Letter to the DA

I am replaying the letter in my mind you gave me this weekend, when you woke me up to get a benzodiazepine at 2:30-3:00 in the morning and then kept bugging me because you wanted to go out to a restaurant and to “put it on the card”, I went over my “books” at lunch and here are some fun facts
9/30 25.00
10/1 25.00
10/3 20.00
Payment
Due
date Minimum
Payment Last payment
posted Credit available
OCT 19, 2010
$0.00 $200.00
(SEP 24, 2010) $89.78
(Credit Limit:$7,100.00)
Transfer a Balance $6,991.51

I appreciate the 200.00 I got Monday but 60.00 went for smokes, you took back 70.00 in 3 days, you borrowed 40.00 on the Sunday before you payed me, and I’m not hassling you, but you have Champaign tastes , and a Vienna sausage budget. I let you shame, hassle, yell at , cry, berate into giving you what you wanted, and in addition to this give you rides to buy crumbs, despite the fact I make my spirit cry out in shame, I feel dirty in giving you transportation , my spirit is so low that all I can do is get drunk ion the weekends and smoke cigarettes and avoid you by stauing drunk enough to not be able to drive, but my health has gotten worse over the last month, and you have shown no qualm in trying to get me to drive drunk to get your dope, I care very much for you but your life is out of control and you refuse to get help unless you are desprate, you put me in a position where I feel like I am a parental unit with you
1) I need a ride, it’s an emergency
2) I need money, it’s an emergency
3) I need food, I can’t cook, or there is nothing I want to eat

If I say no, then I don’t care and no one cares
I am really tapped out, eating beans and lunch meat, and while I am losing weight I am not feeling good, consistently tired, coming home is a chore, and I am smoking far too much. People at work ask me what is wrong because (and I think this is really funny) I seem Grouchy lately, more than usuall and I’m not as funny

Out paths have diverged and crossed each other over the years, and you say you need me, and I need you as well, but you are crushing my spirit, and you say I am crushing yours and since you have no one left, it is not fair to you, well it is not fair to me , I can’t talk all that pressure when your life is run by the drug, and by transference it governs my life. When you get hysterical in the mornings because some unseen intruder will shoot up the house, you scream, hit me, yell at me, saying I’ll pay you back, I swear, I’ll do the dishes, and we always end up making a trip to the crumb, and then you go to your room and use, then you can go outside a couple of times, I don’t understand why you can’t take a shower and go out in the morning and make your own coin and leave me out of it.
I get that you need food and I hope you respect your card this month and only get food you wont sell, I’m fat enough that I could live on $1.50 salads and beans for 6-7 months, maybe a $1 burger here and there, drink chemically enhanced kool-aid, but you will have to suffice on your own, you literally threw a temper tantrum because you wanted bacon and eggs and I had to get it or I didn’t love you, think about that for a second, at first you wanted to go to IHOP despite I have NO CREDIT, and it seemed to me you didn’t care, then I had to go to work to get you money because crumb was leaving, then she was drunk, and then you thought IO was dead because I didn’t act fast enough for you, and later more rides, and I release my anger and I’m the bad pony

I may be a fool but I see value in your life, but you need to take basic steps, shower, comb, brush-doctor, dentist, haircut
I don’t expect you to be a saint, but I expect you to keep your using down to what you can afford and take care of yourself, leave me out of it, I understand that sometimes you need help, but so do I, if I feel worthless and unavailable to anyone but you, I will never progress

So do your best to leave me out of your business, I will do my best to see you have food, rides to the doctor, and smokes
Please don ask for any money until the end of the month, I have so little, even If I have to give up Friday nights, I can always hang out downtown and see the sights
I do care about and love you