musings that should have posted last week and need an edit

the following needs an edit but i lost my train of thought
3 days till 50. I’m not as bummed as I thought I would be

First morning without Lucky, we cried and we all share memories of the pets that have lived in the house since 1965. The Malogato has his birthday tomorrow his 6th, he doesn’t seem happy there or at least he cries a lot when I leave, its very hard to leave him and it is compounded when the DA hustles me for a few dollars, I’ll get him a card, a new light, and 10 bucks for the DA to “buy” him something

Last night I had a dream I’ve never had before or any type like it. I dreamed I was with someone ( the person was not known to me now but in the dream I trusted him like a buddy) and we were walking down a hallway and I head a lot of people cheering, at the end of the hallway was a float and we climbed on and I was handed a bag of beads to throw, I was at Marti gras and there was alcohol everywhere, we were moving and I was throwng beads to thousands of people, but none of the girls were playing the game they would blow kisses plead but not show, so I threw the anway and kept drinking, I go inside the float and there seems to be hundreds of people, fade to black, sunshine and I’m on a bed in a very old house in a tiny room and I get out of bed and my friends slaps me on the back and sayd ‘Man you were really drunk last night, get cleaned up time for another parade, at this point my logic cenitcits kick in and I say to myself, its already lent marti gras is over, I then wake up, wonder why no flashers for me


Fifty, cincuenta, cinquanta, cinquante, fünfzig, vijftig, fimmtíu, (기수), Wu shi, no matter how it is said it is a lot, not so much a depressing number as it is reflective, I remember all the hope there was before me when I was a mere lad of 5, reading to the class with the ease of a sober beatnik poet, the endless possibilities I had simply for reading, I was going to skip one maybe two grades, writing was hard but I worked at it, all the stupid English grammar rules you learn to know but couldn’t name off the top of your head, I had a working knowledge, I was ready to skip the grade bullys notwithstanding, parents proud, but ………….reality hit when I tried to decipher the associative and commutative properties of math, I remember not seeing the point of the whole thing, “I can see the answer right there why am I breaking it up, tell me teach, why am I going through this trouble, what is algebra and I will get my mouth washed out if I say bra”. Even to this day every time I tried to do math I got pictures of breasts in my head, it was really distracting in college when the weather was warm and I’m trying to concentrate . I could add subtract, knew my times table and give me a piece of paper I could even divide, beyond that ………….. didn’t get it , still don’t

I really never got above a c in any math class from HS through college calculus, the function of x from zero to one sounded like a metaphysical experience expounded by Dr. Timothy Leery. What is x and what is its function, how does the slope of a curve determine interest rates? It still sounds made up, when I see mathematical equations in photos of the current math genus and the caption explains how the equations explains the material properties of time travel I admit I am befuddled? how many people would know its real, and solving it seems made up as well, F-Einstein pretentious over marketed bastard, still don’t believe his relative time travel and apparently no one can and animation explanations seems like cartoon physics. Anyway my academic career ended with bullies and math and I gave in instead of challenging it and knowing know I would have been wise to keep a journal and stick to it, always conjured stories off the top of my head, but I could not write fast enough to keep up, maybe I had ADD in HD, maybe it was the self loathing, it could even be the LSD experiments the Psychological major baby sitter got my parents to sign me up for.


I’m not ready to be 50 but I am ready to be retired, thinking back to my folks when they turned 50 I knew they were tired but not why, the why is answered, it isn’t so much the grind as it is the path you’ve chosen is probably in the direction it’s going to go, maybe a few deviation due to crisis or celebration but the horizon is close enough you can make out certain details and it probably isn’t bad, it may be even pleasant. But the missed opportunities are glaring, I am saddened that I didn’t reproduce but given the situation with the DA it is probably best as I would be a single dad fighting he trust fund for custody