Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Musings of a Lost weekend and beyond

It is Monday afternoon and I have the motivation of an ameba, or what I assume a ameba would be motivated to do, I can’t remember all the laws of photosynthesis, or if it is even involved, but I currently feel like lying down and taking a long nap. To say I drank this weekend would be to say the Mississippi has crooked letters.
It didn’t start out that way, I had two doctor appointments, one for the monthly allergy shot, the other for the Diabetes doctor. I also needed to get the oil changed, measured for work boots and make a movie (Jackass 3-D), and get smokes at the Reservation shop, all before 5:00. I got the smokes around noon, fought the temptation to get the Hooch right away. Then I hit the traffic scene and I swear to DOG all the city seemed to want an early start to the weekend, traffic crawled, I moved slowly.
I tried to get to the Oil change Depot for lazy guys, but It would take me beyond the deadline so I got the shot, got the updates on the friend’s family (the shot nurse married an old friend of mine, and we became friends, nice gal, glad my friend has someone to keep him warm) , I RACED TO GET ACROSS TOWN, it was 12 miles in between centers, and once again Traffic crawled. The Old center for the feeble handed had too many cars in front so I would have to wait for the oil change. The meeting with the Diabetes doctor went real well, I’m comfortably under 250 for the first time in years and my A1C is 5.6 which on the official A1c chart is a happy face in green
I got to the Hazmat oil exchange program and got the oil changed, it also appeared that the entire staff spent several thousand dollars on Tattoos; I guess I’m fortunate I missed that cultural movement. I was approx 12 miles away from the theater and I drove like a mad man, but I saw I would be late. So I eased up, got there ½ hour before the next showing started. Got my large Cherry Soda and popcorn, took my Metformin, grabbed an aisle seat. Jackass 3-d is really funny, cringe worthy funny, the the 3-d effects make it seem like the stunts are floating in space. I only almost hurled once, I had visions of popcorn vomit sailing through the air onto the empty seat, and I thought it would be a better visual than Green pea soup.
Anyway it was good to get out to see a movie, I left the phone off and drove as the sun set, and headed to the store to buy the hooch at the local market, I opted for the silky smooth flavor of Black Velvet, 1.5 liter size, which is a lot of booze.
That much booze didn’t bug me too much when I weighed 280, but at 240 I notice the difference on Sunday, but I ignored the warning, and headed home-turned on my phone and it rang and rang , the DA was on the front lawn screaming screeching scheming-“thought you dead”, “the thoughtful Drug Dealer isn’t so thoughtful”, “I need money, I didn’t know where you were” I counter “I had a really fun time tonight, first time in over a year” “ Yaaaaaaaaaaa , money money money, (at this point I might point out I had a flashback to my sisters and nieces when they were about 10 and they wanted a few dollars they would scream this ear piercing noise that made the fuzz on my ball stand up, and the flattop stand straight up, little different with the nieces, but scary feeling on the spine)
I gave her 40.00 and her demeanor changed immediately, I did not stick around to findout, it was dark and I had my first whisky and coke of the night, the DA made her deal and wanted the rest of m popcorn (I only ate half, finished most of my soda, but I pissed it out after the movie which is not nearly as gross as some of the stunts, the sweat of the big guy was uber gross, how I kept it in is amazing)

Of course nothing last forever, the DA came over before the cocktail hour was over and proclaimed “I have been ripped off, can I have another 40.00”
Um…. NO
I was then unfair, unkind, uncola even, I slammed my next drink and the rest of the weekend until Sunday morning is a blur of images, I had about 5 drinks left and I finished them as I watched the political channels, and I am appalled what passes for political thinking. I felt ok, ate the last of the Chile Stew I made earlier, went to bed. Woke up feeling like utter ell, like I finally crossed the line and drank to much, sick beyond sick, I slept very badly, enjoyed the “great race” despite having a bubble of bile in my stomach waiting to rise up and my puking like it was 1977
I got by, took for another 20 on Monday and still felt bad, more about the hospital trip for the DA, the Cat and I bond, a very cross DA yells and yells

Monday, October 04, 2010

Letter to the DA

I am replaying the letter in my mind you gave me this weekend, when you woke me up to get a benzodiazepine at 2:30-3:00 in the morning and then kept bugging me because you wanted to go out to a restaurant and to “put it on the card”, I went over my “books” at lunch and here are some fun facts
9/30 25.00
10/1 25.00
10/3 20.00
Payment
Due
date Minimum
Payment Last payment
posted Credit available
OCT 19, 2010
$0.00 $200.00
(SEP 24, 2010) $89.78
(Credit Limit:$7,100.00)
Transfer a Balance $6,991.51

I appreciate the 200.00 I got Monday but 60.00 went for smokes, you took back 70.00 in 3 days, you borrowed 40.00 on the Sunday before you payed me, and I’m not hassling you, but you have Champaign tastes , and a Vienna sausage budget. I let you shame, hassle, yell at , cry, berate into giving you what you wanted, and in addition to this give you rides to buy crumbs, despite the fact I make my spirit cry out in shame, I feel dirty in giving you transportation , my spirit is so low that all I can do is get drunk ion the weekends and smoke cigarettes and avoid you by stauing drunk enough to not be able to drive, but my health has gotten worse over the last month, and you have shown no qualm in trying to get me to drive drunk to get your dope, I care very much for you but your life is out of control and you refuse to get help unless you are desprate, you put me in a position where I feel like I am a parental unit with you
1) I need a ride, it’s an emergency
2) I need money, it’s an emergency
3) I need food, I can’t cook, or there is nothing I want to eat

If I say no, then I don’t care and no one cares
I am really tapped out, eating beans and lunch meat, and while I am losing weight I am not feeling good, consistently tired, coming home is a chore, and I am smoking far too much. People at work ask me what is wrong because (and I think this is really funny) I seem Grouchy lately, more than usuall and I’m not as funny

Out paths have diverged and crossed each other over the years, and you say you need me, and I need you as well, but you are crushing my spirit, and you say I am crushing yours and since you have no one left, it is not fair to you, well it is not fair to me , I can’t talk all that pressure when your life is run by the drug, and by transference it governs my life. When you get hysterical in the mornings because some unseen intruder will shoot up the house, you scream, hit me, yell at me, saying I’ll pay you back, I swear, I’ll do the dishes, and we always end up making a trip to the crumb, and then you go to your room and use, then you can go outside a couple of times, I don’t understand why you can’t take a shower and go out in the morning and make your own coin and leave me out of it.
I get that you need food and I hope you respect your card this month and only get food you wont sell, I’m fat enough that I could live on $1.50 salads and beans for 6-7 months, maybe a $1 burger here and there, drink chemically enhanced kool-aid, but you will have to suffice on your own, you literally threw a temper tantrum because you wanted bacon and eggs and I had to get it or I didn’t love you, think about that for a second, at first you wanted to go to IHOP despite I have NO CREDIT, and it seemed to me you didn’t care, then I had to go to work to get you money because crumb was leaving, then she was drunk, and then you thought IO was dead because I didn’t act fast enough for you, and later more rides, and I release my anger and I’m the bad pony

I may be a fool but I see value in your life, but you need to take basic steps, shower, comb, brush-doctor, dentist, haircut
I don’t expect you to be a saint, but I expect you to keep your using down to what you can afford and take care of yourself, leave me out of it, I understand that sometimes you need help, but so do I, if I feel worthless and unavailable to anyone but you, I will never progress

So do your best to leave me out of your business, I will do my best to see you have food, rides to the doctor, and smokes
Please don ask for any money until the end of the month, I have so little, even If I have to give up Friday nights, I can always hang out downtown and see the sights
I do care about and love you