Going on and on and on

Getting Old

After reading what I wrote I feel it is imperative to note that I am highly sarcastic and opinionated to the point that most people who don’t really know me think I am a total asshole and those who know me like me in spite of my quirks because they know there is rarely any meanness behind my comments or opinions and think I am a very funny guy who should be in Hollywood writing stories for TV. (I get that a lot)

I suppose one of the great tragedies of my life is that I’ve had an extended childhood. I have had self-loathing all my life and I never reached my potential because of fear. Fear as a kid robbed me of the love of learning; I let the fear of bullies as a kid keep me from skipping a grade and I basically stopped trying after that. I remember being told I was smart, even a Genius but I don’t remember being that particularly smart, I just knew how to read in kindergarten and read the paper every day

(Brief soliloquy: as a kid I was fascinated at the progression or regression of my dad’s reading habits when it came to the paper. First he read the front page and I read the sports-comics-front age after he was done, in mid high he read the sport page, which by that time had the comics on the back page. So I read the front page, as the city got bigger so did the paper and the comics float around and are usually on the inside of the last page of the classified section or the trends section, (which used to be called Woman’s world or something like that which is hard to believe). So he read the comics-sports-front page by college. Now retired he reads the front page again, and I piggyback his subscription and read the paper on line)

So I could read but I wasn’t doing calculus or particle physics or anything like that and this was during the space race so I was interested in science but I never pursued anything, and looking back the bullies weren’t packing and it was more psychological abuse than physical, (although you only have to get your ass kicked a few times as a 6 yr old to establish learned behavior) and I ran into them later in life and they acted like I was their bud which was mainly because they forgot and wanted to get some smokeables and they knew I had a family member who had connections.

But that period along with a horrible 6th grad teacher who is one of the few people I actually wished a comet would land on them and vaporize before my very own eyes to the cheers of the student body. But I was only the one who had problems with the teacher and is their failure as a teacher to help me (I must have had problems that medications now available would have vaporized my brain) that I am angry about. I was 12 and cried every day from the new set of bullies (I transferred from catholic-Public in the 6th) and the teasing about my weight, and my general resentment about my place in the universe that frustrates most pre-teens and is often the first step to drug abuse or giving up. It was her job to help me and since this was the early 70’s there was no other help. I remember she was telling a story about this 22 yrs old who week before broke into a house or robbed a gas station (when they sold gas and a few snacks only) with his brother and killed an old man. She remarked that she reached out to him because he had problems and wrote letters to his mid-high teacher stressing he needed extra help, and he got nothing. I must have been a problem child in her eyes because while I never got sent to the principal’s office, I remember having to sit next to her desk because I was vocal or something. Very few liked me and since that was my first and last year before Jr-High, I didn’t really care. Due to a change in boundaries later most of those kids went to a different Jr high and I didn’t have to deal with them until Jr year of HS (reasons why is a different story)
Anyway, back to my point. Which seem to have forgotten

I never married or fathered children and I took the first job after college and haven’t taken life seriously since I was 12. I gave up and now looking at 300 lbs, a job I absolutely hate along with everyone else in the building. (Government jobs are great in the sense that they are safe, but since there is no product to produce other than services to the taxpayer, we tend to be taken advantage of, and sense there are no stock options other than a sweet pension, wages are low for the worker bees and real hard work isn’t always rewarded. But you have to give a damn and like my life prior I don’t care, I don’t like accounting or clerical work and why I got a degree in business is beyond me other than its is easy to find a job if you can do paper work and have a reasonable knowledge of accounting, but the sweet jobs in government are for Information Technology and political favor jobs which aren’t really jobs but titles for wealthy contributors)

But except for my body acquiring a gravity field, I am essentially 16yrs old. I have a great curious streak that keeps me up late watching TV and I love movies and subversive humor (like south park)

I always wanted to be a writer but I’ve never tried anything after 12 yrs old. If it was too hard I gave up. I was a perennial C+ student in HS and College cause I only did the minimum, I have 8 yrs to retirement but will probably never progress beyond my grade unless they reclassify my job (which has happened once) because I don’t try to move and I fail at everything because if it gets hard I give up and blame my weight, my drinking, my lot in life, etc

If I keep up this blog and write thousands of words I am hoping that I can learn to focus on the message I am trying to convey and thus write my experiences and then progress to the great American novel.

At least until it gets hard. Or something is on TV

I do my best writing when I should be working, like now (at time and a half, although I will adjust the time sheet to reflect the actual OT was duty related, lying on a timesheet is one of the few ways to lose a government job, I will cover the other was at another time during lunch)

Happy Oscar weekend to everyone