island, gets back and we make plans to do something, I can’t remember what, but on final leg of flight meets guy from same town that the college he goes to and asks him if he be interested in making 18,000.00 a year working part time (a lot of money almost 30 years ago), friend blows me off because this guy saw value in him, saw the imminence potential in him, promised to help guide him towards untold wealth. He implies that I may soon be unworthy of his attention once he starts on the road towards a degree and first million unless I step up, and not to expect a gift of money from him. I knew what will happen and try to warn him, but I am jealous and dismissed with a wave of the hand. Next day I get a profanity laden call, why???? He meets the guy and endures a presentation of …….. wait for it----------------Amway. I still laugh my ass off and it was a precursor to his life of missed opportunities, bad connections, misplayed trust, and broken dreams that cumulated with a bullet in the brain, and the worst smell I have encountered. After removal of his remains, I actually thought “Well there you are, all over the place’

I take gF to mental health clinic for meds, while waiting I see woman who is a head turner, trying not to get caught I only make glances as gF is going on and on about something and notices girl, they are friends from way back when she was married to dentist who provided painkillers and they bonded. There is more, that night above friend calls and tells me he meets this babe who finds him intelligent and witty at an AA meeting, friend has come into some money, I ask if this babe is aware of this, and he confirms but says this girl is not like that and I am ….. Jealous, gF, the dentist’s wife, and friend party hard for a week, I can’t remember if friend got more than once, but when cash is gone dentist wife is gone, I get profanity laden phone call on how she used him, dentist wife kills herself a few years later which gets to me I laugh not because she is dead, but because if there is a suicide heaven-she still will not give it up to friend.

Last item will be brief, she calls me at home and wants to meet, I inform her that I have gF, she says it is nothing, I say no. I learn that her husband killed himself, she presses for meeting and I can tell she is not of right mind and wants a sperm donor, though intrigued I decline. She finds someone who is already behind in C/S pmts but has kid, gets insurance settlement and lives high off the hog becoming a crack floozy; kid has problems but is young. She blows all cash, hates kid, becomes lesbian gets roof over head, loses roof stops being lesbian, gets public assistance and blows 5g’s she was hiding on last blow out and puts bullet in head. Kid acknowledge he has mom, but does not ask for her. She is ashes but because of final note and problems she has left, her remains are not claimed, kid will be adopted by 3rd cousin. As in true in mythology this girl is only child, if they were not in their 70’s they would take kid but tried to get coworker who started the whole mess to take kid, but alas she has health problems.

Sad tales one and all, I wonder how story of gF will end

Last night musings to the all star game

July 15, 2008

It is actually the 14th but I finished what I could remember what I thought I wanted to say but I had not yet processed phone call from gf who was perplexed because users were mad at her for reasons that came out were this guy is facing jail, he wants to use, he bugs everyone he knows who is holding and acts crazy in the hope the someone will blink. I don’t know if stupid has taken over, cause while she was bright, the common sense was not always there. Ok the news is on and a body was seen floating in a ravine, it gets caught in weeds and the police leave the body after taking pictures and measurements and is there several hours. If the body was left there I understand, but they know the body floated after a rainstorm. I guess you can cannot be too careful.

The cat begs for treats and I am always fascinated by watching animals eat or drink water, I am normally a dog person, but I grew up with both and a couple of the pairs slept in my room . The cat is walking around just looking; this may mean he will be up all night. I failed to do anything productive on the 14th, I almost took a nap, wish I had as I would have energy now or would have gotten my laundry done

6:46 am

One ear leaking, one ear infected, waiting for the ciprex. Oats waiting, Kitty outside enjoying the cool air. Today will be hard, today will be busy, odds are 6-5 I will be solo.

12:27

Long morning. Everyone is so shy of the blame game that the guy least able to correct is often left to deal with it. cW tried to correct a mistake without signatures that she may be in trouble; somehow I think I will catch some flak for it. The cat wants to play, I feel guilty.

College chum called, had a nice chat, she is getting screwed for helping a friend of her family and this guy has not reciprocated, she loses job he lands multi-million land deal.

I’m watching the all star game and it has been a long time since I’ve seen an entire game, of course the NL blows two leads and it is tied going to the ninth. I didn’t pig out but I did find some good Judas Priest tunes on u-tube as the free one is working, but I think new neighbor has wifi as there is someone close by that I get 4 bars, but it is password secured. I would try to guess it bit there is something inherently wrong with stealing wi-fi more than 2 bars (lead off walk Ramirez for the NL hart flies out one on one out Ludwig at the plate Rodriguez replaced on the mound by Rivera, Hmmmm Budweiser commercial proclaiming the great American lager on the day it is bought by Dutch company k and throw out inning over the NL will lose I know it as we go to the bottom of the ninth) one bars is ok because who knows where it is coming from? Dial up is too slow and doesn’t load vid-mus for excrement (one out 2-2 count cub dempster pitching, 2 up 2 down, strike 3, extra innings) but you take what you can get. Laundry has free wi-fi but isn’t always up. (error, error by 2nt baseman, walk, out at plate, out at plate, out at first, unbelievable) it is too late meds starting to work, clean up sleep rest prepare for the morrow cat seem satified ears infected leaking ewwwww

Monday Sucks

July 14, 2008

6:20 am

I stayed up late as usual, so I am groggy. I let the cat out for a few minutes (he didn’t even want his brushing) and the garbage truck spooked the cat big time, he almost broke the cord trying to go to the back of the room. The Blood count was 169 this morning, it is muggy and about 67◦ humidity is 80 % and it is cloudy, light sprinkles of rain dot sidewalk like the missed opportunities of wayward sunbeams missing the lonely sprout yearning for photosynthesis.

Bfast is about ¾ cup of beans, 2 oz of meat, some onions and about 20 oz of black cherry soda (it isn’t diet and I know I know is bad for me)

Snack at work-one apple (other cW took other apple), one nectarine, one big 3 musketeers (ouch) In the news the I-phone that just came out has problems, and a huge bank failed which will not be a problem for most depositors but about $500 million is not covered. All is well, do not panic, stay the course, remain calm. We will drill offshore, we will make more oil, the landscape will be besmirched for national security, OPEC will cut production, gasoline will go up, I will walk, and kitty will learn to hunt.

My ears are clogged, it is annoying, I cannot hear and I can feel the pooled fluids in my inner ear

Tough morning, forgot to check blood level, I was sort of dissed at work, but it isn’t my problem, I have no desire to go back, which is bad because I could potentially leak that out in my behavior, (which is why I keep my comments to a bare minimum, except for this really loud woman that we have a personality conflict, I have to go out of my way to be nice and I end up dripping with sarcasm) I hate the dirt in the parking lot as my feet clomp down on it.


Tough afternoon, many work flows brought up, peak is on neigh. cW will be out until Thursday, strange weirdness today, cannot motivate cannot go beyond plans. Called for interview, denied interview because of paperwork, called personnel, (if not for doogie, HIMYM would be extremely lame) corrective action taken, interview Thursday 11:15 am offsite, I must pay for parking. OUT DAMMED SPOT. Meat, beans, bread-jelly

I want my vitamin D!!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 13, 2008

Ok so I saw the diabetes nurse and she was not happy with the weight gain, or the morning blood count, or the lower BP. She wanted to start me on the insulin but I asked for 2 mos to get it down. My vitamin D is low and I am one big bummed out dude
10:30 count 169 weight 267, and I’m drinking again. What is a fat man to do
Back to work, wait so like news is on and there is a story about Vitamin D deficiency and all the bad things that can happen. WTF?