Life its own self

It is a Sunday afternoon, 11:22 am, there is a grand prix race on TV where there are 4 classes of cars, but I can’t keep track and it is just on for ambient background noise for the cat, I have head phones on and I am catching up on all the podcasts on my shuffle I need to catch up on, most of them are 3-4 minutes, the cat climbed between a sheet I have covering the couch, ( the texture irritates my arms and legs) sometimes the cat for what ever reason burrows his was in-between and is attacking something, I thought it might be an insect, but I have yet to find one and after his attack he goes to sleep, so be it.

Recently an incident reminded me that there is life outside my own sphere of selfishness. There have been many stories of shootings in the news, there was even a family killed last week. Starting with the killing of 4 cops in Oakland, 3 in Pittsburg, Immigration center in NY, and 3-4 families scattered throughout the US. The reasons given were varied, some feared (or so they claimed) the loss of their guns, so their response was to kill a bunch of people. Some lost their job and instead of d=facing the struggle head on they killed their kids, which is a very common murder-suicide going ways back to the depression, another common one is the marriage disintegrates, usually over money, and the man kills the kids, kills himself and sends a message that he hopes her new love is worth it. It is not lost on me that a few days ago the 2nt remembrance if Virginia tech and tomorrow is the 10th of columbine.

I don’t understand this level of thinking; I read an article that the rate of mass murders hasn’t really changed. What has changed? We have become numb, these things don’t even really grab out attention. A school shooting may capture out notice, but it is usually the police reaction, or the anticipation for a video or note explaining why he did it. A distant war, economic collapse, frustration with out elected leaders over the last 12 or so years, all this puts us a fingertip out of reach of compassion. On a local level we all do something to help out, even if it is a donation, as a society we tend to come together to help when asked, but it aren’t always humans. The interchanges on the interstate have been rebuilt and the critters that lived in the area (prairie dogs and the like) were relocated and I checked to see what happens and I saw links to no-kill groups and they had web-pages that showed kitties and puppies of every shape and age, and they are asking for 25-100 a month. These bother me a bit, I can see putting up the cost of a single animal running about 250.00 a year, but I don’t know the scope of the no kill shelters. The pages are set up like those commercials for cute kids that have nothing and a $10.00 a month pledge will provide vaccinations, schooling, and meals. This has the opposite effect where I wonder if the same kid has several sponsors, or if it is an economy of scale scenario. I always have a bad feeling when I hear of an animal suffering, but if someone is found dead it goes over my head if I don’t recognize the name. A couple of weeks ago I was driving in the predawn darkness and saw a cat that I had seen darting across the road on many times, lying in the road, I circled back and honked the horn and he didn’t move so I continued on to work and I felt bad I returned to see if I could move him before he became part of the road and he was already gone, and I am hopeful that his owner took him.

This is a long way of getting to something that happened a couple of weeks ago. But first backtrack a year or so. According to the source, the cry of a desperate and very hungry was uttered by a black cat, a black cat already lives at the residence. My mom hates to see animals suffer and when she noticed the cat only had ½ a tail she started to feed it and it would disappear, return eat, and eventually would sleep on the front or back porch, this confused because I once came to visit saw the cat on the porch, who ran as I approached and I entered the house, saw another black cat. My mom told me that the outside cat won’t let them get near it but it cries in the morning and it broke my mom’s heart. Fast foreword over a year, the cat we thought was a he, is a she and left kitties, 3 of them, in the shed. My mom put them in a towel and the cat moved them to the garage, my mom put a towel and the cat moved them to a very tiny space next to a vent. So the cat has had a warm place all Along to sleep during the winter.

Here is the problem, there are three kitties that have to be given away and we all know what happens to kitties who go to the pound, and now the cat has to go because it would be cruel to let it continue to reproduce. But the cat is feral and no one will want it so it will be put down. Now I have no emotional attachment to the cat, but I feel a connection. The cat was doing what cats do, especially wild one, pure existence, sleep, breath, eat where ever it can, and part of it is reproduction. I could not stand by and let the human society take the cat and put it down, and I understand that there are too many cats out there, and the cat will likely not live much longer, but it gives my mom a purpose in the morning, and my dad also likes when the cat cries in the morning, but does not like the other cats coming around for a free meal.

I checked and it is possible to set a trap and get the cat fixed and it is very cheap, and the cat can be released the next day. Problems one solved, the kitties may have homes, I am hopeful, and that is a problem I will address later.

A co worker is an animal activist but does not like no kill shelters, she thinks is kinder to put animals down than to subject them to foraging for a living, or get a warm home, plenty to eat, and cast out on their own when they have to move or become inconvenient. That is cruelty, it isn’t right to do that to an animal and there are parts if the city where there are colonies of dogs and cats that are abandoned and eke out a lying aided by well meaning people who won’t let the will ones get trapped.

The essence of existence is to think, to survive, and to live; if I get the cat fixed she can not make more kitties, obviously has a place to stay warm, and brings a measure or normalcy to the household. If the cat dies in an accident, it is fate and while the cat does not have the consciousness to know what I will do, it will sleep, wake up, slep in the sun, and live.

Right cross to the solar plexus,

Perhaps you are aware of the current predicament on the relationship front; perhaps some of you have dealt with someone who has a substance abuse problem. If you have, you know it is a never ending problem. The conspicuous consumption of the drug addict is something is a wonder to behold, the value of a dollar holds no merit, but a targetable aberration. The stories spun to obtain the opiate dream challenge the sincerity of the Academy Award nominations. My beloved who has spent the better part of 3 seasons incarcerated in the county jail for what is essentially using a controlled substance and a device to deliver the controlled substance. The first go around was a 5 month stay, a Nolo contendere plea, and a suspended sentence just in time for the thanksgiving holiday.

Upon release I picked her up, promises were made and we went to my place to consume turkey and a movie that has a special place in my heart. After about 2 hours, a claim of fatigue was made, and she was transported to her home to clean and get acclimated to freedom, or so she said. Within the hour she has violated probation, reintroduced the opiates to her synapse, and was back in the saddle again. Four days later, back in jail, same charge, but a habitual offender was added. Her friends were picked up along with her so she was assigned a private attorney. Today she was released on an ankle bracelet, and was unhappy she had to report for a UA at 6:00 am. I said I would accommodate her and I saw to it she spent her money she coned her dad out of. I was restless because with drug addicts the first 24 are a big problem.

Midnight I receive a call from her that she need $30.oo to pay “bro”, which was an actual drug debt, but she claims that the desperate dealer wants the money right away, he happened to stop by and that she called her tracker and put off the UA until 9:00, which is something I don’t understand because the time frame is not relevant to her debt. If I acquiesce to her wishes she can still be there by 6:00 am. Naturally I said no, she has called 16 times begging, pleading, that her dad will pay it back or this guy from Compton will kill her after waiting the better part of 6 months for 30 bucks, and he wants it now, or 5:00 am or now so he will go away because she is a snitch, or trouble, and she swears that she has not used, and
the latest call is that I got $100.00 for my birthday ( which helped offset the 200.00 in phone charges she accumulated), the tone I hear is one I’ve heard many times, the desperate tone of the user, wanting the opiate.

She paid for dinner, and her dad will reimburse me, (I believe), but I guess I struggle with finally pushing away from the dock and setting sail for another shore. It would be cheaper to pay the 30.00 and say goodbye now than to prolong it, so I cut the deal I drive over and drop off the thirty she changes her demeanor, and I’d bet there is her user friend inside, their plan fulfilled and I bet the GF thinks she has some mystic liquid that will clean her pipes in time for the UA, if she goes at all, she thinks that the ‘I’m too sick without a ride” will get her by.
The fantasy was fun while it lasted, if I get paid back cool, if not I got out cheap.

So late this afternon I get a call from a police office, she wanted to know where she was, she blew off the UA test, cut the ankle braclet and I was assigned the task to see if she was there, she was, she got irate and walked away, a dealer showed up picker her up, she walked back as the police showed up, she ws arrested and I spoke to the cop and they kind of played me but I didn't want anything serious to happen so i'm ok with it. still after all the time and money getting ready, writting letters to the judge and lawyers, all for nothing. The disease wins

Right cross to the solar plexus, one step back to catch my breath
she faces 18 months in the pokie

Shave and a Haircut 136 bits

I was driving along the road, heading home, deciding if I should do a little shopping for proper nourishment or hit the drive thru circuit, the voice on the radio was droning on about women’s basketball and how unimportant it is, without realizing that actual make it a topic makes it relevant. I notice a kid (re: about 19-21) holding a sigh waving it with the smallest of effort, looking very forlorn, very bored. It was a sign offering 6.99 haircuts, (it’s a barber college which goes by the name of Better U, I had often thought of going to a barber college but I had this irrational fear of having a bald head which actually happened once due to a faulty no. 7 guard). I circle around, drop in, why? Because, well I don’t know why, but I feel badly for the kid. I walk in, and I’m waiting at the front counter, there are about 15 people wearing these smocks, and no one is at the front, back in the office I can hear this conversation with this guy saying he is dating a porn star, and then backtracking that she really isn’t a porn star but has done porn, and he isn’t sure if that makes her a star, but yeah she done porn, and is fine. Apparently the guys in the office date strippers, (who apparently do porn on the side) they have lots of tattoos . The kind of look me over and call to the back and a man about my age comes up asks what I need and I ask for a shave and a haircut. I was seated and a very nice young man who was very polite, and he talked about opening his own place some day, there was something vaguely familiar about the part of the tattoo I could see, but he asked me how I wanted my hair (2 one the sides 8 on top spiked, square the bottom), he was hesitant about the shave but the man my age says he’ll help. He finishes the haircut and does an ok job, just needs some practice, but was very thorough. He never does the shave, but the teacher takes his time and shows him what to do (keep the skin tight), but I was a bit bothered by the lack of a usable blade with reach, the kid had a new blade, but was not prepped, the teacher finds a blade and pulls out an old leather strap, and I don’t see what he is doing, but he shaves me and does ok. I pay and pull out 6 bucks for a tip offer ½ to teacher, but he tells me to give it all to the kid to encourage him.

Back to the tattoos, the part I saw was the number 13, which is a gang reference, a discussion started as I sat down, which centered on someone going out to get a bite to eat and a few of the students couldn’t go because they had to see their PO, this started of a bunch of hoots and hollers on what a hassle it is to see a PO 3 times a week.

I guess I’ll go back, and I’m glad to see troubled youth learning a trade, cause people need to get their hair cut right?, and they looked like a bunch of youths livin in the moment, which took me back a few decades. Some people tell me if I’m not talking I have the stone face of a vato, where I get very animated talking

Thursday an 38 days to go

February 26, 2009

Ok today, but this morning, my attempt to give up my right to be offended was tempted and I probably failed. Last week I presented products, and they were defective and it was brought to my attention, I attempted to fix the problem, but an offended was more intent on complaining, that taking the correction I had in my hand, not wanting to enter into a verbal joust, I asked for the supervisor to contact me, I got a brief terse note back but her supervisors were cc’d, now I have to involve but I gave a synopsis of what happened but in about four hundreds words and my head honcho who used to be a radio guy made an off hand remark about brevity, maybe I should have twittered

Anyway
Steroid last night cheated with tortilla and butter
This morning 256
Tonight 116
I not eat late it is 11:00
I will pic, pic and post

Good night

39 to go

First day of lent, made it ok
Morning 156
Noon 123
Post work 158
Ate one sweet, no meat, played with the cat hope he will nap
11 bodies in a southwest city, storied past displayed for all to see
Lost more confusing, what is Jin’s role?
The cat scratches his nuggets away, then cleans him self
Work is hard, no help in sight, unpaid leave may happen, retirement delayed that case in ‘81 costs me to this day

give up the right to be offended

Part one a letter to my baby who’s doing time

Well babyish I’m at home, kitty an I played light a he ran in circles 3 times for up to 4 minutes at a time, and he appears all tuckered out, he is lying on the tubs looking at me eyes half open, 24 is on and it is really really silly this year. I miss you terribly it is very surreal the length of time you have been away, and you may be away till the end of summer. I have planned to take a week off for my birthday, and I am a co sponsor of a mass on the 24th which is Ccuz’s birthday. I was e-mailing with S2 and she is upset as well. I was thinking about Ccuz and I remembered how sickly he always was and while he thought he lived in Hcuz’s shadow, his presence shined brightly, it is still unbelievable tragedy and I think of you and how many chances you have left. Hiney, what are your plans when you get out? You got popped for a $5 rock, that’s pocket money, and I worry that the way economy is, things will be real bad by this summer. Already robberies are way up, and they are stupid robberies, I worry about your psyche, you still talk like you are a ghetto girl, and I’ve tried to joke about it but you need to watch it, I’m sure it is hard an since you are in country you really have no chance to practice and you have to be invisible in country an I understand why you speak like that on the phone, because you don’t write like that.

I really need some time off but there is never enough time to be off, ( I told you NI gave me 30.00 right, I guess she had the $$$ Friday but was having fun, being young, and S2 got really pissed at her, I called S2 as soon as I got home and she was relieved, she complained that “NI acts like we all here to serve her” which describes the average 22 yr old, funny to hear her talking like that, I think NI got careless with her w-2’ an expected S2 to cover her. she drove out here and her car is a cute college car, gets 35 miles to the gallon. It cost her $73.00 to drive here from Oz) I have the week of my revolution around the sun off, and I am going to try to do something (it was 73 today, but it had to be about 76 downtown, you sun just walked to the door, I think kitty gets hot he sometimes sleeps in the bathtub, but he still sleeps next to the heater, I was reading up on cats and I need to get him out more, maybe when I get home, I’ll just take him around the parking lot, I think that the cordless phone will go as far as the street, and that should cover you. I’m Sleepy it is 10:20 pm

2/24/2009

Song “peace sells but who’s buying”
Great head banging song
But I will go with back in black
Tomorrow Lent starts and I am trying to embrace the teachings rather than the traditions, but I do have some catfish soaked in generic “lea and Perkins” sauce. I met with the priest Saturday and I was a little nervous and I got there too early, so I sat in the courtyard and there was no one there, and some birds, first a robin I think and some smaller birds were there and they were flapping away in the water and I grabbed a moment of clarity that I need to get out more, and the kitty really needs to get out more. It was 76 degrees and it isn’t even March yet, (I can feel another snowstorm out there anyway). While I was waiting, marveling at the birds, I looked at the bulletin and it offered the opinion that instead of giving up sweets, I give up the right to be offended. That really hit me between the eyes, I still have regrets against people at work that go back years, wasted energy really,, this anger manifests in my downgrading my self, my enemies real an imagined bring me down by their very existence, not by acts or words, maybe career holdback, but I own a large portion of that. I think I’m too smart for my own good and, I am opinionated, I am harsh for shock value, but…

I see the priest and he is glad that I see my ego is holing me back an affecting my health which prevents me from spreading the love of Jesus, or the Love I have for Jesus from helping others, I gave a brief explanation of my grievance and he said he had been there and understands, but that when I find my self I a trough I need to remember that I am not there alone, I have the guidance of God, (probably the holy spirit0 and I need to make my way out to find my path.

Father is a great man, really lifted my spirit, so I have a mission, work the mind, then the body, I will try to keep the basic vital statistics so I may not post every day but I will try to keep an account

But tonight at 10:00
Bc 156
Wt 263

Good night

President Obama a hope for a new nation

01/20/2009

The day has arrived; President Obama and his wife are going through the ritual. Mass at the president’s church, now a coffee with Bush and Chaney at the white house, millions of people are ecstatic one end of the mall has closed (14th street entrance) it is full. The pictures of the National Mall are amazing; the news agencies are doing a good job showing the people celebrating both black and white in a virtual block party.

I sit at home, the cat even seems excited, waking me up at 6:00 (Mohammed Ali just showed up, its like 20 degrees, what are they thinking, Magic Johnson) as I was typing, the Cat woke me p at 6:00 and would not be denied, I thought I had forgotten to feed him last night, but I had not, In my enthusiasm I figured he wanted to see the pomp and pageantry, but when I turned on the TV he merely yawned and wanted a little attention. He is now looking outside from his high perch. I took the morning off, I wanted to be pensive I my thoughts, on the dawn of a new era. Pres Obama repeated a quote from Dr. King, that “if you are a street sweeper, you have a duty to be the best street sweeper ever”. I’ve heard this before, and I’ve tried to wrap my mind around it, it has never hit home, and it may be since I’ve heard it from supervisors over the years, but it is said as a warning
(they are showing the crowd and they are all chanting “Obama, Obama” and I have to say it is bring a tear to my eye, I just read Michael Moore’s blog and I am recalling Olbermann’s admonition of Bush, saying because he allowed war crimes, we re also guilty of war crimes, fair point but I hoop Keith backs down a bit. Bush and Chaney will get theirs, likely in the same manner that Reagan did not get to enjoy the fruits of the empire he built, and did not have to answer for his errors)

But as a warning it is meaningless, I need to stop getting creamed, I need to stop birching about my situation, I need to let the situation with Gf work its self out, embrace my place one step at a time, seize the cards I am dealt, take better of myself, organize my self, walk the kitty, see the family, change the attitude, take the train trip, see the left coast, reduce the load, pay down the burden

28 years ago a old man declared, it is morning in America, Today it is the Dawn of a new America, for the first time I am older than the President, this is our time, this is our place, this is our struggle, the old and the new come out the door, preceded by the war criminals, with little a hour to go, I am struck by my failures, but I am hopeful, the enthusiasm will follow, and I will do my part

Time to get down to work

Musings of a near full moon

So it is a Sunday night and I am not hung over or feeling the effects of a nuclear mind blowing liquid experiment designed by a functional literate liver failing or reasonable facsimile thereof drunken fool waiting for 24 to start after a bizarre weekend of football upsets, a disappointing full moon that was supposed to a spectacular lunar event, but was not anything more to me that the usual beautiful full moon that happens every month and is an amazing event at it 9the moon) rises over the mountains and is breathtaking every time no matter how often I see it, but you have to look upwards, looking down on the ground only gets you pennies or nickels dropped by hapless souls or in the rare event a dollar, although I once found 5 bucks which I gave to the child of a coworker as part of an amends that I need to make from a monumental day many years ago, a day which repeated itself in infamy and led me on a branch, while split many times , remains with me today although many of the cool details remain livid, albeit distant as a smile from a beauty queen during Tuesday afternoon preliminaries at the county fair queen, an event which will land the winner a job and date with the county commissioner, and the runners up go back to the farm, to dream of the day that got away as they butcher the food that makes its way to our table for consumption, digestion, excrement and flushing, a process that illuminates the need for healthy diet

forgot to title the post

It is a drag when you cannot sleep; since I have abstained I have not slept well. I figure I got about 5 hours yesterday, and I think I slept about ½ hour tonight but my jaw slipped and I grinded my teeth an woke completely up, that signaled kitty to hop on the bed and crawl between my legs, this is fine when I am already asleep, but if I am not then I can’t move and Kitty gets vocally bummed out, he used to curl next to me and wrap his paws around my hand but he doesn’t do that every time. He might be mad since I was off for 10 calendar days and I left today for 4 hour stretches, I come home for lunch. He is excite for about an hour and a half and if I stay up too late he comes and sits next to me which is usually a sigh to go to bed. 1:35 am damn I’m feeling that sense of dread that if I don’t go to sleep soon I will see the sun rise… Listening to the last of a Louie Armstrong CD, “Heebie Jeebies “ yawn 2:00 struggling to find a seam of tranquility

10:27 pm moderately tired, did nothing again, work ok, training tomorrow
December 3, 2008

Training over, I won some pixie sticks which I gave to an old co worker, won a scracher which produced nothing and got some props from division director for sending a thank you e-mail to a trainer, which was kind of cool. Training ended early so there is a bit of daylight out, I’m hoping that I can get to bed early tonight and stay asleep

but tonight BB king will be on tv and the victoria secret show is on which is silly since I can see more on the net that if it weren't frankly so filthy I'd take advantage of it despite the risk of virus attack.

so there is this show secret millionare where rich clueless people pretend they are down on their luck for a week and then find worthy people to give money to, but I doubt the reality of the show because of the cameras, even if you by the premise of a reality show, people will be nicer if they know they are being filmed.

I smell a rat, and not the one on a stick the kid was eating

full moon sans date, but with bad spelling

If you want to shoot the stars, get a good tripod

close up of a fuzzy venius

I was gonna update legal issues of gf, or going back to work after a week, but tonight on of those alignments that happens every 500 years occured



not a bad shot but I have a 10 dollar tripod and with extreme close up (10x) it looks ok at first, but when viewed on a laptop you see the blur
check out the earth glow

letter to gf in the hoosegow

a letter to gf
November 30, 2008
I’m in the Laundromat (Harold’s) and it is absolutely jammed, all the extra capacity machines are taken and I am washing my blankets, Kitty was really talking a lot this morning, I noticed you tried to call but when I picked up you were not there, I am listening to Louie Armstrong and it is surreal , there as you might expect several types of people milling around grabbing any machine as it comes up for the taking, I anticipate taking a lot of time drying stuff, glancing around there are only a few dryers available, there are some teenagers doing what looks like 10 loads of laundry and they are sniping at each other, they have to be brother and sister, 5 minutes until my laundry is done and the dryer situation does not look hopeful, but there are lots of people folding, but they are not emptying out the dryer until they are good and ready and people are hanging on to baskets like the bought them themselves, this kid is dressed like well a kid, tight everything tiny top, pierced cheek, belly, and eye brow. The washing machine is playing games much like the Gail meter, (remember that?)

Finally in the dryer and I managed to grab three in a row, but one of the isn’t very good and the one next to it works extra long, and I don’t remember which one, but one finished so another quarter in the well,

I’m trying to articulate my feelings without sounding like I am unfeeling, but I was off all last week and including the weekend I didn’t see you except for the drive you wanted to take (and pick up the meds along the way) and after the drive you claimed being anxious when in fact as soon as you got out you reestablished your old connections and blew me off and when you wanted to see me I sensed a disturbance in your tone which told me that you had some plan. I waited for you and when you disappointed I ended up drinking almost every day, not a lot but enough to up set the whole process. Wednesday night I had a feeling you would get picked up because for all your claims of knowing the street you always get in trouble, you called me thinking that cops were following you which tells me that you were up to no good. Gail why in God’s name do you think you are so special that you can do anything you want and ignore the Judge’s orders and conditions of parole? You have no time, if you lose this house and something happens to you dad you will end up in the street or living or dependant on [girl's name] or [drug dealer] for the rest of you life, which will not be very long. I am going to mail this out tomorrow and use your address as the return.

I am very disappointed in you I cannot tell you all the time, money, grief and wasted emotions. To spend all that time waiting for you only to have you go right out and start the old habits, that tells me that the dope has such a strangle hold on you that I got to back up and leave it up to you to show me you are serious about me, so if you stay a while no visits, you pay for calls, and I will write. Last load is almost dry, so I will pick up at home.

I’m tired, work tomorrow, catch up on what happened while I was gone, I checked my work e-mail and no one approved the stuff I wanted done, and there will be questions, but I can only do so much, but it will be hard to go back to work, I hope you don’t suffer the same setback on your next chance, you talk about the steps program like its ok to mess up once or twice and stay on the path to cleanness, gf if you break enough rules that you agreed to, you will go away for 1 ½ years, or more assuming you and your girlfriends don’t get involved in ventures of a increasing dangerous or felonious nature. I’m out of time, if you can’t make it, then I need to focus more energy on my getting better emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Back in jail-Louie takes me home

November 26, 2008

At what point does aggravation set in? When do you dismiss the past, or a ghostly apparition thereof?
It is thanksgiving eve, and gf is back in jail, and by gf I suppose I don’t mean GF, or beloved, she got out week ago, after promising the old judge she would be good, and spending 4 months in jail costing me money, time, and reversible phone charges. Her father is visiting better behaved family, as far as I know. I have spent a total of about three hours with her since she got out, I knew she would be tempted but I thought she had betters sense than to be walking around grabbing attention, she even called me saying cops were following her and she didn’t listen to spend time with me or to stay home, she was getting 30 dollars a day why so much? Well she called and can get out for 250.00 and beat the charge, which is not serious because she will be a CI and I told her no, hell no, and dressed her down for not lasting a week. I think she is gone, or rather has been gone. Her decision to avoid me, and in her eyes do nothing wrong, tells me she and I are no more. Truthfully it’s been 3-4 years. And I get nothing out of it except the self loathing.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving, and I have about 4 days to finally clean the apartment, I have pissed away 4 days with drink, laziness, and moral wantonness. Recharge the batteries, clean the clothes, start with the kitchen and head into the weekend with a sense of accomplishment and wonder and a beginning anew, gf will be ready to come out by then and a visit out to the jail with money in the leavings will make thing right, tho I believe I ‘m owed right near 2000.00, or maybe 500.00, how much I don’t know, but I am listening to you tube of Louie Armstrong from the Jazz series. Amazing, brilliant, and long before I was born. I’ll always have Metallica

9 chickweed land

Is it me or has this comic strip gotten filthy

All star game and memories

July 15, 2008
11:30 pm
The game is still on, bottom of the fifteenth, one man on. This has been a pretty good game. Lots of chances (OH GREAT DIVING CATCH-Ludwig) a few mistakes, great plays, pitching. I need the NL to win so me cubbies will have home advantage
BC-116 not bad, see what it is in the morning.

I really dread tomorrow
Loaded bases pop fly AL wins, my night is ruined
Goodnight


12:21

Horrible morning, stayed up too late, too much on the plate, did a little shopping at lunch, hope to finish and start to plan out meals, cat got spooked by the road work outside, cBC was 141 this morning ouch!!!

Quick lunch, remainder of sandwich, should do laundry and prepare for interview tomorrow.

5:30
BC 101
Tired, gF dad wrote note outlining support, gF didn’t get hint. I tried to explain and was interrupted; I am tired of the grief

Was thinking I know 3 people who have killed them selves since 2000. One a good friend. Another a total babe who good friend wanted to nail (not me as it would not be right for a troll to score a babe unless I was totally rich and abusive, cant disturbed the universe), and the latter a former hippie co-worker tried to set me up with who was psycho and I knew was psycho and wanted a donor to produce child, had said child, took up crack as a hobby and offfed her self leaving behind a letter on how she hated everyone (mainly her parents and 4 yr old) and left huge mess and deeply hurt feelings. Strange how memories flood in

1) good friend gets work-study in the Seychelles islands (Indian ocean), friend loses job after getting drunk and crashing assigned car into side of mountain. Friend given 24hrs to get off island, gets back and we make plans to do something, I can’t remember what, but on final leg of flight meets guy from same town that the college he goes to and asks him if he be interested in making 18,000.00 a year working part time (a lot of money almost 30 years ago), friend blows me off because this guy saw value in him, saw the imminence potential in him, promised to help guide him towards untold wealth. He implies that I may soon be unworthy of his attention once he starts on the road towards a degree and first million unless I step up, and not to expect a gift of money from him. I knew what will happen and try to warn him, but I am jealous and dismissed with a wave of the hand. Next day I get a profanity laden call, why???? He meets the guy and endures a presentation of …….. wait for it----------------Amway. I still laugh my ass off and it was a precursor to his life of missed opportunities, bad connections, misplayed trust, and broken dreams that cumulated with a bullet in the brain, and the worst smell I have encountered. After removal of his remains, I actually thought “Well there you are, all over the place’

I take gF to mental health clinic for meds, while waiting I see woman who is a head turner, trying not to get caught I only make glances as gF is going on and on about something and notices girl, they are friends from way back when she was married to dentist who provided painkillers and they bonded. There is more, that night above friend calls and tells me he meets this babe who finds him intelligent and witty at an AA meeting, friend has come into some money, I ask if this babe is aware of this, and he confirms but says this girl is not like that and I am ….. Jealous, gF, the dentist’s wife, and friend party hard for a week, I can’t remember if friend got more than once, but when cash is gone dentist wife is gone, I get profanity laden phone call on how she used him, dentist wife kills herself a few years later which gets to me I laugh not because she is dead, but because if there is a suicide heaven-she still will not give it up to friend.

Last item will be brief, she calls me at home and wants to meet, I inform her that I have gF, she says it is nothing, I say no. I learn that her husband killed himself, she presses for meeting and I can tell she is not of right mind and wants a sperm donor, though intrigued I decline. She finds someone who is already behind in C/S pmts but has kid, gets insurance settlement and lives high off the hog becoming a crack floozy; kid has problems but is young. She blows all cash, hates kid, becomes lesbian gets roof over head, loses roof stops being lesbian, gets public assistance and blows 5g’s she was hiding on last blow out and puts bullet in head. Kid acknowledge he has mom, but does not ask for her. She is ashes but because of final note and problems she has left, her remains are not claimed, kid will be adopted by 3rd cousin. As in true in mythology this girl is only child, if they were not in their 70’s they would take kid but tried to get coworker who started the whole mess to take kid, but alas she has health problems.

Sad tales one and all, I wonder how story of gF will end

Last night musings to the all star game

July 15, 2008

It is actually the 14th but I finished what I could remember what I thought I wanted to say but I had not yet processed phone call from gf who was perplexed because users were mad at her for reasons that came out were this guy is facing jail, he wants to use, he bugs everyone he knows who is holding and acts crazy in the hope the someone will blink. I don’t know if stupid has taken over, cause while she was bright, the common sense was not always there. Ok the news is on and a body was seen floating in a ravine, it gets caught in weeds and the police leave the body after taking pictures and measurements and is there several hours. If the body was left there I understand, but they know the body floated after a rainstorm. I guess you can cannot be too careful.

The cat begs for treats and I am always fascinated by watching animals eat or drink water, I am normally a dog person, but I grew up with both and a couple of the pairs slept in my room . The cat is walking around just looking; this may mean he will be up all night. I failed to do anything productive on the 14th, I almost took a nap, wish I had as I would have energy now or would have gotten my laundry done

6:46 am

One ear leaking, one ear infected, waiting for the ciprex. Oats waiting, Kitty outside enjoying the cool air. Today will be hard, today will be busy, odds are 6-5 I will be solo.

12:27

Long morning. Everyone is so shy of the blame game that the guy least able to correct is often left to deal with it. cW tried to correct a mistake without signatures that she may be in trouble; somehow I think I will catch some flak for it. The cat wants to play, I feel guilty.

College chum called, had a nice chat, she is getting screwed for helping a friend of her family and this guy has not reciprocated, she loses job he lands multi-million land deal.

I’m watching the all star game and it has been a long time since I’ve seen an entire game, of course the NL blows two leads and it is tied going to the ninth. I didn’t pig out but I did find some good Judas Priest tunes on u-tube as the free one is working, but I think new neighbor has wifi as there is someone close by that I get 4 bars, but it is password secured. I would try to guess it bit there is something inherently wrong with stealing wi-fi more than 2 bars (lead off walk Ramirez for the NL hart flies out one on one out Ludwig at the plate Rodriguez replaced on the mound by Rivera, Hmmmm Budweiser commercial proclaiming the great American lager on the day it is bought by Dutch company k and throw out inning over the NL will lose I know it as we go to the bottom of the ninth) one bars is ok because who knows where it is coming from? Dial up is too slow and doesn’t load vid-mus for excrement (one out 2-2 count cub dempster pitching, 2 up 2 down, strike 3, extra innings) but you take what you can get. Laundry has free wi-fi but isn’t always up. (error, error by 2nt baseman, walk, out at plate, out at plate, out at first, unbelievable) it is too late meds starting to work, clean up sleep rest prepare for the morrow cat seem satified ears infected leaking ewwwww

Monday Sucks

July 14, 2008

6:20 am

I stayed up late as usual, so I am groggy. I let the cat out for a few minutes (he didn’t even want his brushing) and the garbage truck spooked the cat big time, he almost broke the cord trying to go to the back of the room. The Blood count was 169 this morning, it is muggy and about 67◦ humidity is 80 % and it is cloudy, light sprinkles of rain dot sidewalk like the missed opportunities of wayward sunbeams missing the lonely sprout yearning for photosynthesis.

Bfast is about ¾ cup of beans, 2 oz of meat, some onions and about 20 oz of black cherry soda (it isn’t diet and I know I know is bad for me)

Snack at work-one apple (other cW took other apple), one nectarine, one big 3 musketeers (ouch) In the news the I-phone that just came out has problems, and a huge bank failed which will not be a problem for most depositors but about $500 million is not covered. All is well, do not panic, stay the course, remain calm. We will drill offshore, we will make more oil, the landscape will be besmirched for national security, OPEC will cut production, gasoline will go up, I will walk, and kitty will learn to hunt.

My ears are clogged, it is annoying, I cannot hear and I can feel the pooled fluids in my inner ear

Tough morning, forgot to check blood level, I was sort of dissed at work, but it isn’t my problem, I have no desire to go back, which is bad because I could potentially leak that out in my behavior, (which is why I keep my comments to a bare minimum, except for this really loud woman that we have a personality conflict, I have to go out of my way to be nice and I end up dripping with sarcasm) I hate the dirt in the parking lot as my feet clomp down on it.


Tough afternoon, many work flows brought up, peak is on neigh. cW will be out until Thursday, strange weirdness today, cannot motivate cannot go beyond plans. Called for interview, denied interview because of paperwork, called personnel, (if not for doogie, HIMYM would be extremely lame) corrective action taken, interview Thursday 11:15 am offsite, I must pay for parking. OUT DAMMED SPOT. Meat, beans, bread-jelly

I want my vitamin D!!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 13, 2008

Ok so I saw the diabetes nurse and she was not happy with the weight gain, or the morning blood count, or the lower BP. She wanted to start me on the insulin but I asked for 2 mos to get it down. My vitamin D is low and I am one big bummed out dude
10:30 count 169 weight 267, and I’m drinking again. What is a fat man to do
Back to work, wait so like news is on and there is a story about Vitamin D deficiency and all the bad things that can happen. WTF?

laundry day

May 24, 2008

Ok, so I’m sitting in a laundry severely disappointed because I was planning to use the wifi which is free at this Laundromat, except that is isn’t working at all, a Black and white TV in the corner blares out a commercial for the latest Indiana Jones movie-which I’m hoping to catch at its last Saturday showing assuming I can stay awake, I’ve been sick lately and missed work last Friday because I felt like every cell in my body had diarrhea, I had a headache of such epic proportions the cat purposefully meowed in the mournful meow that cats like to do to show their extreme displeasure, my ears have been leaking a toxic fluid whose noxious fumes are melting the paint on the ceiling directly above me, the neighbor who I suspected was one of those aliens from the movie series moved out after he accidentally encountered some of the fluid (it is a very long story that involves a q-tip, a rubber band, and the paranoid delusions of righteous man), I was planning on my biweekly laundry chore last weekend but because I was sick and had to work late every day last week, I was unable to do so and I came up directly against my absolute limit on boxers and undershirts, I had 3 days of socks available to me in the event the soaking rain that I missed because of my location in the void of stimulation building prevented me from enjoying the visual stimulation of the rainfall, there has been a drought, and much dust-it is a strange thing to walk outside for lunch to see the wet pavement, cloudy skies and the rain fresh smell, at one point yesterday the moisture in the air was so overwhelming that the smell even reached the closed environment and I ventured outside for a drenching walk, a baptism of liquid joy so to speak. My laundry is almost dry, I must end this session.

monday annoyance

April 28, 2008
12:06 am

Can’t sleep, cat is annoyed, spiritually I am fatigued, made it to church and thought that the priest was going to faint, but he explained that the enormity of what he does hit him and he had an emotional moment, it could be his friend in Haiti describing the food riots and the high price of food. The leader there has resigned. The cat is walking around aimlessly and I started my back up of the hard drive and I realize it would take me months to document the picture files. Ozzfest may not make the cut this year, I felt that last year was not worth the price and there is a metal fest with Judas Priest, heaven and hell and MOTORHEAD. I am now creating a back up of hard drive, something I need to do now that I have like 5000 pictures and 10 gb of video, 12:24 pm.

The presence of Cousin Andy is fading away, while I have video stocked away but I am still mire din boxes that I know must go. He was not much on e-mail, never utilizing it and I have two messages saved that I was fortunate to be on line while he called. His presence is missed but his essence is very much alive. I admire him greatly for his talent, and for going to Texas to make a go of it, some in the family believe he never intended to go back home, or he pulled a leaving LV. I wish I made it out there and the planned road trip, though a dream, wasn’t possible as he his the extent of his illness (12:34 am)

The cat is pacing, looking outside to see anything but there is no nocturnal activity in the area. I am fading fast, turned on the air, but not the pump for I know not if there is any h2o and it is cool outside. I have a very busy day but work it tedious, I received anonymous word that I stand no chance for promotion, not because of abilities, they think me to be a genius, not because of experience, but because of the words I use and my tendency to question anything I believe to be wrong or questionable. There is a lack openness I find appalling but the norm. It is 12:42 and I am losing touch with lucidity. Time for sleep

6:40 am
Ran the air last night, it is cold, I am tired, ran back up and did something wrong, but may need to purchase additional backup, must get ready for work. Apt clean up is at critical mass

9:30 pm

Finally responded to insco with poor spelling, backed up videos of cat, niece and cousin death remembrance

Tired and sinus pain
I mock sati pots; I didn’t know what they were

My neighbor is screaming in German, I think

A beloved cousin died last month and his memorial was last week
I've been putting off doing anything for the last 6 weeks, and the Feline is getting bored to the poing of getting in my face and crying, my neighbor goes to the stairwell overlooking the parking lot and is screaming in German making gestures that frankly scare me a bit, insurance companies byte

accomplish a little, finish few

Sunday February 17, 2008

I’m in the midst of a major cleaning project. Last night I did 3-4 loads of laundry, how much ‘m not really sure of because I used the largest loads, and just crammed the tub, or machines full as I could get them and I also washed a blanket, type cheap comforter. The pre race show is on and I have just finished the pre rinse of the dishes and I am soaking the flatware and glasses, they are caked with some kind of oily substance the rubs off and I think is from air drying but I am a boarder slob. I walked 1 hr 10 min. I don’t know how far it is but it is about .8 miles but is in a bowl so it starts down hill and then naturally goes up hill, on the was is a strip of land that used to be a nowhere man’s land and after they put up the sound barriers created a urban park, it looks like a path in the forest, has a few trees and natural grass and looks like great fun for canines, there have been roadrunners and bunnies seen, but no Wiley to date, but rumors persist.

The original plan was for the beloved to take care of her business, and she would come over to watch the race, and I would make dinner and buy some soda she can drink (I only have sugarless), well she called and didn’t want me to call at the appointed hour (the cat stares at the door, I let him go out about 20 feet before I scare him back) because she would have “business” and she didn’t want them to be there when I called, when she called about 1:30 she wanted me to take her to get something to eat and I drop off the soda, candy, etc because any time together is good time together, then she just asked me to drop off something for her to eat and not drop it off in the drive way because she finds it demeaning, I hung up and went in search of a pasta pan, I went to the thrift stores and stopped at my mom and dad’s My mom is having surgery in the 18th or so, (shoulder replacement) and she handed me some $$$ like I’m 18 because I haven’t borrowed any money from them and my sisters and nieces have and not repaid any of it. I tried the place where America shops and couldn’t find something akin to a tamale steamer, but found a basic stock pot for $8. I wait in line behind 3-4 people and when I am next the cashier tells us to line up behind a blue line, (they have the worst set up as well as the worst customer service) so I move there and the woman who was in front of me moves in front of me ans tells me that she was next “No way” I say “I’m next” she stared at me and her eyes narrowed and “NO I was next “ so I retort ‘There is no way you were in front of me”, she looks at me and before she gets pissed I start laughing, for some reason I know that were I the late great LJ, it would have been a scoring opportunity.

So the light of my life calls up and starts on me that its not the SA but even 30 seconds is golden to her, and I tell her I feel used and don’t appreciate it and she hung up on me so I called right back and pretended like I was still talking when the voice messaging came on, (I know I confused her). I made spaghetti and used too much water as it took forever to boil and I forget to put the lid on, I chopped ½ an onion and now I have leftovers for tomorrow, beans and pastrami or spaghetti but I need to add more sauce so that may be dinner.

The shining light called again and felt guilty and wanted to know if it was too late to have me pick her up and spend $$$ on her for which I politely declined. Saw the end of the Great American race, but this is the first time in a long time I didn’t see the majority of a race. No real big accidents but enough to much up the favorites. I found a 8g flash drive at a good price which means it will be ½ the price in a few months, but I need a way to be uploading the millions of pictures to the cosco site, and to carry music around

Heard via e-mail from an old acquaintance, one of those “Hi its me”, no response, I wonder if something happened. Lazy Sunday almost over

happy 21st to the namesake

February 6, 2008

Happy birthday to my niece and namesake, who turned 21 today and who just called from a bar in San Diego. Seems like yesterday I was babysitting and changing her diaper, getting away with giving her 5 bucks. Wish I cold be tossing a few with her, but she is with her mom fulfilling a prophecy her mom made 21 years ago. I’m glad it worked out.


Got my ashes at 6-30 this morning following a phone call from Gf at 4; 30 making sure I stop by before mass to drop off her supplies, following my staying up late to watch election results.

Got my allergy shot today around lunch and I went home and took a ½ hr nap

US 2-Mexico 1 sounds like a raucous crowd

Week two 2008 in script (not really)

So like I got on the scale cause (excuse me the cat wants attention, I put a feather n his nose and he is going crazy) I noticed my pants are tight and I have gained back 7 lbs over the holidays, not a lot and I know it is due to the sugar I have consumed during the course of the holidays. The hard fought dedication to avoiding sugar and the dreariness of the weather combined with my internalizing of the anger rising plus the many purchasing of little bottles of booze must have has a lot to do with the weight piling on, but can one really blame the booze, sugar without the indictment of fast food, (or fast fat as the weird or semi weird guy with the blank sandwich board on the corner yells into a bottomless super gulp cup substituting for a megaphone, although on reflection, if it actually amplifies the voice or resonates it, not is become an megaphone? Flammable though it may be, or not be) Fast food seems cheap but when you add it up it is really quite expensive. I get too internally depressed from pointless tasks at work to do much except take care of the cat and watch TV washing the only dishes I need at the moment, due to the availability of an oven for the first time in 7 years I have been feasting on frozen pizzas adding my own toppings in a misbegeiled attempt to make it seem like an accomplishment or endeavor, or the fantasy that” I am the pizza man” crafting exotic but tasty pies of pizza nature that would enthrall the taste buds of the most discriminate pallet or indiscriminate mouth of hungry worshipers, alas no it is crust barely above cardboard, sauce fortified by sugar, dehydrated meats and extras cut from the cows that survived the initial slaughter house, only to stagger into the abyss known as “off market meats”, a term so divisive in nature, so utterly descriptive, the mere mention that such products placed be in pet food would start off protests, riots, congressional hearings, boycotts and a war of words on the internets suggesting vegetarian meal for carnivores, the inhumane treatment of meats designed for human use, but no discussion of such products designed for frozen meals, because no admits to eating frozen pizzas, they will admit to Ramen noodles because of the romantic notion of meals available after the rent is paid or the end of the month awaiting the next payday or care package from home like a 7 yr old Christmas eve, anxious to see if he got the bike he wanted, because the bike represents freedom, a chance to ride like the wind and journey beyond the view of the domicile, a step toward independence while retaining the notion of a save haven or roof, the lack thereof is a major source of fear in these united states, a reality in most of the world.
500 words

First Week 2008

Ok
I haven’t lost any gained weight since the 1st month after I started testing my blood. Can’t stay from the sugar, but I have avoided the hooch for a week and the same with the smokes. I still have remained hateful in my attitude, but am trying to remain light. The big push is a coming and I am still fat. I have not slept well in a few days, but it is work related. The cat has finally jumped to the hightst level possible. Now he can land on a couch but it is harder to get there. His pervious spot was easier to get to but I think the landing was harder. He still likes his pampering early in the morning and that is when I brush him. I also brush him when I get home. He moves to whatever room I’m at and watches me before dozing off in one of his favorite places. It is late and I am tired.

dreary sunday

So I’m working on the PC without the power cord and I discover that the battery is only good for like 45 minutes. I’ve tried to find a way to get the creative juices going, and the cat doesn’t want to play pull or wrassle and I am too tired to play light. Watching the cat prowl around but not finish the fight is disturbing until I realize that now the cat wants to wrassle and I am bleeding, I’m not bleeding badly, but there is some pain involved, not a lot mind you, but I am marked, not marked permanently mind you but enough to go over 100 words. The Simpson’s made no f’ing sense and King of the Hill is dumber than normal, and I can change the channel because the cat is lying on the remote

New Year, SOS

Normally I don’t make resolutions, but try to focus on improvements I can make. This year goals need to be made

1. Test blood every day
2. No smoking, take rest of Medication
3. No sugar
4. Early to bed
5. Organize paperwork at home and work
6. Be positive, don’t make others uncomfortable
7. Vacumn at least every other day to get cat hair
8. Wash all dishes, not the ones I need
9. Keep contact with loved ones
10. Focus on the task at hand


And walk every day at least 15 minutes

Philosophize later

Tis a Friday and I have no one to talk to

It’s a Friday afternoon and it is cold outside and I am torn between buying a nip or two and smokes. I should no smoke, as it is bad for me. I am paying 60.00 a month so I lose the cravings. The end of the year is up there is something about starting anew. I smoke until the end of the year, and I have an end point. I quit now and I have an end point. My latest idea for science is to get a military haircut and se how long it takes to grow 4 inches. Juvenile you say? As I reach he zenith of my professional life I find that I have neither the ability nor the inclination to progress my self further, attempts at motivation, whether is be by the self or newly promoted almost invite contempt at my discretion, valor has no place among the cowardly, but is the essence of shelter until retirement achieved outweighs a life let lost, but spirits imbibed.

Motivation must be more than a few words, mocked outwardly but admired inwards. Where is the rope to attach, the hook to grapple, the ladder to climb? I could say It lies within, a lie indeed. The sun sets at dusk, the lips meet bottle soon after. I see the loss of the will, the cards of well meaning providing.

End of the year

He end of the year is approaching and tomorrow is the last scheduled day I have to work until the 2nt I may have to put in some time this weekend to get ready for the onslaught of expectations before the audit due date of the 15th. A coworker left for greener pastures today and before he left he was called in for what I thought was an exit interview but one of the big cheeses asking for an explanation on the most basic of reconciliations. Such is life at ***. I’m watching ID4 and watching the cat out of the corner of my eye preparing FOR ATTACK, ( which he just did) I remember ing watching ID4 when it came out at an old big theater, which no longer exists, it was very exciting at the time. The movie looks a little hokie but it is still fun to watch and I can forget the plot holes. But time for the news because I left work the fire alarm went off, (I didn’t hear it, but I got a phone call to see if it made the news, .it hasn’t so back to work)

The climatic scene is happening and the comic relief inside the alien mother ship. I’ve just realized that this has extra scenes, which bum me out because they should title the movie as having deleted scenes. The dialog is really bad at the end, but its an old movie. 11-12 years ago. Exercise over.

Elements of frustration

I admit I am not an easy person to deal with; this is more prevalent the longer I’ve known you and the nature of the dispute. Today I took Gf for her x-mas haircut, and today was the last day to do it before the end of the year. I have been trying for two weeks to get her to do it, but she wasn’t ready, (she was metaphorically high). Today she was mentally prepared and was in between activities. She got her haircut and despite my warning not to ask for shampoo, she did. She asked in a manner in front of the stylist that made me look like an ass for saying no. She then said” put it on the credit card” and to give a big tip.

She was girlishly happy, I should have let it go, but she has a LONG history of upping the ante, if you promise to take her shopping for a case of coke, she tried for two cases and waits until we’re in the store to do it. Her PU calls it hustling, and most of it can be explained to her SA. She has no progressed mentally from 17, and it is infuriating.

I agree to the shampoo, and then she said she needed the conditioner. I told her it would be cheaper to go to wallgreens. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to make a scene. I paid for it and we left. I expressed my displeasure and she went into her usual stanza of ‘”don’t ruin a nice thing” In the span of a 5 minute car ride, I reminded her of how ugly she feels, I rin any good feelings she has, how cheap I am (which she corrects when she remembers how much I do for her) and I’ve ruined Christmas. I think she will take the items back and continue her SA tonight. It will be my fault. I don’t think it helped when I told her to “fuck off’, but I’m tired of it. I’m tired of planning to spend time with her and once she gets what she wants, she is too tired to see me.

God bless us everyone.

hats off the Big Bill H

So like I had the geek squad configure my computer and they told me that they did the best they could and no refunds. I have dial up because I reall don't do anything except read newspapers and various sites. I had no Wifi. I had Offers to fix for 200.00 and 2 days. old friend asks for a shot and fixes it in 10 minutes

neat

Christmas is a coming and the family wants cash

November 25th


The long weekend is over; the expected snow fall was but a tracing. The cold weather meant the use the heater for the first time. The cat with an ordinary name (tcwaon) lies on the new bed stretching, and finding any excuse to climb on the laptop, make a plea for attention, and block the screen. Tcwacon is a beautiful kitty who has had a pretty easy life for a house cat, but had bad company prior to moving in with me.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I have been 250 for a month and I have taken to the drink and fresh smoked Alaskan tobacco. My BS has been in the 120’s when I do do it. The three time I checked this weekend it was about 180. Now it is at 159. I’m listening to my random music files and it appears that Cwacon likes jazz but not the Beach Boys.

The sleepy time is about here and Gf is at her games, so I must return service
The game must be played, and played correct if it is to be played. It is 10:20 and there is no zero hour.

November 16th was a day to forget in 2000, it was the last for JFF or LJ as he was known. He had his last night of sadness, when he saw that he could not go on, he put his beloved 9mm against his temple and joined the universe.

12:45 to Kitty Land

I may acquire a cat, I currently have joint custody of a cat in the sense that I pay for the food and medical and when GF lets me see her I play with the kitty. GF is still using, and despite she has gone through several houses and apts she can’t keep people from coming over and spoiling her gig. Despite getting an allowance to allow her to use without stealing, she still shoplifts crap and does (well you know trades) stuff with it. Having been banned from several supermarkets, restaurants, and small shops, she has apparently gotten caught at the only place close to her. Despite being warned (she has two current cases under review) she can’t help herself.

I often wonder if it were possible to create walled zones for addicts and let them use, share, and if they are careless OD on their own. Crime in the streets would drop, shoplifting would go away, and loved ones would be under some protection and we could sleep nights without wondering what news the next call would be?

GF almost has that now but may need a couple of months stretch to dry out and learn yet another lesion, and I will face expensive phone bills. I’ve found almost 100 letters from her previous stays (They closed my apt building to renovate but the unwanted were prevented from going to other places, I like this place a lot but it is smaller)

Soundtrack is pulling teeth and whiplash

Funky looks awful

I was feeling pretty bad about myself and this summer gone by until I saw what Tom B. did to Funky Winkerbean. He looks worse than Bull.

On vacations, drug busts and no nuts

May 29, 2007

I didn’t realize it had been so long. A lot has happened.
My PU’s have left for Spain for an extended stay. N2 graduated from high school and it was special, I was very proud and it was fun to see all the kids who stuck it out and went to an alternative HS instead of dropping out. Any student who wants to speak can do so and the speeches were very moving as I could tell they felt a real sense of accomplishment. Anyway I told N2 that a diploma is worth a C-note, a GED is worth 40.00. It was well worth it but now she feels that there is no choice for the future. I remember the feeling.

Gf whose life was spinning out of control, messed up big time had her house raided as a drug house and was arrested. The police found only trace amounts so she will likely do very little time, but the possibility still exists she could do time as she has numerous nuisance charges. I’m hopeful she will get treatment.

But when the police raided the house they knocked out the door and her dad has to perform several repairs before the house is deemed suitable, In addition Gf and friends spray painted one of the rooms with comments the would only seem funny if you were using. It also made it look like a crack house. I got Kitty and had him neutered and he is staying with me now wearing a collar, I took a couple of days off to clean up paperwork, but since Kitty was not used to the house he kept me up and gets into everything, and I used this excuse to essentially do nothing although I only got creamed one night. The landlord loves cats and gets along with me and said I could keep the cat here until the 11th unless there is a problem. SO this isn’t the end, hopefully Kitty will be ok by himself and he will not make too much noise at night if I go to bed early and get up early. I pray there will be no complaints.

A few days after my PU’s left S1 was visited by someone who offered to put in a security system for a special price that was good only for a few days, a con right? Well S1 tells them that the owners of the house will be gone for a month. At least she called to tell me, so I call S2 to have her move the cars (since she has the keys) and apparently she took one of PU’s cars and didn’t leave another car, S1 calls S2 demanding the car come back or else. I get two phone calls each one screaming at me that the other one is a @#&^%. I pray nothing happens or there is a wreck because my parents will flip as they are not happy with any of us.

I have gained a bit of weight and my BS has been between 120-185, that is bad, I dread going to work because I really don’t like being there and don’t like what I’m doing. I have a fear that I will get the job I bid on because I have no faith in my abilities.

I will try to be positive, work thing out as they happen. I tend to make a big deal out of stuff and spin scenarios that are so implausible they belong on an episode of “LOST”.

IF you read this wish me luck with the kitty
He has his collar on and has been sleeping except for an hour when he needed some attention and I scratched and petted him, cats really are a form of calming mediation.

HBD to the old man and interview with a curse

May 9, 2007

Today is the old man’s birthday he was born in 35 so it makes him 72 , which used to sound old but it doesn’t sound so old now that I am 46.

Gf is seeing the PO which is strange because as far as I know she hasn’t coped to anything although despite once having a good intellect will sign anything to make it go away, which once cost her a year and almost everything she owned or valued. I am waiting to see what happens. On Friday she took a vow of sobriety, on Saturday she said she still had 3 days. I worked on Saturday and Sunday and we had plans to meet Sunday afternoon. She looked like she had been using all night long and apparently she had been. I reminded her of the letter I sent Friday that she said made her realize she needed to be in treatment and she wanted to detox, which takes three days. I went home and she called and said I was right and that first thing Monday she would go do it. Well she didn’t and said all the things addicts say, which isn’t really important because if you have been through dealing with an addict you love then you know what the story is.

So she conned her dad out of $$$ to get it out of her system, but yesterday thought that maybe it be best if she fesses up to the PO or whomever she has to talk to and go from there which is what I told her to do. She may get out of it since she has a 70% chance of skating on everything.

Lunch for now is over.
Tonight is Lost
Got call from dad saying he like my birthday message to him ( I sang HBTY)
He said he feels old and When I told him he has 20 years he told me he didn’t want to live that long.

When is a interview not an interview

May 2, 2007

Damn 6 days since last post, much has happened some good some not so good
I put my meal to nuke and I think it will caramelize and open a hole to another universe.

Interview

After I made arrangements for an early interview Monday so I could go from the allergy shot, straight to the interview, I got a call that had me move the interview from Monday to Tuesday. I dusted off the Interview/Funeral suit, downloaded everything I could find out about the agency and studied a bit. I made a trial run to find the place, and it is easy to find. It is in a residential neighborhood behind a car dealership but has the illusion of being secluded. It looks like is has no place being there.

The Interview started out ok, the woman kept smiling but the man seemed aggressive and after I described what my experiences were, he kind of told me what the job entailed as though I had gotten the job and he was letting me know in no uncertain terms what was expected. We talked about the accounting system and I told him that I had worked with several and with a little training (I would get one month) I could manage it. Apparently since it is so small I would handle all financial aspects except for H/R. The woman seemed friendly and I think I handled her questions, but the gentleman seemed perturbed and I gathered from his explanation on how important it is to be there, and that some people abused their sick leave to the point, when they needed it they were SOL and took LWOP. I offered to show my leave balances twice but he said it was none of his business. Curious enough though, I don’t think I had a chance from the beginning, and they may have someone in mind. But I could be wrong; I’m replaying the whole thing in my head. Luckily on of my references worked there and I brought up her name in the sense that I got a heads up on what they do.

Lunch over, I need to post a card for my grandma who is over 90




May 8, 2007

Lost train of thought and haven’t written, had a plan but lost the Idea
Back to the interview, after thinking about it, they didn’t ask a lot of questions or have me sign the standard release of information. Talked to contact and she confirmed that he is a bit hostel, he is a rancher and thinks that smoking is a sign of weakness. If I am asked for a second interview I will feel him out some more, but it is unlikely because I am sure he has some one in mind.

Was asked a noncense question about a group we used to belong to by a buddy, it was fun and it wasn’t organized but when something weird happened e would say “Well we must consult the ***** about it.

The questioned concerned what the ***** would say about my predicament


From: Musings of a fat man
Sent: Monday, May 07, 2007 1:46 PM
To: old friend
Subject: RE: an';krtg'kn atrp
I have consulted the Great One
and I must take the four steps of realization

1) Organization-eliminate any useless paper, everything including toilet paper, I must also purchase a large sponge for the bathroom
2) Conversation-Look within one self and tape or write a 2 hour interview with my self, the questions must be written, four copies mailed to the four corners of the world and mailed back, the envelopes given to a Philatelist.
and the contents destroyed, the original is read on tape and I must respond to the questions. The video tape is then to be sent to Eric Cartman of South Park, CO for analysis
3)Conservation- I must conserve energy but drinking heavily for one week and sleeping the rest of the time while listening top the entire Pink Floyd Catalog over and over
4) realization- I must realize that nothing can stop me but my self. I must take a scientific approach to weight loss, healthy environment and healthy thinking, change my lifestyle, meet women who have make radical changes, and find those that believe they are now the elite, marry them and then dump all the negativity I have fostered as a chale on to them and become a happier person with someone else money


Upon further recollection I guess you had to be there.

Night

The Fat man and homeland security

April 26, 2007

Didn’t realize it had been this long, much has happened, my PU got into it with S2 over N2, and S2 basically told PU1 to [blank] off, and S2 called me and vented youthful frustrations that happened along time ago, as I don’t share S2 views exactly I didn’t argue, but expressed my concerns over long term effects

Anyway
Got creamed 4/20 and 4/21 was nonexistent, didn’t recover enough to eat until 11:00pm, BS was 96, Gf announced plans to come over but Gf never did, Gf was pretty out of it and still wants to avoid trial but wants to go directly to CS, but Gf may be stuck with the court ordered evaluation program. This means of course Gf may be subject to testing. Gf wants to come over to restore some normalcy but as I explained in my last letter to her I don’t feel a connection anymore all Gf wants is laundry, cokes, a deep deep nap, and then with the excuse that kitty will be scared and she has to go, so when Gf didn’t make it, I felt more relief than anxiety.

Finally got license renewed, I got a hold of the Secretary of state office that deals with this and I faxed copy of passport, SSI card, and current license on Friday, and a statement that I had never driven in the state, I tried the local offices and was told ‘Tough Beans” there is nothing I could do and some a-hole at the MVD suggested I contact the officer that issued the ticket, Unf***ing believable.

End lunch

I called the SOS and they got the fax and they even called me when they sent the fax, I got my license but the hold wasn’t removed. I keep the fax in the pouch with the registration. Homeland security at work.

I have an interview with violent crime reparations; D used to work there and said it is a good place to work. My lack of confidence tells me the job is beyond me; my lack of interest at work will get me into trouble. I had a few pops last night and sleep was not provided. I am tired, and LOST reaffirms that I should had tried to be a writer in college.




We thought we could do it
We thought we were immortal
I knew the signal
But chose to ignore it
I hoped for success
But did nothing to achieve it
The failure was mine,
but your to share
(sidebar: I just saw a show about a penis fish, god am I patheric)

Deadlines in abstenia

April 19, 2007

Man when it rains it pours
Bsugar last night 103
This morning 120
I have no Idea what that means

Ok lets vamos a boogie
Had lunch with S2 and gave money to obtain tickets from S2 acquaintance, nice lunch we caught up a bit and discussed S2 plan to go away and start over N1 will be going along as well. N2 will be staying behind and we discussed how life will change for N2.

I get call that N1 is looking for a cosigner on auto loan and I remember that age, and what happens when you essentially work for the car, and very often you fail and cosigner has to bail out young person. You see it all the time on Judge Judy. S2 got in fight with N2 and threw her out despite age status. N2 is almost legal and was forced to move in with her SO despite age difference and the way SO treats her. PU’s can’t take her in because they can’t deal with teenagers and N2 is very sullen, depressed and gets high al the time. N2 has no job and I’m afraid will turn out mean. I can’t help and S2 is enjoying new life far too much and I fear N2 will get used when S2 leaves. S2 has always been depressed and when I was in between apartments I stayed with them so I could find a decent place, and we bonded big time, N1 and I have been close in a different way and always will, but I’ve always felt bad for N2.

Gf has a chance to enter program to avoid trial and wants to not go to program because they test and she couldn’t pass a 24 hr test at present, if found guilty she will get CS. Tough choice, get clean and live or pick up trash until the next time. Last nights SP was about asking for change and while it was is usual irreverent self if there was a point, it went over my head. Have to check the net. This is what my Gf was doing when she got the ticket.

At least I am still one fat SOB

Nighttime

Its time to renew my license before the grace period, so I took some time of from work and I tried the state MVD but it doesn’t take plastic unless a kiosk is used, Tried to do it but my license came back as expired. I went to a clerk and she said I have to go to the window, but they don’t take plastic at the window. I went to an “Express’ where you pay 18 bucks for the privilege, and the clerk there tells me that someone in a state far away has a ticket with the same name and birth date and they put a hold on it. I have to call a number to get a fax but I’m wondering if the ID is being used by someone else, the ssi number isn’t the same, but WTF, I’m wondering how long is this gonna take. How do I get a waiver, how much time do I have to take off work?

Call from Gf, of course there is a knock at the door, and I can hear the person yelling about some emergency, oh the drama


The Promise made was not what it seems
When illuminated by the sunbeams

Time to post

cops and the blood level

April 17, 2007

Lunch 11:00am
Gf had court this morning and the cop showed up, and Gf forgot her paperwork. The judge ordered her a PD and sent her to a different court because of her mental state (I’m sure she put on quite a show without meaning to). The judge she was sent to is the same one that sent her to jail because she refused a lawyer and insisted on pleading guilty and pissed off the judge, she got 6 months. She told me later that she told the judge she wanted to get it over with. Well he did.

32 dead, one suicide 15 injured no word on the extent of the injuries. The shooter is a student. There has been a lot said, written, and blogged and a lot of hand wringing, prayers, calls for gun control, calls for more armed people. It never ends, it happens every time there is a shooting. What I find unbelievable is that some people believe that “an armed society is a polite society” while I can understand the point made, if everyone was armed there would be more shootings as people lose their temper and instead of screaming they be shooting. It all doesn’t make any sense, it never does. Texas recently reduced the limits on concealed handguns, NM did as well but NM has pretty liberal rules. It has been said that an individual could walk down the street with a shotgun over his shoulder and while the police would probably stop him and check him out there is nothing they could do about it. At least people will stop talking about Imus for a while, but they will also forget Iraq where soldiers got the good news that they get another 3 months in country.

My blood sugar has been up lately, I need more friendly snacks as I have a low fat bologna sandwich about 9:00 and my blood sugar in the morning was 154. It was 103 the day before (6:00 am) and other than I didn’t eat because I got creamed. Nothing was different

Little Foghat live, I remember when they were kings of the summer concert tour, and a pack of smokes was 40 cents

Lunch today was brought to you by two coke zero, green apple and 290 calorie Lean Gourmet-Glazed Chicken, Bfast composed of sugar free energy beverage and two Bfast burritos from McDonalds accompanied by Gf who had a mcgriddle.
Lunch over

Eve of insanity

April 13, 2007
I missed a day because I was really busy and I forgot to put the laptop in the car, I think I ate strawberries and read a magazine for lunch but I can never be sure because my memory is suspect unless I have something to trigger it.

Looks like I am going to see the concert after all, only going to cost me and my niece 112.00. Blood test was 140wednesday as I recall and 120 yesterday.

I ate cowboy stew a quart of strawberries, banana, and an Angus burger from BK
It is probably a lot but I got really frustrated with Gf on her inability to get the simplest things done and her DU and Dfriends which is killing her and any last real chance to become human, if it wasn’t for the cat I’d stay away but she hasn’t gotten the at its chip nor fixed yet (for free) and if gets any kind of jail time (since she won’t take the trouble to get a PD) what will happen to the cat not to mention the people who will break into her house and use there.
Break over

April 16, 2007
Lunch, much has happened
Imus is gone (for now)
Gf is messing with her freedom, and the Kat will suffer, she wants teeth pulled and it is for pain meds, one last big blow out before she sleeps through her court date.
I sent her a letter which I will post her at the end, in which I laid out exactly what I think. I accented it by getting absolutely creamed Friday night, and it took all day Saturday to recover. Stupid I wasn’t sick but I felt as though I did damage to my body, this is as you know much worse than a hangover. Anyway I don’t know what I will do If she gets any jail time, she don’t answer the phone and I know her friends will break in while she is gone and destroy what little she has. She has had over a month to take care of a ticket and she doesn’t get it.

This morning over 30 were killed at Virginia Tech, from early reports the shootings started early and continued hours later. One account had the gunman lining up people against a wall and executing them.

One thing that really bugs me is that there is no headline news radio feed so I don’t have to listen to talk shows and listen to their propaganda, “NRA all the WAY” or “Take ALL the GUNS”

I’m listening to a few Sex Pistols I found on my hard drive

I’m getting psyched for the heaven and hell tour plus Megadeth. It will be truly awesome, which is something I can’t say for Ozzy. To get first crack at the codes to get free tickets you gotta buy his new cd, which is fine I suppose since I would anyway, but the CD don’t ship out for another month and tickets not available until June.


I thought it was possible, you said it was true
Blue eyed innocence draining from you
We never had a chance
To pursue the romance
In the end it not was to be
For you and me
All that remains from the romantic hype
Is the crap left in your glass pipe




Lunch over


Hope to post later this evening

no morning glory and clapping for the I-Man

April 11, 2007
Wednesday
Morning break
One of the things I don’t like about my self is that I have very little patience; I hate waiting for the computer to power up and load what ever it is loading up. It only takes a few minutes but some idea may be inside my head and by the time I am ready to strike I get frustrated and I’m sure my BP goes up

Work is really strange as we all are trying to adjust to the new procedures brought on the change to a central accounting system and shortage of staff and the super is standing firm on accounting sections only doing accounting and all other details left to the section that used to hand them on to us.
The break is already over, because of various reasons I have lunch today at 11:30-12:30
Lunch
Yum yum, lunch today is kiwi and strawberries, I bought them this morning and they taste a little frozen, I need to do this myself and learn to prepare bfast and lunch for the next day instead of rushing in the morning. I currently smoke cigarettes and watch mindless TV, like Lost where tonight the story of why a fertility doctor is important, is the island making women sterile? How do the others know everyone’s story? What up with Hurley what is his story? And don’t give me the Cheech millionaire story.

Semi frozen kiwi aren’t half bad, I’m listening to a bad copy of a Megadeth performance at Woodstock, it taken from someone near the stage or from the TV and it is obvious the board wasn’t done right. So I switch to “Obscured by clouds” by PF which is an album I actually had a very long time ago when I bought it as an album, before CD’s, digital music, and enforceable marijuana laws.
The rest of the populace is about to take their lunch, and I am interested to see how many are taking advantage of the rebuild of the cafeteria, it looks like a coffee shop/diner except everything is out of vending machines People are even getting rid of the magazines and books they don’t want and people are taking breaks down here. I still think it is a weeding out process to formally ban anyone from taking their lunch at their desk and eat there or serf the net but what can you say, the council for the blind who by statue have control of all cafeterias contracts and food vending. (Ah a little Meddle like one of these days)
To much Kiwi is not a good thing, this cannot have been meant for one person, but for like a luncheon or a family. The strawberries are huge and not very sweet, maybe I’m used to the “enhancement” of flavored strawberries. (Now a little Sam).

Riding on the endless stream of youth, I overlooked with amusement the old man at the end of the road, when I reached the end the old timer looked familiar, I paused and asked who he was and where I was. It wasn’t so funny when I told him he was on the wrong road, and he was my mailman.

I miss Sam; I wonder what he might have made of the current war, would Bush have ever been elected? Too funny for words.

Well Imus is gone, at least from MSNBC for now. I feel bad for him but I think he can recover. He always said his show was about reveling in the misery of others, and all those he mocked have been waiting for a chance to get him. They are piling on, which is America’s favorite sport

Blood sugar in a hour

The rise of Bauer and the fall of a cowboy

Bauer kicks ass

Another day another morning in the glory, morning break and I’m glad the vending machines make lots of noise because there is a meeting going on and it sounds important, far too important to have it in the break room, but meeting room space is at a premium.

Last night 24 really floored me, from fake terrorists, adrenalin junkie presidents, shootouts galore, classic one liners (let’s have fun, and say hello to your brother [which is taken from Die Hard]), hangings and evil Chinese agents holding blond girlfriends. It had everything.
Lunch
Finally figured to add the music transferred from my old computer to the laptop to media player, it makes for easier usage of the laptop.
More infighting from the floors below, My section used to handle all the paperwork concerning money, now that we don’t control the accounting system and have lost all key entry support (and we are 9 months behind) the new super is squawking over the duties that don’t involve cash and the sections are squawking over why they have to take over.

Got a call from DJ, he used to work here and made a big mistake that hurt his career, so he left and now he is high demand and he is offered positions and two agencies are in a bit of a bidding war, I advised him (Found my “Foghat”, … cool) to stay put a while because if another agency wants you so bad they are willing to throw money at you, you should assume things are really bad.

Megadeth is coming soon to support Black Sabbath with Dio, I want to go real bad but while I will cover niece 2 ticket I can’t afford to cover s2 and son, but I may have to dish it out. Bummer but WTF.

I have to use a counter because I was not quick enough to grab the one booth that has an outlet and the battery died, so the only other one is on a stool and my ass hurts because I am too heavy.

The spoken one hesitated a few moments before opening his eyes, he took in the warmth of the sun, almost basking in it like a baptismal. Clinching his fists tight he raised his arms in victory. The crowd stared and pointed, it was a victory they didn’t want to see.

Lunch over

Home again
Looks like Imus may be done, his only hope is that something else will happen, hopefully something positive will come out of the meeting with the BB team.
Blood sugar is 113 before meal

Work, blood test, Imus, and 24

Monday April 9, 2007

Its break time and I need to start spending time away from my desk, it is cold and rainy outside which is a perfect opportunity to avoid a short walk outside
My blood sugar was 158 this morning which is high (I guess) and I had a wonderful breakfast of 12 strawberries and an orange and sugar free flavored water. I am having a banana and a cherry zero right now It is hard to write on break cause it takes so long for the laptop to start up and there is a general cracking down on rules, which were never really followed before, like I never took my breaks before but would surf the news sites for headlines to read during lunch, cause I only have dial-up at home and cannot get the Wi-Fi to work. Break over
Lunch

Got a little advice from a diabetic which is helpful because I’m not totally freaked out but I am a little worried about how I let myself go physically, mentally and spiritually. I got completely creamed Friday because G was supposed to get a PD and she left a note on her door saying that there was an emergency and she was sorry. I made a bad decision to distance myself from her spiritually and got really (well you know). I didn’t eat Saturday because I was still recovering and I did manage to go out shopping and get my supplies but didn’t follow up on my laundry which I did not do until Sunday.

Sunday was Easter and I went to my parents as usual, my sisters were there with their boyfriends but niece one was working (she is a waitperson) and niece two spent the weekend at her boyfriend who lives in a small town 30 miles away and she couldn’t get a ride, but I suspect she partied the night before. But I did get the news she will graduate, which despite the collective intelligence of the family is a rarity as GED is a phrase well known.
The previous Friday or three days ago I stopped by my parents to show them my new blood test machine and to talk with my dad on how it works. It just so happened my dad was not in a good mood and after we chatted sister two called and my dad went on a rage that all he wants for Easter (I think he meant his B-day which is next month) is for the family to all go to church together. This is strange because sister one is a evangelical Christian, and sister two disavows all organized religion. Nieces are neither catholic nor religious (in face niece two is angry about something I cannot specify) and I consider myself catholic but don’t practice.
Much of the rage concerned his shame that people he knows all sit together with their children and grandchildren. My only comment was that at least we all don’t meet at the Jail for holidays to visit someone who broke the law. He didn’t comment but I should not have said that and let it go.
It is amazing that I have let my desire of nothingness to interfere with the people; who are close to me. I avoid human contact and people get tired of asking for a visit when I make lame excuses and they know that I am probably drinking or wallowing in self misery.

Pop culture item: Imus apologized this morning for insensitive remarks he made Wednesday, I think he is sincere, and very sorry but he is so out of touch with mainstream America that he didn’t realize that the derogatory comments he made were really hurtful to the Rutgers BB team. He forgot that a few years earlier he sent a kid home from his ranch for referring to a woman using the same term he used. The media is calling for him to be fired (he picks on everyone and they have been waiting for a mistake) and he is going on Al Sharpton to take the heat face on. He has much to lose, and I hope he learns and moves on.
Noon, time to check the news upstairs


Work is done
Watching 24, looks like the story finally returned to its roots
Imus is suspended, my E-mail was read over the air, I think he will learn the lesson of being humble, I hope he makes it through and they are not just using him for the radiothon.

24 just got really cool
bye

I always thought I was pretty sweet

Haven’t written in a while, nothing really wrong just lazy
Friday I got the results of my blood sugar

Fasting glucose---------100 (above 99 indicated pre-diabetes)
Total Cholesterol -------159 not bad I weigh 272 5’3, I feel bab for those people who work out all the time and still register over 250 (sort of)
Triglycerides 261--------Pretty high
HDL------------------33 I get to exercise, oh what fun
LDL----------------74 optimal id 70-100
A1C-----------------7.1 should be below 6

So I get to test my sugar levels once a day

More later

The bombing is over

The 6 bombings since last post may have worked, no bed bugs sighted in 3 weeks.
My ears leak, I dropped 20 lbs but smoke a carton a week, my jobs bites so much and aside from leaving 2007 will be a very long year. The hired Gov. lawyer reacted to a simple question like I was vermin. This reaffirmed my feelings about her stupid comments during a sexual Harassiment awareness class 10 years ago. I really hate it when government employees with a tital act like it is IBM corporate structure. I actually believe she was offended when I interupted her oatmeal and I was not important enough to ask her anything. I'd make a wish that her hair would fall out, but it looks like it happened