a letter to gf
November 30, 2008
I’m in the Laundromat (Harold’s) and it is absolutely jammed, all the extra capacity machines are taken and I am washing my blankets, Kitty was really talking a lot this morning, I noticed you tried to call but when I picked up you were not there, I am listening to Louie Armstrong and it is surreal , there as you might expect several types of people milling around grabbing any machine as it comes up for the taking, I anticipate taking a lot of time drying stuff, glancing around there are only a few dryers available, there are some teenagers doing what looks like 10 loads of laundry and they are sniping at each other, they have to be brother and sister, 5 minutes until my laundry is done and the dryer situation does not look hopeful, but there are lots of people folding, but they are not emptying out the dryer until they are good and ready and people are hanging on to baskets like the bought them themselves, this kid is dressed like well a kid, tight everything tiny top, pierced cheek, belly, and eye brow. The washing machine is playing games much like the Gail meter, (remember that?)
Finally in the dryer and I managed to grab three in a row, but one of the isn’t very good and the one next to it works extra long, and I don’t remember which one, but one finished so another quarter in the well,
I’m trying to articulate my feelings without sounding like I am unfeeling, but I was off all last week and including the weekend I didn’t see you except for the drive you wanted to take (and pick up the meds along the way) and after the drive you claimed being anxious when in fact as soon as you got out you reestablished your old connections and blew me off and when you wanted to see me I sensed a disturbance in your tone which told me that you had some plan. I waited for you and when you disappointed I ended up drinking almost every day, not a lot but enough to up set the whole process. Wednesday night I had a feeling you would get picked up because for all your claims of knowing the street you always get in trouble, you called me thinking that cops were following you which tells me that you were up to no good. Gail why in God’s name do you think you are so special that you can do anything you want and ignore the Judge’s orders and conditions of parole? You have no time, if you lose this house and something happens to you dad you will end up in the street or living or dependant on [girl's name] or [drug dealer] for the rest of you life, which will not be very long. I am going to mail this out tomorrow and use your address as the return.
I am very disappointed in you I cannot tell you all the time, money, grief and wasted emotions. To spend all that time waiting for you only to have you go right out and start the old habits, that tells me that the dope has such a strangle hold on you that I got to back up and leave it up to you to show me you are serious about me, so if you stay a while no visits, you pay for calls, and I will write. Last load is almost dry, so I will pick up at home.
I’m tired, work tomorrow, catch up on what happened while I was gone, I checked my work e-mail and no one approved the stuff I wanted done, and there will be questions, but I can only do so much, but it will be hard to go back to work, I hope you don’t suffer the same setback on your next chance, you talk about the steps program like its ok to mess up once or twice and stay on the path to cleanness, gf if you break enough rules that you agreed to, you will go away for 1 ½ years, or more assuming you and your girlfriends don’t get involved in ventures of a increasing dangerous or felonious nature. I’m out of time, if you can’t make it, then I need to focus more energy on my getting better emotionally, physically, and mentally.
